And to top it all off, Lockdown features Lifetime channel–style scenes that do their damnedest to to make you think of your squad mates as real pals instead of the "meat shields" they really are.

While the nutball MK mythos is annoying-click through those windy speeches by Raiden as quickly as possible-it's all good once disembodied heads are bouncing around like popcorn.

Here's a puck game that's actually worthy of old number 99. The Franchise mode is nice and deep, the Wayne Vs. Wayne Arcade mode is mad addictive and the on-ice action is super slick without ever being too over-the-top.

The large number of cut scenes seems a little distracting at first, but once you get used to them, they add a lot of depth to the game.

This sturdy racing game features solid racing mechanics and a decent sense of speed, but it's a little unapologetically corny at times.

The tackles in the game—some of which can literally send players flying into the bleachers—are the most vertebrae-jangling hits we've seen this side of a roller derby.

Getting the timing down on when to load up the front suspension for extra liftoff on jumps takes a few races, but it quickly becomes second nature. Unfortunately, the game isn't very realistic when it comes to rider collisions.

The stealth levels are the only other chink in the game's chain mail. Just when you finish turning arenas into butcher shops, who's in the mood for a little Metal Gear-style stealth? Answer: not us.

Worth buying, especially for the cartoon raunchiness. But don't let on that this is the only way you meet women.

Or you can simply hoard all the good weapons and med packs for yourself and watch your fellow players wither, die and come back to pseudo-life as flesh-eating zombies.

Your girlfriend will go batshit for this game. Even if she's always telling you how your games are "juvenile," and that she can't believe "she actually has sex on a regular basis with someone who owns a stupid PlayStation," she'll still love this disc to bits. Trust us.

We're especially fond of the Homecourt Advantage meter, which fills up during games; the closer the score, the louder the fans get and the harder your controller shakes, making it tougher for the visiting team to hit jumpers and free throws.

Playing the game is like watching an episode of "Oz" while a priest performs an exorcism on your liver. And if you like your gore served up hot and fresh, you've come to the right place.

What we really like about the game is that the unrelenting, merciless killing just feels right.

And while the computer AI plays like an in-bred Appalachian boy, the wrestling mechanics are on-point.

Hollywood creature designer Stan Winston lends his psychotic imagination to all of the monstrosities that pop up in the game. Instead of coming from obvious spawning points, creatures emerge from nearly any surface. The technique effectively adds dread to normally benign environments we haven't experienced since our days in the Boy Scouts.

Though it's a great title in the Zelda franchise, the action is hindered by all the extra equipment necessary to get the most out of it.

It'll make you all warm and nostalgic at first, but don't' be surprised if by your second hour of gameplay an unfortunate sense of "didn't I play this back in 1989?" sets in.

A pleasant surprise. Yes, we were still creeping through bombed-out aircraft hangars and taking over bunkers brimming with Nazis, but we were enjoying ourselves for the first time in ages.

The computer AI, just like your girlfriend, will sniff out your weaknesses and exploit the living crap out of them.

Worth buying, especially for the cartoon raunchiness. But don't let on that this is the only way you meet women.

Sadly, Fight Night has left out back-alley options like fixing fights, in-fight cannibalism or even a seemingly drunk Larry Merchant doddering about the ring during the post-fight interviews. There's always next year.

The game alternates between first- and third-person views, but it is all action, allowing you to fight riding the Cyclone in motorcycle form or wearing it as mecha battle armor. Either way, it's a way more bitchin' ride than your little Vespa.

Switch on those subtitles (the cockney accents make English sound like a bloody foreign language) or else you'll potentially miss out on some of the finest dialogue in a video game. Our favorite line: "She's had more pricks than a second-hand dartboard." Oi!

The graphics are fantastic, particularly in the later stages, when some of the epic battle scenes are rivaled only by what goes on in your local trailer park.

The line "Smokey, this is not 'Nam. This is bowling. There are rules" has never been so fully embodied by a video game.

While the hand-to-hand stuff won't win any awards, the deep selection of vehicles (from pickup trucks to high-tech battle tanks) and the frenetic pace of the game more than make up for it.

Fact is, it's good. If you dig the Aeon franchise, Charlize's long, lithe getaway sticks, or third-person action games, check it out.

Depending on how much time you spend searching each of the 11 single-player maps for hidden items, it should take you a couple of days.

But don't let anything touch you, no matter what, because this game brings back the Old Testament concept of one-hit deaths. Beneath the Saturday morning cartoon exterior of the Metal Slug games beats a cruel heart that you'll either love or hate.

The addictive, just-one-more-race feel works perfectly with our normal just-one-more-can-of-cheap-beer schedule.

Instead of going with a standard driver, we created a homicidal redneck with the Create-a-Driver option. Well, all we really did was rebuild Dale Jarrett with his old mustache. He just didn't look right without it.

The tackles in the game-some of which can literally send players flying into the bleachers-are the most vertebrae-jangling hits we've seen this side of a roller derby.

This game features the best hecklers of all time. When Boston's hirsute Johnny Damon steps to the plate, someone in the crowd shouts, "Cut your hair, you hippie!" Amen to that, brother!

If you think you might be an RPG fan, this is definitely one to grab.

The single-player campaign is a little too short and too linear, but we're guessing it's probably still about a hundred times more thrilling than anything you'll see in "Episode III" come this May.

The best side-scrolling action game for $30 this side of buying $30 worth of live crabs. That means buy it.

Sure, it's still basically a more sophisticated version of "Duck Hunt," but nothing helps us unwind quite like putting bullets through the heads of parachuting ninjas.

This game features the best hecklers of all time. When Boston's hirsute Johnny Damon steps to the plate, someone in the crowd shouts, "Cut your hair, you hippie!" Amen to that, brother!

A pleasant surprise. Yes, we were still creeping through bombed-out aircraft hangars and taking over bunkers brimming with Nazis, but we were enjoying ourselves for the first time in ages.

Hollywood creature designer Stan Winston lends his psychotic imagination to all of the monstrosities that pop up in the game. Instead of coming from obvious spawning points, creatures emerge from nearly any surface. The technique effectively adds dread to normally benign environments we haven’t experienced since our days in the Boy Scouts.

Getting the timing down on when to load up the front suspension for extra liftoff on jumps takes a few races, but it quickly becomes second nature. Unfortunately, the game isn’t very realistic when it comes to rider collisions.

Fact is, it's good. If you dig the Aeon franchise, Charlize's long, lithe getaway sticks, or third-person action games, check it out.

The kids who take the short bus to school will learn to drive stick faster than you'll learn to gain even a rudimentary level of control over the Vertical Tank.

The line "Smokey, this is not 'Nam. This is bowling. There are rules" has never been so fully embodied by a video game.

While the hand-to-hand stuff won't win any awards, the deep selection of vehicles (from pickup trucks to high-tech battle tanks) and the frenetic pace of the game more than make up for it.

The biggest difference is the ability to manage your wingmen. Coincidentally, the game uses the same wingman commands we use when it's Ladies' Night at our favorite rum bar: attack, cover and disperse.

Online support for PS2 and Xbox plus multiple race modes will keep you on the track for days.

After about 15 minutes of gameplay, our thumbs felt like Robert DeNiro in "Casino" had worked them over in the backroom with a hammer.

We're especially fond of the Homecourt Advantage meter, which fills up during games; the closer the score, the louder the fans get and the harder your controller shakes, making it tougher for the visiting team to hit jumpers and free throws.

While it's fun to watch the dwarf hacking away with his ax, the death spells cast by the necromancer make for far more enjoyable viewing.

Sadly, Fight Night has left out back-alley options like fixing fights, in-fight cannibalism or even a seemingly drunk Larry Merchant doddering about the ring during the post-fight interviews. There’s always next year.

While the hand-to-hand stuff won't win any awards, the deep selection of vehicles (from pickup trucks to high-tech battle tanks) and the frenetic pace of the game more than make up for it.

Buy. But be warned that if you're not already a Star Wars Galaxies player, it will be a long time before you're able to afford a decent ship.

The game is all about firepower. Rescuing tied-up hostages will get you power-up weapons like flamethrowers, heavy machine guns and a ground-hugging Iron Lizard missile.

Worth buying, especially for the cartoon raunchiness. But don't let on that this is the only way you meet women.

The computer AI, just like your girlfriend, will sniff out your weaknesses and exploit the living crap out of them.

The game alternates between first- and third-person views, but it is all action, allowing you to fight riding the Cyclone in motorcycle form or wearing it as mecha battle armor. Either way, it's a way more bitchin' ride than your little Vespa.

While it’s fun to watch the dwarf hacking away with his ax, the death spells cast by the necromancer make for far more enjoyable viewing.

The line "Smokey, this is not 'Nam. This is bowling. There are rules" has never been so fully embodied by a video game.

The only problem is that unlocking each of the available spacecrafts is sort of like ripping off your big toenails with a pair of pliers. Well within the realm of possibility, but in the end, it just doesn’t make much sense.

Peppering enemy ships with lasers and smart bombs while navigating trench runs is white-knuckle fun.

Bonus points: "My Sharona," the greatest freakin' song of all time, is one of 30 tracks in the game. Oh, my little pretty one!

If you want to make the most of the game, you’ll have to walk through the entire qualification process. Since it’s governed by actual military rules, you’re looking at a good couple of days from boot camp to field operations.

The plot doesn't make a lick of sense, but once you start knocking demons around the way Barry Bonds hits fastballs, trust us, you won't mind one bit.

We love it for the über-violent finishing moves and optional online action and hate it for the "instant death traps" we get stuck in on nearly every level. If only we were less clumsy!

The fighting engine is the tightest in the business.

A pleasant surprise. Yes, we were still creeping through bombed-out aircraft hangars and taking over bunkers brimming with Nazis, but we were enjoying ourselves for the first time in ages.

Playing the game is like watching an episode of "Oz" while a priest performs an exorcism on your liver. And if you like your gore served up hot and fresh, you've come to the right place.

We love it for the über-violent finishing moves and optional online action and hate it for the "instant death traps" we get stuck in on nearly every level. If only we were less clumsy!

Even though the cartoony graphics are like classic arcade games, the controls remain remarkably sharp.

It'll make you all warm and nostalgic at first, but don't' be surprised if by your second hour of gameplay an unfortunate sense of "didn't I play this back in 1989?" sets in.

The Mario faithful will no doubt rejoice, since it's easily the best of the launch titles. But if you're not a Mario lover, you may want to hold out a few more weeks for something better.

Progressive Scan support makes the graphics pop off the screens of compatible TVs.

Playing the game is like watching an episode of "Oz" while a priest performs an exorcism on your liver. And if you like your gore served up hot and fresh, you've come to the right place.

The upgrades seem to number in the hundreds and require you to navigate multitudes of menus. Whether you look at this as challenging or soul-crushing should give you an idea of whether you should buy the game.

If there's any current genre in need of a Fight Night–style makeover, it's THQ's rasslin' line. In the words of the Undertaker: R.I.P., grappling games...at least for a little while. If you must, then rent.

Besides the normal cat-like abilities, you can also initiate a feral, berserker mode that ups the damage of your attacks. Catwoman's whip allows you to destroy objects and lash your prey with an effortless grace that would make a Bangkok dominatrix burn with jealousy.

The first game in a proposed space opera trilogy, in theory, wants to be the video game equivalent of "Star Wars," but in practice turns out to be more "Battlestar Galactica." As soon as we took control of space ace Gideon Wyeth, we smelled a bit of intergalactic cheese, here.

Basically a hybrid FPS, Killer App combines straight-up shooting with some of the classic Tron universe vehicles like the light cycles.

The creators seem to have focused more on blending cinematic elements and story arc than on controls and action. Still, it's a solid all-around title that pushes games in a different direction and serves as a vivid reminder that living in America is way better than living in Chechnya.

It's not as pretty as "Dead Or Alive Ultimate," or as technical as "Virtua Fighter 4," but this certainly has its own unique charm.

Despite PS1-era graphics and stubborn controls, we found ourselves spending many blissful hours kicking some Roman ass.

Catwoman's whip allows you to destroy objects and lash your prey with an effortless grace that would make a Bangkok dominatrix burn with jealousy.

It's pretty short-six to eight hours, tops. The Xbox version is the way to go, since the load times between "rooms" are a fraction of what they are on the PS2.

While single-player is a mix of the funny and the frustrating, multiplayer, provides its fair share of silly-ass thrills.

There are no ogres to impale, no weapons (unless a fishing pole counts as a weapon), no panty-flashing fights between Amazons. Like your stoner brother, the game is a little too laid back for its own good, doesn't have any goals, and it farts like muffler-less Buick whenever it eats peanuts.

Catwoman's whip allows you to destroy objects and lash your prey with an effortless grace that would make a Bangkok dominatrix burn with jealousy.

The tempo of the battle sometimes swings according to the level of each army's morale. Chip away at your enemy's self-esteem by ramming three feet of steel through their guts. Then tell your own troops to buck up. Try complimenting them on their weight loss.

It's pretty short—six to eight hours, tops. The Xbox version is the way to go, since the load times between "rooms" are a fraction of what they are on the PS2.

This edition costs only $30, but you essentially get one game, with a lot of variants, for the money. If you want to go retro, you should pick up "Midway Arcade Treasures" for more 2-D bang for less buck.

Sporting bigger loads than John Holmes (almost all of EA's PSP titles are plagued with long load times), this miniature version of the MVP franchise seems to be trying a little too hard to look good.

Keep an ice bag handy, because you'll press the square and triangle buttons billions of times before this one goes back on the shelf. The final boss: Carpal Tunnel!

Using the various bio-augmentations is a hoot (one makes you invulnerable, another slows down time, etc.) Unfortunately, the developers were damn stingy with the save points, which means you'll be replaying some levels more times than you'd like.

But, much like riding an elevator with a bunch of retards, the game Seven Samurai is a button-mashing frenzy.

The developers have managed to squeeze some extra mileage out of the tired "extreme sports" format with a solid racing engine and a trick/combo that will have you linking more tricks together than a prostitute at Charlie Sheen's Playa's Ball.

The action is solid—we actually enjoyed the old-school game play—but the sprawling level design cramped our fun. If you miss one of the hostages (and you will), plan on spending about 10 minutes backtracking. Ah, good times.

While some of the mini-games are curiously compelling—one had us actually blowing into the NDS microphone to snuff out a series of marching candles that were about to set a group of people on fire—there's no reason to ever play it again once the LSD wears off.