After the novelty wears off, it becomes an exercise in tedium broken only by crashes to the desktop. [Jan 2004, p.122]

Anyone who's made it through puberty will likely be embarrassed by the game's lame toilet humor. [Jan 2003, p.127]

Oh yeah, Terminator 3: War of the Machines also has vehicles! Too bad they suck. [Apr 2004, p.84]

About the only thing the inept MMIX does well is confirming its irrelevance. The game is damned boring. [August 2002, p.70]

With a total of four hours of gameplay (eight if you count the times technical failings made me repeat the first half), you don't get much for your money. [Oct 2002, p.110]

The worst implementation of multiplayer gaming in recent memory... An utter debacle. [Feb 2003, p.91]

Nice graphics and a good physics model can't hide the inflexible playability of a game that could have been a real treat to play. [Mar 2003, p.107]

This putatively naughty game should come with fetish clothing options, dungeon equipment, and the option to call up a friend or five to join our hero and heroine in their erotic adventures, but it doesn't. It's sterilie, soulless, and ultimately a tease that doesn't come close to delivering. What a gyp. [Sept 2004, p.73]

Even a screensaver of Richard’s flabby ass crack is preferable to this. [Mar 2002, p.88]

Simply the most incompetently crafted shooter in living memory. [Mar 2003, p.98]

This game is so not fun, it almost put me into a coma. [May 2002, p.86]

Besides a game-killing lack of a chat function, Diplomacy's negotiation interface makes it impossible to propose long-term deals, except for the all-encompassing "permanent alliance."

If the mind-numbing battles and drab scenery haven’t already turned you off, don’t worry—there’s still the annoying interface to send you over the edge. [Jan 2002, p.113]

A disjointed assortment of poorly produced five-second clips and no nudity. [August 2002, p.77]

The only good thing about The Partners was that myriad technical flaws prevented me from having to suffer through completing the game...I have never been so happy for programming incompetence in my life. [Sept 2002, p.93]

The dearth of vital economic information, lack of a true economy, and repetitiveness make this a tedious exercise at best. [Oct 2003, p.119]

A by-the-numbers blast-a-thon. [Feb 2006, p.71]

As a game, Planet of the Apes fails utterly. As a skeet target, it succeeds in spades. Someone shout, "Pull!" [May 2002, p.84]

A lobotomized first-person shooter. Invisible walls and glass ceilings abound throughout the briny deep, ensnaring players in a boring series of follow-the-leader and circle-strafing style stages. [Dec 2003, p.144]

This game is lazy and derivative - and it's your fault. [Holiday 2004, p.104]

A clumsy, series-ending combo of real-time and strategy...You must kind of hang out and gawk at numbers and icons. [July 2004, p.72]

A triple-Advil-migraine-inducing trip to the very bowels of hell. [August 2002, p.77]

Save your money by just throwing beer cans at the television. [Feb 2004, p.77]

The gamplay in this game about serial murders is even more horrific than its story line. [Feb 2004, p.87]

Witless, repetitive, and utterly devoid of interesting strategy elements. [Dec 2003, p.142]

I've kept every game that I've ever reviewed for CGW. Space Horse is going into the trash. [Dec 2002, p.135]

Although the vocally overdubbed actors try to give decent performances, Conspiracies' overall quality is so much like a B movie that you'll be surprised no killer tomatoes ever attack - and you just might be praying that they do. [May 2004, p.83]

No check or save points, no sense of where people are when they radio for help, splash damage that kills from up to 50 meters away, no multiplayer whatsoever--need to hear more? Stay away. Stay very far away. [Mar 2006, p.86]