Susan Wloszczyna

Dr. Dolittle does do a lot of stuff right. [ 26 June 1998, p. 12 E]

The best romantic comedies intoxicate like vintage champagne. Picture Perfect, on the other hand, is like a wine spritzer. Insubstantial and oversweet, it still refreshes as a midsummer brain cooler. [1 August 1997, p. 3D]

Instead of hip, though, Tank Girl is prefab and purified, a calculated cult attraction. It's Danger by Mattel, and Petty, in her ripped stockings and torpedo bra, is a cyber-Barbie. This is one chick flick that at least has bite. Too bad its teeth are false. [3 Apr 1995, p.4D]

A gentler adjunct to the dumb-buddy craze that's mostly inoffensive, save for a gratuitous bong-smoking scene. [31 Mar 1995, p.4D]

This warm-weather variation on the original, once again set in a small Minnesota town, is in dire need of Geritol. Or a dose of ginseng. Or Ex-Lax. Anything to get things moving faster than this turgid replay. [22 Dec 1995, p.3D]

Imagine what would happen if Andy of Mayberry transferred to New Mexico, adopted Barney Fife's delusions of trigger-happy grandeur and went undercover for the federal government. That's the gist of White Sands, an intriguing but muddled game of cross and double-cross...For the first 10 minutes or so, this thriller directed by Roger Donaldson (No Way Out) is a knockout. [24 Apr 1992, p.4D]

In the annals of sexually-charged event cinema, Fifty Shades of Grey barely lights a candle let alone combusts with unbridled forbidden passion.

Douglas prances and chants with crimson-haired tribesmen who look like they were styled by Dennis Rodman. He talks a good game. (Why does he kill? "Because I've got a gift.") But he is trapped by the same undernourished script as the rest of the cast. Secondary characters are fleshed out so little, they should simply wear labels that say "kitty snacks." [11 Oct 1996]

Sure, take the young'uns. But don't be surprised if movie time turns into nap time. [6 July 1990]

Clumsier hands could have planted this load of pungent sap and come up with sticky fingers. But the creators of this based-on-truth fable carefully cultivate the material so it comes off fresher than it sounds.

Rascals is as painful as a grade-school play without your kid in it. The end-credit outtakes at least indicate Spheeris suffered through it as well. [05 Aug 1994, p.4D]

Like a lava lamp turned on high, Joe Versus the Volcano glows with originality. Go bask in it. [9 Mar 1990, p.4D]

The ending stinks.

Despite Murphy's campaigning, Gentleman deserves a veto. [04 Dec 1992]

Parents may be pleased, children will cheer. But it's too bad the movie turtles have had to sacrifice their snap, victims of a box-office shell game. [22 Mar 1991, p.4D]

Although a surprising number of plot machinations from the original film remain fully intact, usually accounting for anything that seems remotely clever, what is missing is the type of hold-your-breath tension provided by good thrillers.

Except for a brief episode in which singer Chris Isaak and Kiefer Sutherland make like an FBI Rocky and Bullwinkle, this is a morbidly joyless affair. You'll feel as drained as one of Cooper's mugs of joe watching homecoming queen Laura drown in a whirlpool of sex and drugs. [31 Aug 1992]

But once the updated story - now about an unwed mom who sacrifices all for her child rather than a divorcee who married above her class - starts clinging to the original's plot machinations, Stella turns into one helluva maudlin mess. [2 Feb 1990, p.4D]

This boomer-coddling comic fantasy, in which a callous adult on the brink of 40 has a chance encounter with his pudgy, lisping 8-year-old self, is an iffier what-if.

At least Necessary Roughness strays from the usual game plan, but it ends up strictly Bush league. [27 Sept 1991, p.2D]

This is a noisy, sadistic and just plain dull rendering of a too-often-told tale about a mysterious drifter who rides into a lawless outpost and pits rival gangs against each other. The plot, based on Akira Kurosawa's samurai classic Yojimbo, isn't so much dusted off by writer/director Walter Hill (Wild Bill) as propped up. [20 Sep 1996]

If this all sounds rather dull, that is because it is.

Making matters worse is the number of clips from old scary movies that pop up, including quintessential Dracula turns by Bela Lugosi and Christopher Lee. They only serve to mock Landis' pale efforts. One thing's for sure - Innocent Blood won't become immortal. [25 Sept 1992, p.5D]

But those looking for enlightenment on this boring road trip better bring along a flashlight. The sex change merely allows Erika Eleniak, who won more respect from her critters as Elly May in The Beverly Hillbillies than she does from the male animals here, to doff her duds as often as she tries to escape. Running tampon gags are never a good sign. [26 Apr 1994, p.8D]

Warm, squishy and manipulative, like being slobbered on by a mongrel pup that's begging for more Snausages.[03 Jun 1994]

This movie-within-a-movie action-comedy spoof is a too long, too loud tease as it toys with the Schwarzen-dude's well-toned cinematic image. [18 Jun 1993, p.1D]

Instead of the inspired Brooks of Young Frankenstein, we get the middling Brooks of Spaceballs, in which you can see nearly every joke hovering like the Goodyear blimp. [28 July 1993, p.8D]

The Dancer clearly needed a better task master behind the camera. There are too many scenes of Fuller physically and mentally suffering for her art as she questions if what she does actually qualifies as dance.

Needless to say, the shapely Aniston pulls it off without a hitch — even if she never actually appears without a stitch. If this gutsy performance leads to better opportunities—a remake of Demi Moore's ill-conceived "Striptease," perhaps — I might sleep better at night.

The kid is the most mature person on screen. Otherwise, it is gripe, gripe, gripe and snipe, snipe, snipe, all served family style with a bare minimum of relatability.

Save for a few references of being abandoned by his birth parents and adopted later, the source of Jobs's jerky behavior never is revealed.

This movie is a cookie. A slightly stale generic-brand cookie.

If the filmmakers were after a kind of Terms of Endearment for men, they didn't get it. Instead, revel in ''golden-agers'' Lemmon and Dukakis, and have a good cry. And shed an extra tear for a golden film opportunity lost. [27 Oct 1989, p.4D]

Schneider, with his cherub curls and scrawny physique, adopts a pussycat persona that engenders goodwill.

The Angry Birds Movie isn’t a total turkey. The animation itself is OK and I did laugh out loud once.

A cheap and easy amusement, one that's gone a little stale and never quite rises to the occasion.

An admirable attempt at presenting a difficult subject that suffers from an eventual pileup of melodramatic happenstances.

One should approach Hocus Pocus as if it were one of those households that plunk toothbrushes instead of Snickers into your goody bag. Skip it.

But the best moments are in the trailer (the squirting skunk, the asparagus in the teeth), and they are funnier in short doses than lazily strung together. [10 Nov 1995 Pg. 01.D]

As the director, co-writer, editor and composer of ominous piano tinkling heard on the soundtrack, Jason Saltiel is nothing but ambitious when it comes to this semi-successful creepy thriller that, intentionally or not, pushes the #MeToo buttons perhaps a little too hard.

Alas, Office Christmas Party serves as yet another reminder that allowing your cast to madly improvise (as evident with an unnecessary end-credits blooper reel) instead of actually providing a coherent script with a scintilla of logic often leads to a decline in sustained laughter.

Especially strange: A gimmicky cameo by an actress who outclasses all previous goings-on.

Despite solid acting, it's a fantasy for those who don't know jack about what really makes for a wonderful life.

Directed by action specialist Robert Schwentke (“Red,” “Flightplan”), Insurgent surges along with capable set pieces but less meaningful human interaction than in “Divergent.”

As movie-going experiences go, there is nothing worse than to sit through what purports to be a comedy and never have a reason to engage your laugh reflex. Exhibit A: The gender-switch remake of the 1987 screwball farce, "Overboard."

Bless me, Father, for I actually laughed once during this gosh-awful spinoff...about as funny as an oozing fever blister.

Besides the inevitable devious government types, there are anemic subplots about a fanatical priest and an abused mother and child. Let's see. This is your brain: MMMMMMMMM. This is your brain watching The Lawnmower Man: ZZZZZZZZZ. [6 Mar 1992, p.4D]

Phenomenon is a fantasy about super-intelligence that works best if you can switch off your brain. Those who can will reach weepy nirvana. Those who can't will find this sticky-sweet wallow a bit, well, dumb. [03 Jul 1996 Pg.01.D]

The sad fact is Williams is at his best while trapped in Andrew's original sleek form. His performance is subtle, his reactions restrained. The more Robin is exposed, the more ham is served.

The original was a Midol moment, this is a Prozac exercise. [12 March 1999, Life, p.8E]

Anemic. [30 October 1998, p.8E]

It's as messy as a teen’s bedroom and packed with all manner of distracting clutter that needlessly burdens a plot.

All this sounds eminently promising. But it would need a wordsmith as witty and wise as Emma Thompson, who won an Oscar for adapting the big-screen version of 1995's "Sense and Sensibility," to pull it off and do Austen herself justice.

At a certain point, however, I began to treat The Song as a kind of guilty pleasure, a not particularly good movie that nonetheless entertains in spite of itself.

A truthful ad for Crazy People? How about ''You already heard all the best jokes in the commercial.'' [11 Apr 1990, p.4D]

If you want to see actors hang from metal stairs, here's your funhouse. If you seek chills, stick with the twigs in The Blair Witch Project. [23 July 1999, p.12E]

For far too long, nothing especially creepy or unsettling happens on screen.

It's instantly devoured and quickly forgotten.

There's some heavy-duty Oedipal stuff going on underneath all the running gags about Hooters restaurants. [25 June 1999, Life, p.8E]

A feature debut that might have its heart in the right place but can’t quite manage to smoothly blend the spiritual with the silly without a few Biblical hitches here and there.

PCU is less a blatant ripoff of Animal House than a fond homage. This '90s update on campus life never reaches that landmark comedy's inspired heights (or depths, as it were) of anarchy. It also could use a waggle or two of John Belushi's bushily subversive eyebrows....But actor Hart Bochner's directing debut - aided by zippy camerawork - still offers a laugh-propelled good time while tweaking political correctness gone amok at Port Chester University (PCU). [29 Apr 1994, p.5D]

But there are kicks a-plenty besides the times J-C flings his tootsies of terror at opponents. [14 Jan 1991, p.6D]

May be dull, but the familiarity of it all makes it feel ceremonial, a reassuring ritual.

But most of the humor is about as fresh as the air left behind whenever Witherspoon uses a toilet.

Has the refined taste to crib from classics like "Double Indemnity."

First-time director/writer Richard Stanley hammers together chunks from films past to form a clunky horror show that never rises to the level of its source material. [14 Sep 1990, p.4D]

Yes, the casual-chic interior designs shine as much as her mom’s ever did. But I never really felt at home with Home Again.

Tango is a Lethal Weapon without lethal wit. [22 Dec 1989, p.7D]

The Rookie is Clint Eastwood's ultimate cops 'n' robbers fantasy, where all the cars are sex machines, all the guns shoot loud and hard, and real men say things like, ''Wanna guarantee? Buy a toaster.'' [07 Dec 1990, p.4D]

If "You've Got Mail" jangled your nerves with its Starbucks-fueled cuteness, here's a romance that goes down like instant decaf. [15 January 1999, Life, p.18E]

While the intentions behind Priceless might be honorable, the results are much less so.

As funny as it can be, this underdawg comedy isn't much more than Sandler's golf-oriented "Happy Gilmore" with a Cajun accent. [6 November 1998, p. 10E]

After a half-hour or so, your clicker finger will be itching. Too bad you can't zap around the other multiplex screens. [17 Aug 1992, p.4D]

Just like its albino-like villains, this Village is a pale imitation. [28 Apr 1995, p.3D]

Michael Chiklis doesn’t get to inject nearly enough humor as Coach Lad’s more demonstrative assistant.

The story is about as good as the average TV cop drama. But here actions speak far louder than words, and Seagal is quite eloquent. Rather than weapons, he prefers a hands-on approach to his enemies. Twisted limbs are his specialty. [12 Feb 1990, p.2D]

Nichols usually can lure A-list casts to even C-grade projects, and this is no exception.

The main problem of Monster Trucks is how content it is to take its sweet time before shifting into high-action gear.

The balcony scene takes a tumble. This is movie's greatest disappointment. Really, if you can't get this right, then why even do Romeo and Juliet?

This joyless coming-of-age travelogue is such a downer that not even breathtaking locales can provide a lift.

In its third go-round, the Lethal Weapon arsenal is running out of ammunition. [15 May 1992]

Instead of scoring belly laughs, there's a run on randy guy banter between Duchovny and Jones.

The Power of One plays like a plot-heavy South African fairy tale with one too many big, bad wolves. [27 March 1992, p.4D]

Final is a bad-line hoot-a-rama. Gere after aiding an Hispanic criminal: ''If Pepe is safe, then we are all safe.'' Basinger on her marriage: ''We share an apartment - emphasis on apart.'' But every joke needs a punchline. Alas, the finale of Final Analysis - the worst case of Vertigo sickness since Mel Brooks' High Anxiety - is just punch-drunk. [7 Feb 1992, p.5D]

It's dreadful, despite a solid cast that includes art-house heartthrob Ewan McGregor, Nick Nolte, Patricia Arquette and Josh Brolin. [17 Apr 1998]

With a few, rare exceptions, the attempts at humor in “Suicide Squad” land with a thud—that is, if you can hear such a sound over the deafening din of gunfire and the bombastic score.

Wildly uneven collage of effects and live action is no Disney-bland vision of dreams gone bonkers. There's enough Freudian material to reupholster a thousand therapy couches.

Vile, violent and less hip than it thinks it is.

Either you will weep uncontrollably during the final 10 minutes or so of this bittersweet fable...or the urge to gag will be overwhelming.

Ernest Goes to Jail is no yuk-a-minute - it's more a yuk-a-half-hour. [06 Apr 1990, p.4D]