I realise first person shooters are getting shorter these days, but, come on. Did Saber Interactive really imagine that releasing a movie tie-in that you can sleepwalk through inside an hour was going to be acceptable?

The controls are awful, the camera is beyond appalling, the graphics are hideous, the environments are bare, the gameplay is unbearably repetitive and the whole thing is an utter chore to play.

Settlers II is a great game. A classic. This version isn't. It's a travesty, and one that should never have been released. Without the fatal bugs it'd be a disappointing put passable conversion but you can't play a game not knowing when or if the game will actually work the way it's supposed to, or if saving your progress will cause it to crash.

The Eternity Clock is shambolic and underfed, even by the Timelord's previous low gaming standards.

The controls are awful, the camera is beyond appalling, the graphics are hideous, the environments are bare, the gameplay is unbearably repetitive and the whole thing is an utter chore to play.

Flushed Away is absolute toilet. Sorry, again (but not as sorry as anyone involved in making the game should be).

Insultingly simple and clumsy Live Arcade puzzle game, unworthy of your time.

To be fair to publisher Rising Star, it does deserve tremendous credit for regularly bringing unheralded, obscure Asian titles to Europe. Sadly though, in the case of Ju-On: The Grudge, it has picked probably the most excruciatingly leaden survival-horror game of all time, and that took some doing.

For those of us living in the now, it's joyless tat and should be smashed with hammers. Big ones.

Onechanbara: Bikini Samurai Squad might have been enjoyable, in a silly, disposable way, if the gameplay was halfway decent. It isn't, and not even the nicest bottom in the world can make up for that.

Since you can pretty much exhaust the available gameplay within half an hour of switching the DS on, it seems likely that this curiously half-baked compilation was simply a way for Activision to use the Tony Hawk brand to get their motion sensing peripheral into the market. Yet so flimsy are the games that it feels like they simply bundled the internal tech demos designed to test the hardware and dressed it up as a commercial game.

Although it shows some early promise, MindsEye is sunk by a ridiculous story, inconsistent writing, poorly designed mission scenarios, and utterly atrocious combat.

For everything else in its amazing catalogue of flaws, errors and catastrophes, though, the biggest problem is that the game just stops whenever you can't work out what to do.

Chronically poor AI and a lack of challenge aren't the only problems Code of Honor suffers from. The levels are highly linear and feel artificial, with areas boxed in by fences, barbed wire and impenetrable bushes.

If it's erotic imagery you're after, just get some porn. The visuals will be more realistic, the acting will be better and the plot will make more sense.

It doesn't really work, as the game never finds the right way to balance the two modes of play, but this brief flicker of ambition offers just enough ballast to prevent this otherwise tiresomely unremarkable game from sinking completely.

A strong sense of character is let down by poor controls, fiddly implementation, and bugs.

It's pretty clear that Pimp My Ride is not aimed at us. And by "us" I mean "people who have at least a basic understanding of what makes a good game". It's the equivalent of a movie like Norbit or a TV show like...well, like Pimp My Ride.

Low-budget games can be delightful and surprising, but only if the core elements work. Here, they don't. In its best moments, this is only ever a reminder of better games. In its worst moments - of which there are far too many - Dark frustrates and irritates as only a clumsy stealth game can.

I expected better from Terminal Reality. Ghostbusters wasn't quite the real deal, but it suggested a studio that could go on to much better things - and then Kinect Star Wars, and now this. If you don't want The Walking Dead tarnished forever, then avoid Survival Instinct: it is simple hackwork, fan exploitation at its most crude.

As the back of the box says: Identify (that the game's a bit rubbish). Eliminate (it off your shopping list). Survive (with your dignity intact).

Let's not beat about the bush and get straight to the obvious: Simpsons Skateboarding is diabolical... a cash-in in the purest sense of the term.

For 25 quid, you could hire Richard Blackwood and Daniel Bedingfield for the afternoon and still have change for an egg sandwich, a Panda Pops and the bus to Lewisham Travelodge. You'd have more fun.

If you have a flagrant disregard for your sanity, your bank balance and enjoy the kind of masochistic self flagellation that true weirdos get up to in the privacy of their own home, then by all means pop down to your local gaming emporium and pick up Rise of the Machines and remind yourself how good all the other games in your collection are by comparison.

To call Lost Swords a failed experiment would be an insult to every ambitious game that fell flat on its face. It feels like Namco put barely any thought into making the not-so-micro-transactions justifiable or even making sure that the single-player focus felt consistently engaging.

An ambitious and mysterious puzzler that's ultimately as frustrating as it is fascinating.

Would Heavy Armor be a better game if it ditched Kinect and focused purely on the tried-and-tested buttons? In all honesty, no - because without the novelty of raising your arm to pull down a periscope or punch your fleeing co-pilot in the face, this would be a comparatively dull experience.

The DS's wireless abilities means that it's able to offer two-player mode on a handheld, which would be tremendous, if it didn't require two copies of the game to play. A ridiculous rip-off for a game nearly two decades old.