I realise first person shooters are getting shorter these days, but, come on. Did Saber Interactive really imagine that releasing a movie tie-in that you can sleepwalk through inside an hour was going to be acceptable?

The controls are awful, the camera is beyond appalling, the graphics are hideous, the environments are bare, the gameplay is unbearably repetitive and the whole thing is an utter chore to play.

Settlers II is a great game. A classic. This version isn't. It's a travesty, and one that should never have been released. Without the fatal bugs it'd be a disappointing put passable conversion but you can't play a game not knowing when or if the game will actually work the way it's supposed to, or if saving your progress will cause it to crash.

The Eternity Clock is shambolic and underfed, even by the Timelord's previous low gaming standards.

The controls are awful, the camera is beyond appalling, the graphics are hideous, the environments are bare, the gameplay is unbearably repetitive and the whole thing is an utter chore to play.

Flushed Away is absolute toilet. Sorry, again (but not as sorry as anyone involved in making the game should be).

Insultingly simple and clumsy Live Arcade puzzle game, unworthy of your time.

To be fair to publisher Rising Star, it does deserve tremendous credit for regularly bringing unheralded, obscure Asian titles to Europe. Sadly though, in the case of Ju-On: The Grudge, it has picked probably the most excruciatingly leaden survival-horror game of all time, and that took some doing.

For those of us living in the now, it's joyless tat and should be smashed with hammers. Big ones.

Onechanbara: Bikini Samurai Squad might have been enjoyable, in a silly, disposable way, if the gameplay was halfway decent. It isn't, and not even the nicest bottom in the world can make up for that.

Since you can pretty much exhaust the available gameplay within half an hour of switching the DS on, it seems likely that this curiously half-baked compilation was simply a way for Activision to use the Tony Hawk brand to get their motion sensing peripheral into the market. Yet so flimsy are the games that it feels like they simply bundled the internal tech demos designed to test the hardware and dressed it up as a commercial game.

Although it shows some early promise, MindsEye is sunk by a ridiculous story, inconsistent writing, poorly designed mission scenarios, and utterly atrocious combat.

For everything else in its amazing catalogue of flaws, errors and catastrophes, though, the biggest problem is that the game just stops whenever you can't work out what to do.

Chronically poor AI and a lack of challenge aren't the only problems Code of Honor suffers from. The levels are highly linear and feel artificial, with areas boxed in by fences, barbed wire and impenetrable bushes.

If it's erotic imagery you're after, just get some porn. The visuals will be more realistic, the acting will be better and the plot will make more sense.

It doesn't really work, as the game never finds the right way to balance the two modes of play, but this brief flicker of ambition offers just enough ballast to prevent this otherwise tiresomely unremarkable game from sinking completely.

A strong sense of character is let down by poor controls, fiddly implementation, and bugs.

It's pretty clear that Pimp My Ride is not aimed at us. And by "us" I mean "people who have at least a basic understanding of what makes a good game". It's the equivalent of a movie like Norbit or a TV show like...well, like Pimp My Ride.

Low-budget games can be delightful and surprising, but only if the core elements work. Here, they don't. In its best moments, this is only ever a reminder of better games. In its worst moments - of which there are far too many - Dark frustrates and irritates as only a clumsy stealth game can.

I expected better from Terminal Reality. Ghostbusters wasn't quite the real deal, but it suggested a studio that could go on to much better things - and then Kinect Star Wars, and now this. If you don't want The Walking Dead tarnished forever, then avoid Survival Instinct: it is simple hackwork, fan exploitation at its most crude.

As the back of the box says: Identify (that the game's a bit rubbish). Eliminate (it off your shopping list). Survive (with your dignity intact).

Let's not beat about the bush and get straight to the obvious: Simpsons Skateboarding is diabolical... a cash-in in the purest sense of the term.

For 25 quid, you could hire Richard Blackwood and Daniel Bedingfield for the afternoon and still have change for an egg sandwich, a Panda Pops and the bus to Lewisham Travelodge. You'd have more fun.

If you have a flagrant disregard for your sanity, your bank balance and enjoy the kind of masochistic self flagellation that true weirdos get up to in the privacy of their own home, then by all means pop down to your local gaming emporium and pick up Rise of the Machines and remind yourself how good all the other games in your collection are by comparison.

To call Lost Swords a failed experiment would be an insult to every ambitious game that fell flat on its face. It feels like Namco put barely any thought into making the not-so-micro-transactions justifiable or even making sure that the single-player focus felt consistently engaging.

An ambitious and mysterious puzzler that's ultimately as frustrating as it is fascinating.

Would Heavy Armor be a better game if it ditched Kinect and focused purely on the tried-and-tested buttons? In all honesty, no - because without the novelty of raising your arm to pull down a periscope or punch your fleeing co-pilot in the face, this would be a comparatively dull experience.

The DS's wireless abilities means that it's able to offer two-player mode on a handheld, which would be tremendous, if it didn't require two copies of the game to play. A ridiculous rip-off for a game nearly two decades old.

It has some redeeming features and won't be the most depressing footballing experience most of us endure in the next 30 days, but rather like most professional footballers, it would do better to focus more on its football than the surrounding pageantry - and on the pitch it can't even get the accents right.

Even Harry, Ron and Hermione's limp-wristed spell-casting animation looks half-hearted. It's an insult to the fiction, an insult to the increasingly good films, and an insult to bad videogames.

At no point was it an unpleasant game to play, it's merely completely retrograde in several key areas and lacking any sense of presentation or style. It's an ugly game, but one which, crucially, works as a game at its most basic level - which, to my mind, weighs heavily against the problems it has in most other areas.

The generic can't-be-arsed title says it all. It's the sort of thing you might consider buying for your Dad, should you spot it in the GBP 1.99 bin at the supermarket two days before his birthday, even though you know he doesn't really play games all that much.

The game's central conceit, which has you infiltrating giant towers with the aim of bringing them down from the inside, encourages uninspiring, repetitive internal environments, a problem the game's art team fails to overcome.

It could have been an interesting title but the problems with control, weird gameplay style, terrible graphics and rigged, repetitive games just kill any joy that would be garnered from playing it.

Every aspect - from concept to execution - is so sorely flawed as to make even "GoldenEye: Rogue Agent" blush and to find a game so virtually meritless in this day and age is a rare thing indeed.

This unlikely Front Mission spin-off's occasional charm can't make up for its seriously broken fundamentals.

It's a stupid idea, and one that pretty much breaks Midnight Bowling. It's too silly to work as a bowling sim, but it's also too open to unfair play to work as a fun multiplayer game.

As a whole the game feels undercooked, unpolished and ultimately unsatisfying.

A blatantly unfinished and uninspired nostalgia project that sheds a certain, peculiar light on the immersive sim at large. [Eurogamer Avoid]

Ready 2 Rumble Revolution has botched controls, faulty technology and unsympathetic style, but I suspect there's a half-decent arcade fighter residing somewhere underneath it all. Even if there is, though, it'll need to go back to the gym for some serious work before showing its face in the ring again. As it is, it dances like a buffalo and stings like wet cabbage.

Absolutely horrible execution.

A relatively pretty update of the classic formula, but one that lacks the soul or spirit to make it even vaguely interesting.

Off Road is not as hateful as, say, RealPlay Racing, but you still shouldn't buy it.

The idea of an interactive comic as narrative expansion is a sound one, but Ignition entirely fails to do the concept justice.

While Sniper: Art of Victory is superior to its brother in arms, and the sniping mechanic itself is reasonably well implemented, there are still too many flaws here to recommend it.

Once the novelty of the game concept has worn off, which doesn't take long, the frustration caused by the controls really kicks in.

At best, it's a functional third-person platformer that sometimes acts like a shooter. At worst, it's an astonishing collection of poor design decisions, half-hearted implementation and mindless narrative clutter that will only lead to buyer's remorse in all who decide to give it a try.

You've lost a lot of respect and you've ruined the enjoyment of hundreds of your admirers. Look me in the eye and tell me you're not ashamed.

But the really depressing thing about PlayFirst's spirit-crushing little game is that it'll probably sell enough to result in a deluge of the bloody things, and force us to question the sanity of mankind. Again.

Pirates vs Ninjas Dodgeball is due for release soon, and that's a far more instinctive and entertaining affair. Save your points for that, and send this one for an early shower.

Even if you loved the film, even if gullible children are tearfully begging you to buy them this game, even if there's been a nuclear holocaust and the only games to survive are this and "Army Men: Green Rogue"; please, just say No.

The idea of an interactive comic as narrative expansion is a sound one, but Ignition entirely fails to do the concept justice.

Go away, George of the Jungle, and die horribly in a fire.

Enemy Front is a bad game on almost every level, but it gives me no pleasure to report that. It's not a lazy game, as you can see the developer trying as hard as it can to mimic the juggernauts that dominate the genre, but nor does it show enough personality or ambition to break out of the tired old paradigms.

The results feel neutered and unfinished.

King of Clubs doesn't play a very good game of golf, and the unlockable elements do little to counteract this rather glaring flaw.

About the only thing I can say in favour of Rollercoaster Tycoon 4 Mobile is that it accurately captures the experience of visiting a theme park: it costs too much to get in, the stalls are all overpriced, you have to wait ages for all the rides and the whole experience will leave you feeling decidedly nauseous.

It's not being corny and schlocky on purpose, which means that for all its faults Rambo honestly taps into the spirit of 1980s action cinema more deeply than you might expect - not in spite of its rough edges, but because of them.

Apocalyptica's lazy design and sheer lack of imagination is more than enough to ruin any chance it had of developing the relatively interesting premise. Forgive Konami, father, for they have sinned.

Archaic and lethargic, The Expendables 2 seems far more likely to break a hip than a sweat.

It's as if Pandemic's once shiny, happy puppy grew old and tired, as is the way of things, but then instead of being put down was handed over to a bunch of tramps. Who shaved all its hair off and fed it on Tesco Value Pilsner and let it get mange. It's time for THQ to get the shotgun.

Small and fussy, Storm of Vengeance crudely pastes Warhammer 40K branding on top of a thin and generic one-button mobile game framework. What depth it does offer is limited in scope and too often obscured by game mechanics that become irritating or repetitive almost immediately. It's simply no fun to play.

Amy fails on all counts. It's plagued by jerky movement, poor scripting, weak puzzles and shoddy checkpointing, but it's also a characterless mess of themes and ideas swiped from a dozen better horror titles. Neither quirky enough to be forgiven its unfinished feel nor polished enough to satisfy the base gaming itch, Amy is a crushing disappointment with little to recommend it.

All it had to do was actually simulate farming. That, apparently, is too much to ask from a game called Farming Simulator. In its own weird way, the complete lack of ambition shown by this underdog has disappointed me more than any lacklustre blockbuster ever will.

But Declassified also exposes failings of Call of Duty's form and fashion. The game is a cliché, its thrills limited, its time-stretching ploys clear. It's infused with the character of Call of Duty, but stripped of the spectacle it reveals the underlying game to be wholly plain and an uninteresting use of your time.

AMF Bowling Pinbusters is like Wii Sports bowling only several thousand times less good. The game mechanics are awful and the presentation is a disgrace.

Objectively this is a game that basically sucks. It's technically limited, characterised by treacle-slow, far-from-original gameplay that's beset by niggles, and sorely unadorned by fancy cut-scenes or easy-to-navigate menus. But subjectively, in spite of all of its flaws, what emerges is something that has the potential to be hypnotically absorbing and, yes, even fun. [JPN Import]

You'll flail your way half-heartedly through a miserable procession of encounters, against enemies that seem as thrilled to be there as you. In between, you'll weave through generic platform negotiation sections, before inevitably being forced to dispatch another prescribed gaggle of bored foes and, gasp, maybe a boss.

With a dash more ambition, and a lot more technical coherence, at best it would only have been a middling distraction before next year's Dead Island 2. In its current form, the kindest thing would be a short, sharp stab with a screwdriver behind the ear.

It pains me to say it, but Sonic Boom needs to be the last noise we hear from the blue hedgehog for a very long time.

Horrendously bad. It makes you realise how spoilt we are with modern masterpieces like "Raven Shield," which combine realistic counter-terrorism with addictive gameplay and produce enjoyable scenarios for single and multiple players.

This game gets a low score because there is no point to it.

But the really depressing thing about PlayFirst's spirit-crushing little game is that it'll probably sell enough to result in a deluge of the bloody things, and force us to question the sanity of mankind. Again.

To make matters worse, you get sent back to a tedious menu screen every single time you learn one of the hundreds of thousands of stupid moves.

Up against World at War, Killzone 2 and Halo 3, it's a complete joke. The worst FPS I've played since Turning Point: Fall of Liberty.

The west is an empty, lonely place in this well-timed release - but that's not exactly what you're after from an MMO. [Avoid]

The worst of pretentious story games and brainless beat-em-ups combined - with an insulting gimmick that's all its own. [Avoid]

Game development has evolved to the point where it's pretty rare that a PS3 or Xbox 360 release is actually anything worse than mediocre, but Rogue Warrior is easily the worst game I've played on either platform for a long, long time. You could call it cheap, exploitative trash, but it's not actually that cheap, and the exploitation elements are probably the best thing it's got going for it. Trash though? Absolutely.

The characters make annoying noises all the time and their hit-and-miss one-liners are repeated too often. All in all Acme Arsenal is a chore to play, even if you're...

Even with expectations duly lowered to allow for the usual make-do approach taken to most licensed kids games, the sheer hideousness of this title still crept up and sucker-punched me right in the soul. There's not a single element of this game that is fun, even in the most tangential use of the term.

The controls are awful, the camera is beyond appalling, the graphics are hideous, the environments are bare, the gameplay is unbearably repetitive and the whole thing is an utter chore to play.

Perhaps Sports Island Freedom is best summed up by the person I forced to help me test out the multiplayer mode. His verdict, following several long minutes of tedious menu navigation and 48 seconds of gameplay: "What is the point of this? It is appalling."

It's not funny, it's not fun to play and it's less erotic than psoriasis. As the Smurfs would say: **** off, Larry.

The Game Party experience is like going to a party where there's nothing to drink but Tesco Value brandy and there are only four other guests and they're all racist and then your ex turns up and gets off with a Danish supermodel. Would you pay GBP 19.99 to go to that party?

Despite some added substance and structure, eFootball's good ideas are still buried beneath matchmaking issues, weird decisions, and major gameplay bugs. [Eurogamer Avoid]

It's the worst-looking Wii game I've ever played and frankly that takes some effort. It's no fun to play either.

Ubisoft should be ashamed of itself for trying to peddle more of this nonsense. And Microsoft needs its giant cyborg head examined for thinking this is a great way to show off the capabilities of its new hardware. It's like Tampax launching an ad campaign fronted by Danny Dyer.

It is not bad in the way that a game like Boiling Point is bad, where things coalesce into a kind of awful greatness. This is a tacky and technically incompetent production with no redeeming features whatsoever, devoid of fun and an insult to the name it bears. Flatout once burned bright, but now is gone - and if there is a driving hell, this is surely it.

My wife insisted on having a play as she was intrigued by the idea, although after five short minutes she declared, "What the hell's the point of this?" and went back to playing The Sims 2. Which just about sums it all up, really.

Citadels is a sorry mess that should be avoided. Perhaps the developers will fix at least the basic functions in a few months but there is nothing here that raises any hope that it will even match its competitors then.

If you're even slightly tempted, just remember that at the maelstrom's core is a very basic and ugly game made by a company that is both dishonest and incompetent. Combining disgraceful ethics with endemic failures of design, The War Z is a real disaster.

Ninjabread Man lasted half an hour. HALF AN HOUR. Three levels down and I was booted straight back to the main menu without fanfare. I thought I'd pressed the Quit button by mistake... Half an hour and one hundred percent done.

These are dross of the highest order. Rip offs at budget price.

SPOGS Racing at least gets the honour of being the worst game on WiiWare. It looks awful and it plays even worse. It's the most inept game I've played on any format, in any genre, in recent memory.

The most imaginative thing that happened to me in my time playing this game is that a noiseless combine harvester came towards me and I had to run away from it.

Because for all it brings to the table - space combat, Halo's shield, varied levels - not one single aspect is truly worthy of praise.

This PS2 incarnation of the cross-platform offence is entirely without worth. It's agony in 1s and 0s. Don't even touch your bargepole with a bargepole.

So while nothing substantial has been added to the SpellForce cauldron, the sequel's focus on smaller battles and quality questing has been refined, and the end result is a palatable expansion pack. With dragons.