This is an absolute horror show of a game and I cannot recommend anybody buy it or even accept it for free.

Much like an anime fan on prom night, I would rather be at home playing Mega Man than here. I would rather be playing Shovel Knight. I would rather be playing most games in this genre...Mighty No. 9? More like Shitey No. 9!

It's almost impressive just how wrong this game is. As a Contra game, Rogue Corps almost goes out of its way to be completely inept. As a general shooter, its sub-par in every way...Slow, repetitive, and ugly as hell, Contra: Rogue Corps is embarrassing even by Konami's low standards, and this is all before we get to the weapons overheating.

It never seemed likely that Bethesda was capable of handling an online Fallout game, and the dreadful mess that is Fallout 76 only validates one’s cynicism. Which is fine, because Fallout 76 is, itself, a cynical game. A cynical game that barely works. Lifeless, archaic, and featuring a totally mangled VATS system, this desperate trip on the Live Services bandwagon is an utter waste of time.

I don’t like it, okay? Stop it, Sonic Runners, stop doing everything you’re doing. Well, except that part where you allow yourself to be a game, buried under mountains of distasteful gibberish...Also, the loading times are crap.

An absolute horror show of a game and I cannot recommend anybody buy it or even accept it for free.

Jurassic Park Classic Games Collection is really rather sad. It looks and feels cheap, the drought of available options is stark, and the fact they couldn’t even include save states or rewind options without being extremely frugal about it is audacious at the very least. To top it off, all six games - masquerading as seven - are garbage. Pure, utter garbage. Yes, even the ones you remember...Especially the ones you remember.

The Last Oricru is a masterpiece of bad design. When a game has to warn its players not to invest in half the available skill points because they’re worthless, you know you’ve got something special, and that’s what Oricru is - special. It’s so profoundly wrong it deserves to be studied, dissected, remembered for years. Its creators should tour universities and give talks about their artistic philosophies so future generations can learn how never to make a videogame. If you’d told me aliens had developed it, I’d struggle to argue, such is the incomprehensible absurdity on display...I am in awe of such a marvel.

Nothing I wrote here in 2008 applies to the ugly, sh.tty, port job with woefully poor controls and instances of the whole thing being plaing f.cking broken.

By selling Gangs of Sherwood, Nacon is robbing from the gullible and giving to the inept. I’d have worked on a better closing analogy, but this game isn’t bloody worth it.

Activision chose overwhelming mediocrity.

It’s the kind of game that believes plonking players in a brightly lit space is enough audience engagement to satisfy.

This is an absolute horror show of a game and I cannot recommend anybody buy it or even accept it for free. Sod this Attack on Titan ripoff.

Zenith isn’t just badly made – it’s appalling. A boorish, cynical failure of a comedy game broken in ways I’ve never before seen. The fact it somehow – everso rarely – manages to show a glimmer of wit under all the misery only worsens the deal, highlighting how this could have perhaps been something decent before it was run through whatever thresher led to it becoming the mangled carcass it is...There is no cure for the disease this game carries. The kindest thing to do is take it out back and put a bullet between its glazed, gormless eyes.

I take no pleasure in admonishing this remaster. Sacred 2 occupies a small but precious space in my heart, and I’m shocked to see how disastrously this has turned out. There’s still fun to be salvaged from the wreckage, but I can’t ignore the fact that Sacred 2: Remaster qualifies as a defective product. I have so many questions about how this came out in the state it’s in, but one query stands above them all.

Transformers: Galactic Trials is overpriced and full of nothing. The gimmick of switching between vehicular racing and robotic shooting might have worked if both halves weren’t so thoughtlessly welded together like a shoddy cut-and-shut car. Then again, its meager content and technical sloppiness suggests it never had a chance...Also I’m still seething at the lack of Starscream.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutants in Manhattan is one of those games that avoids being truly deplorable despite my having nothing nice to say about it. It didn’t infuriate me the same way Star Fox Zero did, and it’s not a broken pile of junk like Homefront: The Revolution. It is, however, lacking a single noteworthy highlight, and the only positive point I can make is that I didn’t completely hate it...I didn’t like it. I could barely stand to stick with its overwhelming mediocrity...But hey, I didn’t hate it...I didn’t hate this disappointing little waste of time...Well done, game!

At best, it’s a curious relic from a bygone era of videogames in terms of both mechanics and attitude. At worst, it’s an ugly and boring game where the most interesting aspect is the prevalence an of inconsistent framerate despite looking like garbage. The worst part is, I have the horrible suspicion that Valhalla believes it made something really, really good. And that just makes me incredibly sad.

A grim part of me actually looked forward to this. Good or bad, I thought we’d get something provocative or remarkable in some way, shape, or form. Instead, we got a prosaic and outmoded little pile of cynicism. Perhaps worse than that – we got a damn boring game.

I smiled when I first started playing this thing. I was directly controlling Unimarutchi, exploring the world with literally my favorite character, but my smile faded within seconds of realizing what Namco had dared to shovel in front of people and charge for. There’s nothing to explore, nothing to enjoy, just the grinding menial filth of a game that doesn’t give a f.ck.

If you hated Operation Racoon City, I urge you to try it again after playing Umbrella Corps. You’ll think it’s fucking amazing...At least it doesn’t have microtransactions, weirdly. At least not yet.

Due to poor funding or a bankruptcy of talent, GODZILLA is a sad excuse for a game desperately attempting to be a worthy adaptation of the beloved monster series. Cheap, bumbling, and interminably boring, it’s a bargain basement budget release with the unbelievable gall to present itself as a major “AAA” release.

Left Alive is Metal Gear Solid fan fiction gone horribly, horribly wrong...It's cheap, ugly, hideous, boring, broken, and not worthy of anybody's time.

This is already easily in the running for one of 2018’s worst game. Woefully inadequate nonsense.

Vogelsap created a purely frustrating product – something that could have, and indeed should have, been something special, only to squander its opportunities at every step...I’d love to see everything The Flock tried to do in a better game, but I fear the failure of this one will only dissuade others from attempting it.

Daedalic had an opportunity to prove the cynics wrong when so many people wondered what the hell the point of a Gollum game would even be. Instead, they handled this with such utter clumsiness they likely ensured a game like it will never happen again.

One thing I’m sure of is that Sega ought to be embarrassed for pouring so much hype, so much marketing money, into this project, only to have a sad, miserable little dog’s dinner of a product to show for it. I guess it doesn’t matter, though. It’s an idiotic baby’s game for children, and it exists to sell toys. It also thinks you’re all dumb, and it wears its contempt for you on its sleeve. A sleeve covered in bandages.

This is something we’d make fun of if it was on Desura for ten bucks, and that’s when this stops being a funny game and starts becoming offensive – because it isn’t on Desura for ten dollars. It’s a full-priced, $59.99 MSRP, retail “AAA” production bearing Tony Hawk’s name and proudly published by Activision...It’s really, atrociously unacceptable once that sinks in.

Stray Souls is easily one of the worst horror games ever made. The fascistic interests of its director aside, this is a defective product duct taped into a barely coherent mess of prepurchased assets, algorithmically generated art, and bargain bin genre tropes...To play it is to cringe at a rare extremity of creative shamelessness. This stunning example of maladroit artistic negligence struggles to achieve the deeply grounded bar of “playable” yet has the insulting nerve to try and claim a desperate connection to Silent Hill. The temerity of this crime against spookiness is off the charts...How dare Stray Souls? How f.cking dare it?

Poorly made and ineptly designed, MindsEye cosplays as an open world game to its own detriment. The lifeless cardboard realm we could generously label a "world" is aggressively closed off, its sandbox appearance nothing more than desperately shallow dressing for a cover shooter so bereft of features it’s bloody embarrassing.

The dreadful studio that brought you Quantum Error has delivered a game very much in line with its library of shameless trash. It is legitimately sad that not enough people knew of its lineage before Code Violet benefited from a whole lot of ill-gotten hype.

GameMill Entertainment continues its run of rushed, cheap, utterly contemptuous scam jobs. Yet another game where you can see how the developers at one point hoped to make something good until reality hit them in the face, forcing them to spray some vomit onto storefronts and call it a day...It’s only marginally better than Skull Island: Rise of Kong because I can f.cking laugh at it.

Nonsensical, ugly, broken, and often hilariously incompetent, The Quiet Man is confusing gibberish from beginning to end. Speaking of the end… hoo boy!

It’s disgusting on almost every level, and the fact Topware is selling it for $54.99 is unforgivable.

This could have been good. A dungeon crawler in the Overlord universe has some promise, but there’s just nothing here. No satisfying loot drops. No expanding combat ability. Nothing but braindead, horrifically designed combat. Oh, and a few utterly insipid pressure-plate puzzles. Because those are always fun...I fucking hate it...That is what I’m trying to say.

Alone in the Dark: Illumination is ugly in every sense of the word, not just visually – though it is about as attractive as an anus in an eye socket. Hideous both inside and out, it’s the consummate fraud that hides behind a recognizable name to deliver interactive poison.

Something ugly to the point of actively affecting gameplay, something that requires multiple reloading of saves to fix glitched doors, something that crashes when given a chance and boasts a user interface that actively fights the player. That this saw a release and expects to sell for real human money is lunacy. Then again, that’s this game all over – sheer, unbelievable lunacy.

I love State of Decay, and that needs to be communicated with all the sincerity in the world. I love that bloody videogame...State of Decay: Year One Survival Edition is a cynical rehash that needed to be much, much more.

An incomplete, creatively bankrupt vacuum. If we’re so starved for nonviolent experiences that this is what we champion, the industry’s in worse shape than I thought.

The only worthwhile thing to say about TAKEN is that its name is quite meaningful indeed – it’s taken peoples’ money, and it’s done nothing to earn it...Oh, and the “scary” little girl looks shit.

Shower With Your Dad Simulator: Do You Still Shower With Your Dad might not be a game you could explain away to a significant other, but it’s markedly better than any explanation could suggest...Plus those dads really do hang dong.

It’s certainly nothing professional, and it absolutely does not deserve to be mentioned in the same breath as a real Dark Souls game. That anybody thought this monstrous garbage was a good way to promote an upcoming game speaks volumes about the disconnect from reality videogame executives suffer from.

If you’re hoping for another Souls experience, this is too tepid an offering to satisfying. That said, it’s still worth playing if you want an amusing, silly bit of action.

A shoddy product all the way through, Super Slam is a sneering grab for ad revenue and microtransactions that weakly trades on nostalgia and brings nothing else to the table. Unappealing on its own and doubly distasteful to anybody who actually knows what Pogs are, it’s safe to say this is not the big Pog comeback it pretends to be...I’d rather play with fucking Tazos, for God’s sake, and a diehard Pog expert like me should not be saying that.

Life of Black Tiger is a massive piece of f*cking shit. Also it has multiplayer.

Vaccine is shit, but it does say its own name in a creepy deep voice when you start it, which is the single thing it has over Resident Evil 7.

I wish this game had a head so I could stamp on the back of it and push it mercilessly into a pile of sick and guts.

I swear this is a real thing that is on the PlayStation Store. I promise you it has the nerve to charge $19.99.

Poignant, clever, and creepy as all hell!

Xaviant should be thoroughly embarrassed. This desperate attempt to ape PUBG (they don’t even have the chops to attempt cloning Fortnite) is beyond sad.

Underhero is a fun platforming RPG that puts players in the boots of a faceless mook attempting to subvert his evil overlord. It’s quite good indeed!

You sly Fox, you, you’ve gone and delivered an excellent game, and all we had to do was download it (and enter into a tacit agreement not to spoil anything for 24 hours, which many of us promptly ignored).

It’s quite a lot of fun actually, but it’s let down by stingy payouts and the shadow of microtransactions.

It is not to be said lightly, but truly, that Samael The Legacy Of Ophiuchus (no punctuation) is the worst PlayStation 4 game I’ve ever played...Yes, worse than Life of Black Tiger. Way worse.

Just another mobile con job...A toned down Dungeon Keeper Mobile with boring combat and a deliberately unrewarding "reward" system, Blades is another shameless cash grab from a company that should know better.

As for me, I can’t say I was hooked. Dreamlight Valley is a world of cardboard, its inhabitants little more than set decoration and animated sources of material gain. It’s a game about menial labor for menial labor’s sake, the most monotonous elements of a life sim emphasized and weakly justified by the shallow inclusion of marketable Disney characters. It masquerades as a game about friendship while portraying personal relationships as little more than means to an end. Worse than all of that, though, it’s simply boring. Dreadfully, interminably, boring. [Early Access Score = 30]

Boneraiser Minions is a truly superb production, and not just because it makes a Bernard’s Watch reference. It’s a silly yet fiercely addictive survive ‘em up brimming with charismatic originality. From its premise to its unit-based spin on the genre to its multitude of unlocks and upgrades, this beautiful bit of nonsense won my heart with incredible ease. Boneraiser is the kind of game I’m excited to think about, and the constant cock talk is just a boners… sorry, a bonus. No complaints. No notes. Boneraiser Minions is simply exquisite.

It’s one thing to rip another game off, but to only pretend to rip one off for attention while doing something so threadbare it doesn’t even clear the low bar of plagiarism truly is deceptive on a whole other level. The Last Hope: Dead Zone Survival is not a forgery of The Last of Us - it’s a forgery of a forgery, it’s something so completely fucking fraudulent that it sells the idea of a counterfeit and delivers instead a handful of minimally functional assets structured just barely enough to resemble half an hour of navigable gameplay.

The score I’m giving this game is highly conditional, relevant as it is to a particular niche of player. Those outside the niche won’t get it, and I’m not saying that to be smug - they’re right not to get it...Just this once though, I’m happy to be wrong.

Mythforce is shallow and inauthentic, hiding its creative mundanity behind the insincere promise of retro silliness. This lack of artistic integrity is matched by a lack of quality control, awkwardly bolted together as it is with unrefined controls, dreadful performance, and archaic gameplay. At its very best, we have a boring and bland dungeon crawler of a distinctly unrewarding stripe, but it’s almost always far worse than that. Masters of the Universe was a show made as cheaply as possible, reusing the same backgrounds and animations about twenty times an episode. It was high fucking art compared to Mythforce.

There’s a truly great game desperately trying to emerge from Darktide. It just never quite gets its head above the water.

I’d call Skull Island: Rise of Kong embarrassing, but I’m not sure you can be capable of feeling such an emotion if you’re able to sell this thing. Ultimately, Skull Island is a scam. It’s not even bad in a funny way, it’s just insulting - it’s not been finished, it was roughly stitched into the vague shape of a videogame and given the price tag of a legitimate product...It’s the kind of game that makes the case for some sort of independent trading standards body in the game industry. I say this with all due gravity - The Game Mill should not have been allowed to sell Skull Island: Rise of Kong. In an industry with adequate customer protections, it should be recalled.

Can we turn one of these 80s horror films into something with some substance now? This asymmetrical online shit has clearly reached the barrel’s bottom if this is what we’re getting.

Ugly and threadbare, both mechanically and aesthetically, Garten of Banban has spread its lumpy legs and given birth to one of the most cynically manufactured franchises of all time.

Puzzles are more tedious, scares are more pitiful, and for all its expanded gameplay, this sequel manages to be no better than the last.

They say familiarity breeds contempt, and the more time I spend in this series’ dismal world, the more relatable a statement that becomes.

With an actual hint of production value, Garten of Banban IV is better, but it’s nowhere near acceptable. The larger environments lead to obscene amounts of backtracking, while the story and scares are as sad as ever. It is every bit the ugly, exploitative commercial its predecessors were.

Anomaly Pools has jumped on the liminal bandwagon with a game best released under the guise of a freebie “experiment” rather than a game that charges too much even at $1.99...Sorry. Having finished critiquing this, I feel like I’ve wasted all our time.

It should be nigh impossible to f.ck up releasing Doom at this point, but trust this collection of utter clowns to find not just one, but several ways of doing so. DOOM + DOOM II oozes carelessness and ineptitude all wrapped up in an attitude of apparent contempt. Still, the remixed soundtracks absolutely slap.

Angel at Dusk may not be up there with the most essential shooters, but its bonkers concept and sickeningly beautiful visuals help it to stand out while the aggressive combat provides plenty of fun. Well, until repetition starts to set in. An enjoyable time, especially if the average shooter isn’t enough like Videodrome for you.

If one were to judge it purely on a remastering job, The Thing is one of the most impressive games released this year. To preserve the feel of the original while enhancing so much about it is an incredible feat performed to an astounding degree. It’s a game of the year contender for as long as we don’t look at what the game is. Sadly, we have to, and that game is The Thing. Sod it, let’s just slap an inoffensive 7/10 on it. S’only a game, innit?

“Vampire Survivors but it’s an FPS” is a solid idea with so much potential to wind up as an ill-advised mess. Vampire Hunters does the concept justice with a thoughtfully produced game that not only serves Survive ‘em Up gameplay in a fresh format but pops a ton of clever little touches on top. Despite its name sounding like that of a videogame mockbuster, this is the kind of fresh flavor any overly saturated genre sorely needs.

It would be great if Bendy and the Dark Revival was the BioShock-inspired horror production it wants to be, but that would require more than cheap jumpscares and thoroughly awful combat alongside equally impoverished stealth. It’s not just undercooked, it’s bloody raw.

An utterly ill-advised redub is just one of several puzzling disappointments. The House of the Dead Remake wasn’t perfect, but it tried a lot harder, with better controls and more features. By stark contrast, this is a wonky and flimsy followup that has no excuse for playing worse and delivering less...Oh, and the first remake’s on sale for $2.49 right now, so if you wanted just one of these games, the choice is bloody obvious.