Unfortunately, you can't play Tekken 5 online—say it isn't so!—but the easy-on-the-eyes Nina Williams can still kick our fat, pale asses any old day of the week. We love you Nina!

This game features the best hecklers of all time. When Boston's hirsute Johnny Damon steps to the plate, someone in the crowd shouts, "Cut your hair, you hippie!" Amen to that, brother!

It's also a tiny bit dry for our tastes. We prefer laying rubber, doing donuts, and crashing into exploding oil tankers to finesse driving and engine tinkering, but that's just us.

Using the various bio-augmentations is a hoot (one makes you invulnerable, another slows down time, etc.) Unfortunately, the developers were damn stingy with the save points, which means you'll be replaying some levels more times than you'd like.

We're fond of the new Hitter's Eye feature, which means that the ball changes color as it leaves the pitcher's hand, letting the batter know what kind of pitch is on the way to the plate. Red means breaking ball; white means fastball; green means changeup; and brown means that Randy Johnson has been into the Skoal tin again.

Using the various bio-augmentations is a hoot (one makes you invulnerable, another slows down time, etc.) Unfortunately, the developers were damn stingy with the save points, which means you'll be replaying some levels more times than you'd like.

We're fond of the new Hitter's Eye feature, which means that the ball changes color as it leaves the pitcher's hand, letting the batter know what kind of pitch is on the way to the plate. Red means breaking ball; white means fastball; green means changeup; and brown means that Randy Johnson has been into the Skoal tin again.

We're fond of the new Hitter's Eye feature, which means that the ball changes color as it leaves the pitcher's hand, letting the batter know what kind of pitch is on the way to the plate. Red means breaking ball; white means fastball; green means changeup; and brown means that Randy Johnson has been into the Skoal tin again.

Keep an ice bag handy, because you'll press the square and triangle buttons billions of times before this one goes back on the shelf. The final boss: Carpal Tunnel!

Spell casting is a nice twist but overall this is your usual movie tie-in.

Spell casting is a nice twist but overall this is your usual movie tie-in.

Peppering enemy ships with lasers and smart bombs while navigating trench runs is white-knuckle fun.

The stealth levels are the only other chink in the game's chain mail. Just when you finish turning arenas into butcher shops, who's in the mood for a little Metal Gear-style stealth? Answer: not us.

Playing this hyperactive hoops sim is like fast-forwarding your way through a Spike Lee–directed Nike commercial while beer-bonging a liter of Jolt cola.

Playing this hyperactive hoops sim is like fast-forwarding your way through a Spike Lee–directed Nike commercial while beer-bonging a liter of Jolt cola.

Playing this hyperactive hoops sim is like fast-forwarding your way through a Spike Lee–directed Nike commercial while beer-bonging a liter of Jolt cola.

The computer AI, just like your girlfriend, will sniff out your weaknesses and exploit the living crap out of them.

The computer AI, just like your girlfriend, will sniff out your weaknesses and exploit the living crap out of them.

The game's sole bright spot, sadly enough, is managing the magazine. When tracking market trends to increase readership is more thrilling than talking a cotton-tailed hottie into straddling you in the Grotto, you know something is very wrong.

The game's sole bright spot, sadly enough, is managing the magazine. When tracking market trends to increase readership is more thrilling than talking a cotton-tailed hottie into straddling you in the Grotto, you know something is very wrong.

Wounded? Hit the Y button, and like a wet dog coming out of a lake, Stranger gets rid of his damage by shaking it off.

The game's sole bright spot, sadly enough, is managing the magazine. When tracking market trends to increase readership is more thrilling than talking a cotton-tailed hottie into straddling you in the Grotto, you know something is very wrong.

Switch on those subtitles (the cockney accents make English sound like a bloody foreign language) or else you'll potentially miss out on some of the finest dialogue in a video game. Our favorite line: "She's had more pricks than a second-hand dartboard." Oi!

What the hell are you still reading this for? Put your raggedy-ass jacket on and go out and buy the damn game already.

Running missions for the factions is compelling enough, but the real fun comes from hunting down the Deck of 52—the 52 baddest guys in the game. The first handful totally roll over with their Christmas hams in the air, but the latter guys will leave you begging for sweet, sweet mercy.

Running missions for the factions is compelling enough, but the real fun comes from hunting down the Deck of 52-the 52 baddest guys in the game. The first handful totally roll over with their Christmas hams in the air, but the latter guys will leave you begging for sweet, sweet mercy.

New powers, faster combat and new environments - such as Korriban, ancient Sith Lord burial ground - make this trip to KOTOR-ville more than just an Old Republic retread. [Jan 2005, p.54]

If you own the original, not buying the extra levels would make you a sinner. Now, stop treating your body like a carnival ride.

The Mario faithful will no doubt rejoice, since it's easily the best of the launch titles. But if you're not a Mario lover, you may want to hold out a few more weeks for something better.

We're especially fond of the Homecourt Advantage meter, which fills up during games; the closer the score, the louder the fans get and the harder your controller shakes, making it tougher for the visiting team to hit jumpers and free throws.

For a handheld version, it ain't bad, but don't expect the same slick game you've been playing on the Xbox.

The fancy-pants replay is a nice enough function…except for the fact that all the other cars on the course mysteriously vanish into thin air during playback. Um, didn't anyone notice this?

We're especially fond of the Homecourt Advantage meter, which fills up during games; the closer the score, the louder the fans get and the harder your controller shakes, making it tougher for the visiting team to hit jumpers and free throws.

While some of the mini-games are curiously compelling—one had us actually blowing into the NDS microphone to snuff out a series of marching candles that were about to set a group of people on fire—there's no reason to ever play it again once the LSD wears off.

The action is solid—we actually enjoyed the old-school game play—but the sprawling level design cramped our fun. If you miss one of the hostages (and you will), plan on spending about 10 minutes backtracking. Ah, good times.

This sequel boasts larger battle arenas, including a surprisingly convincing New York City.

By far the biggest innovation is the massive, explorable cityscape, complete with secret garages and locals hankering for a drag race. The only truly unforgivable flaw is the cornball dialogue.

Slam it in reverse unless you're entertained by rolling quarters across a sunlit floor.

Slam it in reverse unless you're entertained by rolling quarters across a sunlit floor.

Slam it in reverse unless you're entertained by rolling quarters across a sunlit floor.

Gallery mode (aka Pants Around Ankles mode) lets sexually repressed gamers get ridiculously close to some virtual flesh.

We grew bored of the sheer repetitiveness of the game play, and not even Spyro's smart-ass remarks could keep us amused. Just talk to the hand, Spyro. Snap!

And the online play and Franchise mode are limited compared with the competition. But for a relaunch of an old, broken-down series, it's a screaming slap shot in the right direction.

But where the sequel will really fondle your boys is in the multiplayer modes. New level designs let you funnel the action into wide-open areas or allow you to stalk the terrain's nooks and crannies looking for the perfect sniping spot.

We grew bored of the sheer repetitiveness of the game play, and not even Spyro's smart-ass remarks could keep us amused. Just talk to the hand, Spyro. Snap!

We grew bored of the sheer repetitiveness of the game play, and not even Spyro's smart-ass remarks could keep us amused. Just talk to the hand, Spyro. Snap!

Rent. You can play through the game in an afternoon and still get to your weekly "Magic: The Gathering" tournament on time.

Basically a hybrid FPS, Killer App combines straight-up shooting with some of the classic Tron universe vehicles like the light cycles.

Like the Swiss Army Knife, Up Your Arsenal does it all and even includes a decent online battle mode, as well as a corkscrew and a tiny pair of scissors.

Even though it offers the best online play Sony has to offer, it still comes up a few frags shy of toppling Master Chief, mostly because our poor PS2 seemed to be struggling to run the game.

This sequel boasts larger battle arenas, including a surprisingly convincing New York City.

The developers have managed to squeeze some extra mileage out of the tired "extreme sports" format with a solid racing engine and a trick/combo that will have you linking more tricks together than a prostitute at Charlie Sheen's Playa's Ball.

After two ass-kicking PS2 installments, the Guilty Gear fighting series has finally KO’d itself.

This half-assed movie tie-in is so crummy even the dimmest kid on the short bus won't be taken in.

And while the computer AI plays like an in-bred Appalachian boy, the wrestling mechanics are on-point.

The comprehensive, well-designed 20-minute tutorial is about 19 minutes too long for us.

This half-assed movie tie-in is so crummy even the dimmest kid on the short bus won't be taken in.

In fact, the game is almost as dull as listening to NPR (almost), but since it's so mercifully short, the credits will be rolling before you realize just how little fun you're having.

The game's graphics do a swell job of mimicking the trademark Pixar look and the levels are all based on the more memorable action sequences from the film. The game play, however, tastes like leftovers: clobber a bunch of bad guys, flip switch, repeat.

The game's graphics do a swell job of mimicking the trademark Pixar look and the levels are all based on the more memorable action sequences from the film. The game play, however, tastes like leftovers: clobber a bunch of bad guys, flip switch, repeat.

The soundtrack, featuring James Brown and Strawberry Alarm Clock, keeps you going long after the Agent Orange has taken away your ability to feel.

The irreverent, goofball sense of humor from the show is intact, which makes up for the sometimes iffy controls.

The irreverent, goofball sense of humor from the show is intact, which makes up for the sometimes iffy controls.

Buy. But be warned that if you're not already a Star Wars Galaxies player, it will be a long time before you're able to afford a decent ship.

Bonus points: "My Sharona," the greatest freakin' song of all time, is one of 30 tracks in the game. Oh, my little pretty one!

Somewhere there is an audience for the kind of soul-crushing ennui that Capsule Monster Coliseum drapes around you like a ravenous anaconda…made of ennui.

The biggest difference is the ability to manage your wingmen. Coincidentally, the game uses the same wingman commands we use when it's Ladies' Night at our favorite rum bar: attack, cover and disperse.

This sturdy racing game features solid racing mechanics and a decent sense of speed, but it's a little unapologetically corny at times.

The plot doesn't make a lick of sense, but once you start knocking demons around the way Barry Bonds hits fastballs, trust us, you won't mind one bit.

Don't bother dissecting the plot, as the incredibly short game ends abruptly, giving the impression that the creators quit halfway through. Sort of like us with therapy.

Sure, it's still basically a more sophisticated version of "Duck Hunt," but nothing helps us unwind quite like putting bullets through the heads of parachuting ninjas.

The soundtrack, featuring James Brown and Strawberry Alarm Clock, keeps you going long after the Agent Orange has taken away your ability to feel.

The long load times and pesky bugs, which vexed Tribes 2, are there to once again wreck havoc on our fun, so you need to download the necessary patches.

Raccoon City, the site of one or two zombie infestations in the past, is a playable level in the game.

Worth buying, especially for the cartoon raunchiness. But don't let on that this is the only way you meet women.

Worth buying, especially for the cartoon raunchiness. But don't let on that this is the only way you meet women.

Humming the words or making any sound at all into the microphone will get you through these so-called challenges. And that's just plain wack.

The game alternates between first- and third-person views, but it is all action, allowing you to fight riding the Cyclone in motorcycle form or wearing it as mecha battle armor. Either way, it's a way more bitchin' ride than your little Vespa.

The game combines stealth elements with brute force. Hell, Trigger Man even has a Knife Cam that lets you steer your blade through the air after throwing it.

Worth buying, especially for the cartoon raunchiness. But don't let on that this is the only way you meet women.

The game combines stealth elements with brute force. Hell, Trigger Man even has a Knife Cam that lets you steer your blade through the air after throwing it.

The game alternates between first- and third-person views, but it is all action, allowing you to fight riding the Cyclone in motorcycle form or wearing it as mecha battle armor. Either way, it's a way more bitchin' ride than your little Vespa.

The game combines stealth elements with brute force. Hell, Trigger Man even has a Knife Cam that lets you steer your blade through the air after throwing it.

We love it for the über-violent finishing moves and optional online action and hate it for the "instant death traps" we get stuck in on nearly every level. If only we were less clumsy!

We love it for the über-violent finishing moves and optional online action and hate it for the "instant death traps" we get stuck in on nearly every level. If only we were less clumsy!

If watering plants and making sure the food court is swept is your idea of a grand old time, then this might be the game for you.

Except for the cuts that play during the menu screens, the game features absolutely no music. Now that's hardcore, baby!

If you think you might be an RPG fan, this is definitely one to grab.

Though the graphics are sharp, the world is tiny and the pain-in-the-ass controls make killing monsters a chore.

Even with superstrong "Hyper" mode and customizable weapons, it took everything we had to not fall asleep on our controller.

The best game set in the X-Men universe yet.

There is never a break in the action, and even with the obvious emphasis on ESP, the bullets never stop flying.

With no online capabilities or even tag-team possibilities, you're better off spending the 40 bucks on a Jenga game and a case of Schlitz.

The best game set in the X-Men universe yet.

There is never a break in the action, and even with the obvious emphasis on ESP, the bullets never stop flying.

The best game set in the X-Men universe yet.

Even with superstrong "Hyper" mode and customizable weapons, it took everything we had to not fall asleep on our controller.

There is never a break in the action, and even with the obvious emphasis on ESP, the bullets never stop flying.