Pretentious bullsh.t. Playing with tiny, microscopic things. Paying $35 for a game that's suckier than the free games that came with your cellphone.

Nanostray's old school, Galaga-style, kill 'em all action left us with sweaty armpits and racing hearts.

Game play is like "Jet Grind Radio," minus the roller skates. Worse still, the game's camera wheels around like Flava Flav after quaffing too much Dom P.

Like a late-night hookup with the town floozy, this game might look promising when you take it home, but trust us, the next morning you're going to wonder why this disc is snuggled up inside your Xbox. Rent.

But don't let anything touch you, no matter what, because this game brings back the Old Testament concept of one-hit deaths. Beneath the Saturday morning cartoon exterior of the Metal Slug games beats a cruel heart that you'll either love or hate.

It's pretty short-six to eight hours, tops. The Xbox version is the way to go, since the load times between "rooms" are a fraction of what they are on the PS2.

A pleasant surprise. Yes, we were still creeping through bombed-out aircraft hangars and taking over bunkers brimming with Nazis, but we were enjoying ourselves for the first time in ages.

Or you can simply hoard all the good weapons and med packs for yourself and watch your fellow players wither, die and come back to pseudo-life as flesh-eating zombies.

The soundtrack, featuring James Brown and Strawberry Alarm Clock, keeps you going long after the Agent Orange has taken away your ability to feel.

Despite the numerous missions on the disc, you can zip through the entire game in an afternoon.

The kids who take the short bus to school will learn to drive stick faster than you'll learn to gain even a rudimentary level of control over the Vertical Tank.

Depending on how much time you spend searching each of the 11 single-player maps for hidden items, it should take you a couple of days.

But can someone please explain why we lose Enthu points when aggressive opponents tag us in the ass-end? Only a cloven-hoofed Enron accountant would think this was OK.

Like a late-night hookup with the town floozy, this game might look promising when you take it home, but trust us, the next morning you're going to wonder why this disc is snuggled up inside your Xbox. Rent.

And to top it all off, Lockdown features Lifetime channel–style scenes that do their damnedest to to make you think of your squad mates as real pals instead of the "meat shields" they really are.

"Burnout" meets "Twisted Metal" in the very first Xbox 360 game worth owning.

Even though it offers the best online play Sony has to offer, it still comes up a few frags shy of toppling Master Chief, mostly because our poor PS2 seemed to be struggling to run the game.

All in all, it seems like Activision has missed the boat. Instead of going the "Prince of Persia" route, taking a nostalgic title and darkening the action while beefing up the story, Lost Expedition wallows in mediocrity like a large, pink sow that uses words like mediocrity.

At best, playing the game is like having someone shout in your ear for 15 hours straight. At worst, it's like getting a high colonic with balsamic vinegar.

Fact is, it's good. If you dig the Aeon franchise, Charlize's long, lithe getaway sticks, or third-person action games, check it out.

The game's third-person combat is pretty much D.O.A.—target, shoot, repeat, etc.—but things pick up considerably once you acquire your chainsaw and boomstick (aka 12-gauge shotgun). And things pick up again after you partner up with a wise-cracking midget Deadite.

It's not as pretty as "Dead Or Alive Ultimate," or as technical as "Virtua Fighter 4," but this certainly has its own unique charm.

Game play is like "Jet Grind Radio," minus the roller skates. Worse still, the game's camera wheels around like Flava Flav after quaffing too much Dom P.

Game play is like "Jet Grind Radio," minus the roller skates. Worse still, the game's camera wheels around like Flava Flav after quaffing too much Dom P.

Progressive Scan support makes the graphics pop off the screens of compatible TVs.

Basically a hybrid FPS, Killer App combines straight-up shooting with some of the classic Tron universe vehicles like the light cycles.

Shockingly enough, is actually pretty damn good. Sure, it looks uglier than Ernest Borgnine in a tutu, and trying to use the controls is like operating the Space Shuttle while wearing oven mitts, but once you get the hang of it, beating the Stove Top stuffing out of agents is terrific fun.

Even with superstrong "Hyper" mode and customizable weapons, it took everything we had to not fall asleep on our controller.