Jurassic Park Classic Games Collection is really rather sad. It looks and feels cheap, the drought of available options is stark, and the fact they couldn’t even include save states or rewind options without being extremely frugal about it is audacious at the very least. To top it off, all six games - masquerading as seven - are garbage. Pure, utter garbage. Yes, even the ones you remember...Especially the ones you remember.

An incomplete, creatively bankrupt vacuum. If we’re so starved for nonviolent experiences that this is what we champion, the industry’s in worse shape than I thought.

Yooka-Laylee is a game out of time, clinging so desperately to past glories it doesn’t seem to understand the Earth kept spinning after the N64 was discontinued. It’s everything wrong about the formative years of 3D platforming and it somehow retained none of what made the genre’s highlights endure...Yooka-Laylee is, in a word, rubbish.

Star Fox Zero is just plain rotten. An otherwise run-of-the-mill space shooter that couldn’t be content with its own mediocrity and subsequently mutilated itself in a desperate attempt to stand out.

One thing I’m sure of is that Sega ought to be embarrassed for pouring so much hype, so much marketing money, into this project, only to have a sad, miserable little dog’s dinner of a product to show for it. I guess it doesn’t matter, though. It’s an idiotic baby’s game for children, and it exists to sell toys. It also thinks you’re all dumb, and it wears its contempt for you on its sleeve. A sleeve covered in bandages.

A shoddy product all the way through, Super Slam is a sneering grab for ad revenue and microtransactions that weakly trades on nostalgia and brings nothing else to the table. Unappealing on its own and doubly distasteful to anybody who actually knows what Pogs are, it’s safe to say this is not the big Pog comeback it pretends to be...I’d rather play with fucking Tazos, for God’s sake, and a diehard Pog expert like me should not be saying that.

Terribly balanced, broken in several ways, and barely able to support the online mode it’s pushing, Sker Ritual is a waste of time. If you like Maid of Sker you don’t need this poor follow-up, and if you like COD: Zombies you don’t need this poor facsimile. Nobody and nothing needs Sker Ritual’s bullshit, least of all Sker Ritual.

At best, it’s a curious relic from a bygone era of videogames in terms of both mechanics and attitude. At worst, it’s an ugly and boring game where the most interesting aspect is the prevalence an of inconsistent framerate despite looking like garbage. The worst part is, I have the horrible suspicion that Valhalla believes it made something really, really good. And that just makes me incredibly sad.

Vaccine is shit, but it does say its own name in a creepy deep voice when you start it, which is the single thing it has over Resident Evil 7.

I smiled when I first started playing this thing. I was directly controlling Unimarutchi, exploring the world with literally my favorite character, but my smile faded within seconds of realizing what Namco had dared to shovel in front of people and charge for. There’s nothing to explore, nothing to enjoy, just the grinding menial filth of a game that doesn’t give a f.ck.

Trap... that's actually the perfect word...So much about Scorn feels like a trap. It’s designed to cost you progress, to waste your time, and some might think this burdensome despair is some sort of brilliance on the part of the developers. To someone who values their finite time on Earth, it’s snide crap that shows contempt for its audience at every opportunity...I have nothing but contempt for it in turn.

I take no pleasure in admonishing this remaster. Sacred 2 occupies a small but precious space in my heart, and I’m shocked to see how disastrously this has turned out. There’s still fun to be salvaged from the wreckage, but I can’t ignore the fact that Sacred 2: Remaster qualifies as a defective product. I have so many questions about how this came out in the state it’s in, but one query stands above them all.

The Last Oricru is a masterpiece of bad design. When a game has to warn its players not to invest in half the available skill points because they’re worthless, you know you’ve got something special, and that’s what Oricru is - special. It’s so profoundly wrong it deserves to be studied, dissected, remembered for years. Its creators should tour universities and give talks about their artistic philosophies so future generations can learn how never to make a videogame. If you’d told me aliens had developed it, I’d struggle to argue, such is the incomprehensible absurdity on display...I am in awe of such a marvel.

Sonic Frontiers is broken beyond belief with mechanics that barely work and a camera so disastrous it’s literally sickening. The “Open Zones” are disjointed, unpopulated wastelands that do less than nothing to justify their depressing existence. An unpleasant mess, looking and feeling like a mishmash of disparate assets duct taped together, and that’s before we consider the damning amount of recycled content. It’s honestly embarrassing that any professional studio could have made something so cheap, so sad, and so thoroughly incompetent. Even by Sonic Team’s low standards, this is pathetic...Yep, that’s the word for it...Sonic Frontiers is fu..ing pathetic.

The dreadful studio that brought you Quantum Error has delivered a game very much in line with its library of shameless trash. It is legitimately sad that not enough people knew of its lineage before Code Violet benefited from a whole lot of ill-gotten hype.

Ugly and threadbare, both mechanically and aesthetically, Garten of Banban has spread its lumpy legs and given birth to one of the most cynically manufactured franchises of all time.

Puzzles are more tedious, scares are more pitiful, and for all its expanded gameplay, this sequel manages to be no better than the last.

Life of Black Tiger is a massive piece of f*cking shit. Also it has multiplayer.

The only worthwhile thing to say about TAKEN is that its name is quite meaningful indeed – it’s taken peoples’ money, and it’s done nothing to earn it...Oh, and the “scary” little girl looks shit.

I wish this game had a head so I could stamp on the back of it and push it mercilessly into a pile of sick and guts.

Simply put, Homefront: The Revolution is outclassed in its bracket by every other big-budget game released this generation. And that’s without getting into how shockingly shit the PC version is...This game made me feel unwell, it bored me to tears, and it irritated the piss out of me. Also, it has co-op.

Here They Lie smacks of cynicism – a game designed with the knowledge that horror works really well in VR, without anybody involved knowing how VR games should operate. It’s distinctly unpleasant to play, and I fear it’ll be only one of many horror games that pull the same stunt as virtual reality continues to hold sway.

It’s certainly nothing professional, and it absolutely does not deserve to be mentioned in the same breath as a real Dark Souls game. That anybody thought this monstrous garbage was a good way to promote an upcoming game speaks volumes about the disconnect from reality videogame executives suffer from.

Alone in the Dark: Illumination is ugly in every sense of the word, not just visually – though it is about as attractive as an anus in an eye socket. Hideous both inside and out, it’s the consummate fraud that hides behind a recognizable name to deliver interactive poison.

Something ugly to the point of actively affecting gameplay, something that requires multiple reloading of saves to fix glitched doors, something that crashes when given a chance and boasts a user interface that actively fights the player. That this saw a release and expects to sell for real human money is lunacy. Then again, that’s this game all over – sheer, unbelievable lunacy.

It’s disgusting on almost every level, and the fact Topware is selling it for $54.99 is unforgivable.

Cynical doesn’t even begin to describe such a poisonous display of IP leverage. There’s something actively nasty about the thing. It’s a reminder that creativity is not owned by the creators, it is imprisoned by the least creative among us, those of us who force others to dance but can't carry a tune.

This appalling paid-for tutorial is inexcusably lazy on top of being just plain inexcusable to begin with...The only thing Welcome Tour has welcomed us to a brand new breed of garbageware.