Susan Wloszczyna

This senior-class Cabaret is just a TV after-school special with a better soundtrack. [05 Mar 1993]

An Innocent Man is no White Heat, and Selleck is no James Cagney. But this kind of fast-paced entertainment is almost top of the world, ma. [06 Oct 1989, p.5D]

It doesn't take a world-class navigator to figure out that any movie with Martin Short in the straight role and Kurt Russell in the funny role is already way off course. Captain Ron is about as amusing as an anchor dropped on your foot. [21 Sep 1992, p.5D]

Disappointingly limp. [16 Oct 1992, p.7D]

In this second round of so-so kung-foolery, three brothers once again strain credibility and make sushi out of new foes. [06 May 1994, p.5D]

Proudly stupid, silly and gory.

The best parts of this tepid thriller, which seems designed to actually lower audience’s heart rates, arrive before the plot kicks in.

Freddy's Dead is fan fare, with little to offer those who aren't already Freddy freaks. [16 Sept 1991, p.5D]

Those who go to see “Dead Men Don’t Tell Tales” might just recognize that hollow feeling as they leave the theater.

I kept thinking one thing during most of Don Verdean: What would Christopher Guest do with his company of ace ad-libbers with such material? And the answer suddenly came to me — probably toss it in the trash and start all over again.

Planes modestly succeeds. Very modestly.

The transition from Hanna-Barbera animation to manic-barbaric live action falls flatter than a granite slab, from the first of many deadly stone-age wordplays - "Steven Spielrock Presents" - to the gross-out shots of dirty tootsies. [27 May 1994 Pg. 01.D]

Director/co-writer/co-producer Nora Ephron is best known for the magical Sleepless in Seattle. Michael is mirthless in the Midwest. [24 Dec 1996 Pg.03.D]

Besides displaying a tin ear for dialogue, King stoops to such conventions as having the sleepwalkers vulnerable to just one thing - cat scratches. [13 Apr 1992, p.6D]

Writer/producer John "Home Alone" Hughes, the Marquis de Sade of kidcom, and director Les Mayfield manage to squeeze the very bounce out of what should have been a can't-miss update. [26Nov1997 Pg09.D]

This layered melodrama strains for emotional impact with only occasional success while eventually blurring into an overlong and contrived parlor trick.

E. Max Frye wrote the script for the offbeat Something Wild. Now he's directed and written something stupid. [05 Mar 1993, p.5D]

For all its faults, Justice is never boring. But it's such a battering experience, you may find yourself checking your own body for bruises before leaving the theater. [16 Apr 1991, p.6D]

As late Christmas presents go, Reindeer Games is best left unwrapped.

While the rubber-limbed Carrey may not yet be in the hyper-manic league of Jerry Lewis or Robin Williams, his psychotic energy goes a long way to make this plot-anemic comedy palatable. [04Feb1994 Pg. 07.D]

The film desperately tries to be wild and out of control, but it ends up as more of a slapdash portrait of cartoony desperation than any sort of realistic depiction of millennial angst when it comes to current-day female lifestyle choices.

A comedy with no laughs. A drama disconnected from any known reality. It’s tempting to diagnose Are You Here with schizophrenic genre disorder.

Those who feel a kinship to this brand of corn, dig in. The rest should head for the hills. [15 Oct 1993, p.5D]

And though young Miko Hughes does a fine job as the traumatized Simon, this ain't no "Rainboy". [3 Apr 1998, p.SE]

Flippantly hip without any solid laughs, Life strains to be the flick more offbeat. [24Oct1997 pg06.D]

Too bad that the makers of The Nut Job eagerly purloined Scrat's primal motivation—food—but failed to note the charm of his minimalist approach.

At least the original never stooped to overly graphic violence. This time, the filmmakers drench the toy-factory finale with gore galore. [09 Nov 1990, p.4D]

Another one of those high-gloss treatments of domestic strife that want to have it both ways. Sitcom-slick, melodrama-edgy.

If the sight of half-naked, tattooed sailors firing cannons at each other shivers your timbers, climb aboard. Even passable pirate movies don't sail by every day. [22 Dec 1995, p.3D]

Washed away by drippy plot. [16 January 1998, p. 4D]

Like fellow SCTV alumnus John Candy, Short has been shortchanged by the big screen. If anyone deserves a change of Luck, he does. [09 Aug 1991, p.5D]

To begin with, the very premise feels off. Peter Pan isn’t a superhero and doesn’t really need an origin story, especially one that opens at a London orphanage for boys during the Blitz and borrows heavily from the “Oliver Twist” handbook.

At the very least, the makers of That Awkward Moment should get credit for savvy casting.

One doesn’t need perfect vision to quickly surmise that this sudsy affair among Manhattan swells is a glorified Hallmark Channel melodrama.

Let’s look on the bright side. The running time is barely 90 minutes. And there are but three fairly amusing characters who save this inferior attempt at family entertainment, at least for me.

Still, there is more pleasure to be had in the dwindling returns of CMT's “Nashville” than in this country soap-opera.

Still, I laughed — enough to feel mortified at myself.

Even our bony host the Crypt Keeper, who never met a pun he didn't like, might declare Bordello just plain whore-ible. [16 Aug 1996, p.4D]

But even fans of the original directed by scare-fare king David Cronenberg won't get much of a buzz from this Son of the Fly sequel. It seems that wit and originality are traits that skip a generation. [13 Feb 1989, p.4D]

Mirren is about the only reason this slow-moving revenge tale tingles at all.

Although about as authentic as Chef Boy-Ar-Dee, Martin at least gets to dress funny. Joan Cusack's D.A. looks dowdy and is misused. Carol Kane's grocery-store siren looks slutty and is underused. And as a cop, Melanie Mayron should slap cuffs on her hairdresser. [20 Aug 1990, p.4D]

This guy defines loner. He's on the outs with his father and kid brother, and the Koreans treat him like he's the Vanilla Ice of karate. Generation gap. Cultural gap. Logic gap. Weapon has more gaps than a cut-rate set of dentures. [19 Mar 1991, p.8D]

Pet Sematary Two is the cinematic equivalent of roadkill. Disgusting to look at and a bloody awful mess. [31 Aug 1992, p.4D]

All in all, Very Good Girls is a very bad excuse to subject those of us who have enjoyed Fanning ever since 2001’s "I Am Sam" to seeing her flash her bare fanny, fondle herself provocatively and cavort in her underwear for no dramatic purpose. Yes, she should be allowed to grow up onscreen. But without a story that justifies it, it just feels sad and desperate.

Happily, MacLaine (who can pull off these lovable eccentric dowagers while she's sleeping) and Fraser, showcasing a previously untapped flair for romantic comedy, keep Lake on her toes. [19 Apr 1996, p.1D]

It's a pretty good ride even if it blatantly steals some of its best stunts from "American Graffiti" and "Grease."

Rather than presenting something akin to the heady youthful cravings of Leonardo DiCaprio and Claire Danes as contemporary versions of Romeo and Juliet, the equally tragic Marguerite & Julien often feels more like a version of Richie and Margot in Wes Anderson’s “The Royal Tenenbaums” crossed with the pre-teen runaways from “Moonrise Kingdom,” but minus the humor and insight.

All the Drano in the world couldn't fix what's clogging the works in Super Mario Bros. [1 June 1993, p.6D]

Eugene Levy should be stopped before he directs again. [9 March 1992, p.4D]

Nothing like a trashy, all-hell-breaks-loose onslaught of blood, bullets and babes that borrows inspiration from a recycling bin stuffed with leftovers from ‘60s grindhouse films, Japanese horror, “Kill Bill,” “Saw” and splatter-fest videogames to cleanse one’s visual palate of those highbrow Oscar contenders.

While the film comes to a mildly clever conclusion, it feels like a bottle of vintage champagne that never gets to pop its cork at midnight. All that fizz potential wasted. [26 Feb 1999]

Though 102 Dalmatians digs up little new ground and muzzles its villain, it does have a fetching sense of functional fun now and then.

If they were going to make a movie with Phillips about a dead guy who comes back to life, why didn't they just make La Bamba II? [05 Apr 1990, p.6D]

This would-be tribute to youthful anarchy fails the junior-high acid test: Will my parents hate it? Dead is too dead on arrival to inspire much emotion either way. [07 June 1991, p.5D]

Although delayed several months for fine-tuning, Freejack hijacks any potential cult status with drab visuals and a lousy score. Even Jagger fans aren't going to get much satisfaction out of that. [20 Jan 1992, p.4D]

You can always judge a sci-fi thriller by its aliens. What does Planet offer -- Space roaches.

Deeply crude as an overused latrine and defiantly non-P.C., the best you can say about the aptly titled Major Payne is that it's somewhat more tolerable than star Damon Wayans' last fumbled effort, the also well-named Blankman. [24 March 1995, p.8D]

While it doesn't exactly reek like week-old refuse, there's a certain stale odor about Men at Work - like a Saturday Night Live skit that goes on too long. And any film whose soundtrack is divided between reggae and classical definitely has identity problems. [27 Aug 1990]

Unless you have a craving to watch a sluggish Ski-Doo race or want to admire Chase dressed as a hula dancer, consider this the cinematic equivalent of yellow snow.

Don’t be distracted by the eye-pleasing purple and lavender hues that have been added to the typically chilly color palette. This plot is as disjointed as it sounds.

If only the story that surrounds this watchable heroine were as well-stacked.

The Glimmer Man is strictly a bummer, man. [07 Oct 1996, p.3D]

As tedious as much of this sounds, an odd thing happened around “Allegiant’s” midway point. The fairly packed audience started vocally reacting “Rocky Horror”-style to some of the more overtly melodramatic turns with “oohs," “ahhs” and even laughter.

Unlike glossier renderings of twentysomething love, Eric Schaeffer's If Lucy Fell at least elicits the heartfelt goodwill of a messy homemade valentine. [8 March 1996]

A substandard ebony-and-ivory buddy pic.

As a director, Seagal isn't much on transition scenes. That would cut into the time devoted to knives slicing through heads. [21 Feb 1994, p.4D]

Pytka may know how to push fizzy water, but he certainly can't make a punch line sparkle. [21 Aug 1989]

Under the guise of delivering one of the most overworked of messages - adults are dolts, kids rule - North fails such basics as a compelling story, fleshed-out characters and a brisk, bright pace. [22 Jul 1994, p.5D]

This is about Meg. Only about Meg. Meg in the Middle.

There's something about a plus-size floral housedress that brings out the best in many male comics, and Lawrence is no exception.

The only possible reasons to do this concept again is sheer laziness (it's easier to borrow an idea) and pure greed (it's cheaper to borrow an idea). [2 April 1999, Life, p.6E]

While Basinger admirably invests her role with deep passion and looks splendid in her Kenya khakis, the true story she stars in is disappointingly tame and dramatically inert.

The two-hour-plus “Ride,” No. 10 in the series, at least offers a few intriguing new variations on the usual Sparks formula of pretty bland people falling in love against a backdrop of verdantly green landscapes most often located in coastal North Carolina.

Fatally dreadful. This umpteenth parody flick of the year moves sooooooo slowly, it may be the first movie candidate for a pacemaker. The Naked Guns and the Hot Shots may not be Noel Coward cocktail parties. But those films toss out so many joke grenades, a few are bound to set off laughs. Not director Carl Reiner's latest. He takes the same five gags and grinds them into the ground like old cigarettes. Or allows each bit to drag on and on like the toilet paper that keeps sticking to femme fatale Sean Young's killer pumps. [29 Oct 1993, p.4D]

Face it. Parody comedies are no longer a laughing matter. [25 October 1996, p.5D]

One of the loudest laughs arrives when we get to enjoy a scowling James re-imagined as a game character. Points for greater diversity in the cast as well, but, if there is a second sequel in the offing, please allow the women to be more than the sum of their body parts.

The story ends up being one wrong turn after another. A GPS hasn’t been invented that could get this plot-hole-riddled script back on track.

A blah romantic comedy that has the bad taste to force the heavenly Ashley Judd into being an insecure, date-desperate, quirky career gal.

Mannequin Two desperately wants to be magical. But the spell it casts is one of idiocy. [21 May 1991, p.4D]

More important than the washed-out blue-tinged rooms, bleached white interiors and sun-blasted sea and sand is Cruz, who single-handedly breathes a sense of genuineness into this maudlin exercise even if she can’t cure all of its flaws.

A glossy wisp of a cautionary tale.

Far from redundant. That's because (Kirk) Wong deftly balances the outrageous stunts. [24 April 1998, p. 6E]

Let the killjoys squawk. Lucas has proved he has the Naboos to pull it off again. And again. And again.

The conclusion is a sweet bit of frosting on an otherwise unremarkable confection.

Trapped in Paradise is the kind of dreadful holiday mush that often is declared Capra-esque. But if It's a Wonderful Life's George Bailey were forced to watch it, he might reconsider suicide. [02 Dec 1994, p.4D]

The more curdled-than-cuddly holiday film already had offended this former copy editor even before I entered the theater. Its crime? The lack of punctuation in its name.

Suddenly, The Book of Henry turns into a not very believable thriller, complete with a ticking clock and a talent show.

Even with nifty giant bird Nimbly, flying dog-dragon Falkor and Tonto-like sidekick Atreyu along for the ride, Bastian seems to meander more than tumble into fun- filled adventures. For all its echoes of Oz, Fantasia is not much of a merry old land. [11 Feb 1991, p.4D]

A pathetically dumb attempt to string a bunch of second-rate skits together like a garland of rotten cranberries.

There's probably a fall-out-of-your-seat, laugh-your-head-off comedy to be made about house guests. Meanwhile, the maddeningly mediocre Madhouse will have to do. [16 Feb 1990, p.4D]

The Wal-Mart of cinematic soap operas. One-stop shopping for your emotional movie needs.

What is harder to achieve than building a hospital? Producing a realistic movie about coping with grief by helping others – at least for the filmmakers behind Louder Than Words.

Instead of focusing on gastronomic nirvana, this listless culinary drama feels and looks more like a glossy European travel commercial.

In the end, it is up to Leem Lubany, a beauty who hails from Palestine and made her debut in the 2013 Oscar-nominated foreign language film "Omar," to lend a much-needed grace note as Salima.

As a moviegoer, however, you do have a choice. Either weep with them–or laugh at them. Or stay far, far away.

Consider The Other Sister emotional quicksand. [26 February 1999, Life, p.5E]

While Scream has its frights, it feels more like one of those solve-the-mystery jigsaw puzzles than a real movie.

No one put in any creative overtime on this Shift, the 16th Stephen King story made into a film. About as clever as it gets is calling the mill owner Bachman - King's pseudonym. [29 Oct 1990, p.4D]

Allison Janney is tacky incarnate as Barkin's good-time gal pal. When she shows up, Drop Dead Gorgeous comes most to life. [23 July 1999, Life, p.12E]

November is when we eat turkey, and Sweet November is pretty much a fat, juicy gobbler passed off as Valentine's Day date bait.

Now and again, the bizarre occurs, such as when Fred and Barney don showgirl outfits and seem to be doing their version of "The Birdcage." But mundane is more the norm.

Not even scaremeister director Wes Craven can awaken this story. Murphy's pale efforts are enough to make one fondly recall Blacula. Now that was one sucker who knew how to make a film that didn't. [27 Oct 1995, p.4D]

As shallow as a shot glass.

Chuck rhymes with bucks - the only possible reason to revive this poor excuse for a horror villain in Child's Play 3. [03 Sep 1991, p.5D]

The premise was a yummy one in the Mexican hit "Like Water for Chocolate," but it's best to pack Tums in case of heartburn this time around. [5 February 1999, Life, p.11E]

But Problem Child's biggest problem is its young star, 8-year-old Michael Oliver. You tend to take such natural child actors as Dick Tracy's Charlie Korsmo for granted until one comes along who should be delivering newspapers instead of movie lines. [30 July 1990]

Perhaps Look Who's Leaking Now would be more apropos: Dirty diapers are replaced by pooch puddles in this second sequel. [5 Nov 1993, p.4D]

But what might seem innocent enough on the written page is often downright silly if insulting on the big screen.

Until it coughs up a ridiculously convoluted explanation of why an isolated town in Colorado suddenly goes deader than a weekday matinee of "The Postman," Phantoms delivers the shivers.

A weak whinny of a horse opera tailor-made for those who can't quite locate "Young Guns" or "The Long Riders" in their video store.

The bad-taste murder farce is just an excuse for a bunch of actors to go slumming and ride about in - ha, ha - Yugos.

This is one of those movies that parents will have to ask themselves if they love their child enough to sit through it. At least "The Nut Job" is off the hook as the worst indie-made animated feature of the year.

Funny how Madonna borrows Everett, Julia Roberts' gay pal from "My Best Friend's Wedding," and Bratt, Roberts' real-life beau, to be her co-stars. If only she could borrow her talent.

Who knew such a seamy swim in the misogynistic swill of life could be so entertaining?

As buddy pics go, this is pretty much not even worth a single look, let alone a double take.

When it comes to being brainless, The Skulls is at the head of the class.

It fails to provide the sorts of human inter-connections and deep revelations for which director Mitch Davis seems to be striving.

Someone should have treated See Spot Run like a bone and buried it.

Pure wish-fulfillment for Shaq-watchers who can't get enough of their 7-foot-1 basketball hero. [17 July 1996, p. 9D]

Ultimately the title is most revealing. It's hollow, man.

Before you go off to see The Wizard with your own video whiz kid, consider visiting an arcade instead. Your entertainment dollar would be much better spent on Double Dragon. [15 Dec 1989, p.6D]

I don’t think I've witnessed a film this year that managed to so completely and utterly collapse into crass garbage in its last few minutes while abusing what little good will it has.

Here's ringside entertainment for those who think TV wrestling is too intellectual and restrained.

Not just stupid, but brain dead.

While Lutz might possess the beefcake to fill out his chest armor, he lacks the acting chops to make us much care about the fate of his gleaming hero who looks as if he just stepped out of a Beverly Hills salon.

There is one thing about Barefoot that makes it at least a guilty pleasure. Once you ignore how improbable Daisy is — there is something oddly captivating about Wood's performance.

Rarely do I find a movie that is so appalling if not outright insulting to all of humanity (and particularly, in this case, womankind) that it gives me a stomach ache.

As a condescening moron who natters on non-stop in this simplistic comedy, Elliott doesn't just wear out his welcome, he nukes it. [14 Jan 1994]

It's so-so. As in mediocre. Even gross-out comedies need the stink of genius.

My most basic litmus test for whether a comedy is working is whether it makes me laugh. I groaned, maybe, but no chuckles emanated from me or from my lone fellow patron.

Given Russell’s involvement and a fairly solid cast that includes Jake Gyllenhaal and Catherine Keener, just how awful could it be? Really awful. Unwatchably awful. As in, “Give it the Razzie now and be done with it” awful.

Crave, a creepy and deliberately paced thriller that is effective in its unpleasantness.

The distractions are more satisfying than the romantic main course. [23 April 1999, Life, p.8E]

t's far too soon for an actress as vital as Jessica Lange to stoop to Bette Davis-Joan Crawford horror-hag histrionics. [6 Mar 1998, pg.04D]

The best acting in Mr. Magoo actually comes courtesy of his resourceful bulldog, Angus. As pooches go, he has a better pedigree than this dog of a flick. [23 Dec 1997, p.3D]

It ends up choking on a never-ending stream of inept gags... A worst-case scenario of wackiness gone out of whack. [24 May 1991]

A cheesy crock of religious mumbo jumbo.

It's a dated effort.

Except there are all these dumb pranks even a third-grade schoolboy would be too embarrassed to commit - putting glue on chairs, making silly faces and stupid noises, setting off fireworks at the precinct house. [13 March 1989, p.5D]

Sandler mugs through a back-to-school daze. [13 February 1995, p.D1]

After gagging on this second helping, all we can say is, Bernie, rest in peace already. [12 July 1993, p.4D]

Can't scare up a decent plot.

Not since Andy Kaufman's reign of terror has a supposed funnyman been so self-indulgently persistent in testing a fan's patience.

What Aykroyd concocts here is about as appetizing as that fish shake he made on Saturday Night Live. Meet Hollywood's first Bass-o-matic filmmaker. [18 Feb 1991, p.2D]