Shower With Your Dad Simulator: Do You Still Shower With Your Dad might not be a game you could explain away to a significant other, but it’s markedly better than any explanation could suggest...Plus those dads really do hang dong.

It’s certainly nothing professional, and it absolutely does not deserve to be mentioned in the same breath as a real Dark Souls game. That anybody thought this monstrous garbage was a good way to promote an upcoming game speaks volumes about the disconnect from reality videogame executives suffer from.

If you’re hoping for another Souls experience, this is too tepid an offering to satisfying. That said, it’s still worth playing if you want an amusing, silly bit of action.

A shoddy product all the way through, Super Slam is a sneering grab for ad revenue and microtransactions that weakly trades on nostalgia and brings nothing else to the table. Unappealing on its own and doubly distasteful to anybody who actually knows what Pogs are, it’s safe to say this is not the big Pog comeback it pretends to be...I’d rather play with fucking Tazos, for God’s sake, and a diehard Pog expert like me should not be saying that.

Life of Black Tiger is a massive piece of f*cking shit. Also it has multiplayer.

Vaccine is shit, but it does say its own name in a creepy deep voice when you start it, which is the single thing it has over Resident Evil 7.

I wish this game had a head so I could stamp on the back of it and push it mercilessly into a pile of sick and guts.

I swear this is a real thing that is on the PlayStation Store. I promise you it has the nerve to charge $19.99.

Poignant, clever, and creepy as all hell!

Xaviant should be thoroughly embarrassed. This desperate attempt to ape PUBG (they don’t even have the chops to attempt cloning Fortnite) is beyond sad.

Underhero is a fun platforming RPG that puts players in the boots of a faceless mook attempting to subvert his evil overlord. It’s quite good indeed!

You sly Fox, you, you’ve gone and delivered an excellent game, and all we had to do was download it (and enter into a tacit agreement not to spoil anything for 24 hours, which many of us promptly ignored).

It’s quite a lot of fun actually, but it’s let down by stingy payouts and the shadow of microtransactions.

It is not to be said lightly, but truly, that Samael The Legacy Of Ophiuchus (no punctuation) is the worst PlayStation 4 game I’ve ever played...Yes, worse than Life of Black Tiger. Way worse.

Just another mobile con job...A toned down Dungeon Keeper Mobile with boring combat and a deliberately unrewarding "reward" system, Blades is another shameless cash grab from a company that should know better.

As for me, I can’t say I was hooked. Dreamlight Valley is a world of cardboard, its inhabitants little more than set decoration and animated sources of material gain. It’s a game about menial labor for menial labor’s sake, the most monotonous elements of a life sim emphasized and weakly justified by the shallow inclusion of marketable Disney characters. It masquerades as a game about friendship while portraying personal relationships as little more than means to an end. Worse than all of that, though, it’s simply boring. Dreadfully, interminably, boring. [Early Access Score = 30]

Boneraiser Minions is a truly superb production, and not just because it makes a Bernard’s Watch reference. It’s a silly yet fiercely addictive survive ‘em up brimming with charismatic originality. From its premise to its unit-based spin on the genre to its multitude of unlocks and upgrades, this beautiful bit of nonsense won my heart with incredible ease. Boneraiser is the kind of game I’m excited to think about, and the constant cock talk is just a boners… sorry, a bonus. No complaints. No notes. Boneraiser Minions is simply exquisite.

It’s one thing to rip another game off, but to only pretend to rip one off for attention while doing something so threadbare it doesn’t even clear the low bar of plagiarism truly is deceptive on a whole other level. The Last Hope: Dead Zone Survival is not a forgery of The Last of Us - it’s a forgery of a forgery, it’s something so completely fucking fraudulent that it sells the idea of a counterfeit and delivers instead a handful of minimally functional assets structured just barely enough to resemble half an hour of navigable gameplay.

The score I’m giving this game is highly conditional, relevant as it is to a particular niche of player. Those outside the niche won’t get it, and I’m not saying that to be smug - they’re right not to get it...Just this once though, I’m happy to be wrong.

Mythforce is shallow and inauthentic, hiding its creative mundanity behind the insincere promise of retro silliness. This lack of artistic integrity is matched by a lack of quality control, awkwardly bolted together as it is with unrefined controls, dreadful performance, and archaic gameplay. At its very best, we have a boring and bland dungeon crawler of a distinctly unrewarding stripe, but it’s almost always far worse than that. Masters of the Universe was a show made as cheaply as possible, reusing the same backgrounds and animations about twenty times an episode. It was high fucking art compared to Mythforce.

There’s a truly great game desperately trying to emerge from Darktide. It just never quite gets its head above the water.

I’d call Skull Island: Rise of Kong embarrassing, but I’m not sure you can be capable of feeling such an emotion if you’re able to sell this thing. Ultimately, Skull Island is a scam. It’s not even bad in a funny way, it’s just insulting - it’s not been finished, it was roughly stitched into the vague shape of a videogame and given the price tag of a legitimate product...It’s the kind of game that makes the case for some sort of independent trading standards body in the game industry. I say this with all due gravity - The Game Mill should not have been allowed to sell Skull Island: Rise of Kong. In an industry with adequate customer protections, it should be recalled.

Can we turn one of these 80s horror films into something with some substance now? This asymmetrical online shit has clearly reached the barrel’s bottom if this is what we’re getting.

Ugly and threadbare, both mechanically and aesthetically, Garten of Banban has spread its lumpy legs and given birth to one of the most cynically manufactured franchises of all time.

Puzzles are more tedious, scares are more pitiful, and for all its expanded gameplay, this sequel manages to be no better than the last.

They say familiarity breeds contempt, and the more time I spend in this series’ dismal world, the more relatable a statement that becomes.

With an actual hint of production value, Garten of Banban IV is better, but it’s nowhere near acceptable. The larger environments lead to obscene amounts of backtracking, while the story and scares are as sad as ever. It is every bit the ugly, exploitative commercial its predecessors were.

Anomaly Pools has jumped on the liminal bandwagon with a game best released under the guise of a freebie “experiment” rather than a game that charges too much even at $1.99...Sorry. Having finished critiquing this, I feel like I’ve wasted all our time.