Moviegoers may wish that Will Ferrell's megalomaniacal supervillain Mugatu had won in the first Zoolander and saved us from another film with these boneheads.

Chan has more chemistry with the kids than with Valletta, but the story is so insipid that it's likely to only sadden fans of the martial-arts icon and offer little enjoyment to its young audience.

Neither the actors nor their characters engender much affection.

Live dies around the time Carpenter allows 10 minutes of gratuitous Piper-David eye-gouging, an apparent bone to wrestling fans. Forget the amusing premise; a full crate of magic glasses couldn't make this a bearable movie. [7 Nov 1988]

The follow-up fails in every way, as a retread of the beloved ‘90s vehicle and as a youth-centered setup for future installments.

Conan the Barbarian lives by a pretty simple ethos: He lives, he loves, he slays. What he doesn't do, alas, is act.

Even the special effects alone aren't worth the price of admission.

The skiing scenes are lively enough, and one avalanche scene is even better - but cliches, overlength and jarring lapses in continuity mean that Barbra Streisand needn't spearhead a boycott of this Aspen. It can clear theaters all by itself. [25 Jan 1993, p.2D]

Romantic screwball comedies are supposed to be at least a little romantic, but there's no chemistry between Perry and Hurley.

Viewers seeking a fresh comedy, a seductive romp, or even just an escape from boredom for a couple hours will be left dismally unsatisfied by this stilted, nearly humorless, non-titillating slog.

Audiences deserve a resounding "mea culpa" for the embarrassing dreck, masquerading as comedy, in The Guilt Trip.

Despite the beautiful eye-popping world it creates, the sci-fi film Ghost in the Shell is a defective mess with lifeless characters, missed chances for thematic exploration and a minefield of political incorrectness.

Don't blame an aptly chosen cast headed by cute newcomer Mason Gamble, but this film isn't for viewers old enough to fantasize about chaining Barney the dinosaur to a freeway U-Haul. Its mental-age cutoff point is maybe Pampers-plus-5; grown-ups are cautioned to bring along alternate entertainment - even a Walkman tape of old Dennis Day ballads. [25 June 1993, p.2D]

Tedious, unromantic, sophomoric and only sporadically funny.

Interspersed between the misogyny and flatulence jokes apparently left over from Pooh's co-written script for "Friday," there's a story about an ex-con.

Been-there-seen-that wannabe laughfest.

Director Dominic Sena appears more enamored of peeping-Tom camerawork than plot logic. [03 Sep 1993]

Spaced Invaders (grave emphasis on the first ''d'') is the kind of kids' piffle Touchstone/ Disney turns out in its sleep once or twice a year. This time, slumber segues into a heavy coma, halfway into 102 criminally overlong minutes. [01 May 1990, p.4D]

Double the Van Damme equals double the dopiness in the August dog-days exploitation pic Double Impact. And though it falls somewhat short of being double the pleasure/double the fun, the film is made for one of those round-the-clock theaters with Doublemint gum stuck to the floor. [09 Aug 1991, p.5D]

The movie tries to be both comical and touching, as befitting the coming-of-age genre. But it feels forced, derivative and sometimes sappily sentimental.

Calling a cave of rocks home while spouting invective worthy of the Juilliard attendee he once was, homeless-by-choice Samuel L. Jackson worms his way into one of the least compelling mysteries in years.

Has plenty of fast cars and revving engines. But unless you're a fan of that sort of thing, its stultifying plot and wooden acting is likely to make you drift - off to sleep.

[Kidman's] Lifetime-esque potboiler centers on a bored working mom who discovers her husband might not be on the level, but while the locale is postcard idyllic, the narrative is a never-ending slog, only getting halfway interesting with a silly third-act twist and a suddenly bloody finale.

Brian De Palma's Casualties of War, with a script by playwright David Rabe, is the most overwrought (and likely to be overrated) Vietnam movie since The Deer Hunter. Or maybe since Robert Altman's film of Rabe's Streamers. Or maybe (why split hairs?) ever. [18 Aug 1989, p.4D]

Summer School is like summer school: you go, then quickly realize you would much rather be doing something else. [22 July 1987]

Alas, Wolf tries too hard to shock to be effective.

Nothing is right about this ridiculous horror schlockfest.

Anyone who sees this movie is going to be 20 minutes ahead of it, though there won't be that many after Weekend 1. With domestic disturbances, someone calls the cops. With this DOA, someone had better call the coroner.

What was once fresh and innovative now is tired and overdone.

It will be hard for audiences to remain even vaguely attentive during this slog of a feudal vengeance tale.

Vaughn and James are likable enough, and they would have real chemistry in, say, an all-out comedy.

As buddy pics go, this is pretty much not even worth a single look, let alone a double take.

A pathetically dumb attempt to string a bunch of second-rate skits together like a garland of rotten cranberries.

Even if this movie wasn't based on a computer game, Starship Troopers' reputation would still have just shot up another 50 notches. [19 March 1999, Life, p.11E]

The Homesman aims for a story that's poignant and told sparely, but comes across as mawkish, tedious and self-indulgent.

It's an almighty, humorless bore.

Yes, it's a candy-colored Day-Glo world, but there's a liveliness missing from this lead-footed Speed Racer.

The film disappoints terribly, too. The directorial debut of such an imaginative and clever screenwriter was a highly anticipated event. His "Being John Malkovich" and "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" are two of the most innovative and intriguing movies of the past decade. Synecdoche is one of the most maddening.

The characters in The Box are like cardboard cutouts: Some have "foolish victim" labeled on them, and others fall into the category of absurdly creepy villain.

The real shocker is how many grown men it took to conceive and write this lamebrained tale.

Jade recalls Sliver (even before its fizzled finale) by reuniting Eszterhas with producer Robert Evans, the faded genius and ill-pegged comeback producer who fared better with last year's lively autobiography The Kid Stays in the Picture. Judging from his last two movies, the aging kid stays on the D-list, too.

Actually does manage to be the best of the BDSM bore-fests in the forgettable erotic saga based on E.L. James’ Fifty Shades novels.

Fun is hiding behind a bad movie costume in this humorless and idiotic Halloween teen comedy.

Homefront is what "Breaking Bad" may have resembled had Sylvester Stallone written the TV show.

If Sandler hopes to win over new fans, he may want to cork the scatological humor and let it age a bit.

Glaringly lacking in the film are any original Stones songs. The group, who fired Jones just before his death, must not have thought much of the movie if they didn't allow their music to be used. Smart fellows.

Though it's only 90 minutes, the film drags, making these not-so-easy riders pretty tough to watch.

The murkiest-looking movie since Ben Affleck's “Daredevil” and about as lacking in charm.

You, Me and Dupree is a good idea badly executed.

The first one was silly fun, amusing and oddly inventive; the second is plodding, unfunny and almost cringe-worthy.

We're the Millers is a twisted road trip worth avoiding. Not only is it not funny, it's offensive.

Farrell is quite good, though it's hard to buy the Scottish McGregor and the Irish Farrell as brothers. But mostly, the film feels rudderless, almost as if it's been directed on autopilot.

Alpha and Omega is one of those rarities in the modern era of Hollywood animation: bad.

Terminator used to be a sci-fi franchise defined by its cool time-travel concept and even better special effects. Unfortunately, it's "Hasta la vista, baby," to those good old days.

Feels like a bad sitcom.

The story is tedious, noisy and banal. It is also rather dark and convoluted for children, though it does have the familiar bombast of a video game.

A succession of tired race jokes made worse by the bad comedic timing of the bland, under-talented Ashton Kutcher.

It comes off like a coughed-up furball: a wan rehash with too many elements of the hard-to-swallow 2004 original.

True, most Christmas flicks tend toward the trite and predictable naturally but they just don’t have to be quite this insufferable.

Tango is a Lethal Weapon without lethal wit. [22 Dec 1989, p.7D]

This guy defines loner. He's on the outs with his father and kid brother, and the Koreans treat him like he's the Vanilla Ice of karate. Generation gap. Cultural gap. Logic gap. Weapon has more gaps than a cut-rate set of dentures. [19 Mar 1991, p.8D]

The performances don't help matters any, with acting ranging from tolerably earnest to laughable. Cage keeps Left Behind from being a completely unholy mess.

This implausible action thriller also stars Julianne Moore as an FBI agent who sees Cage's two-bit Vegas act and decides he can single-handedly save the world.

An insult to the memory of the cleverly written show and its celebration of friendship, it's a slap in the face for the four gal pals (often photographed at unflattering angles) and an affront to Muslims.

You don't envy the three soldiers who get shot for desertion, but you do identify with their desire to flee.

Nothing happens that is not thoroughly predictable under Jeff (Revenge of the Nerds) Kanew's direction. Maybe kids, even though they won't have a clue about all those references to chichi Beverly Hills hairstylists, may find these shenanigans more fun than anybody. Maybe we could find a badge for them: the endurance badge. [22 March 1989, p.4D]

When the cast starts wondering where the roadkill is, someone says, "Follow the smell." Good tip: That's how you'll know where Wax is playing.

More moronic than demonic. [20 Aug 1990]

A documentary on the formation of stalagmites would have been more compelling.

Even the soundtrack doesn't rescue the movie from its tedious banality.

Suspense takes a vacation in sequel. [13 November 1998, p. 6E]

But Problem Child's biggest problem is its young star, 8-year-old Michael Oliver. You tend to take such natural child actors as Dick Tracy's Charlie Korsmo for granted until one comes along who should be delivering newspapers instead of movie lines. [30 July 1990]

Lacking even a hint of humor or a watchable story, Disguise has distinguished itself as the summer's worst movie.

That's My Boy is puerile, mean-spirited and charmless.

It's one bad apple.

You know something is wrong when a preschooler's unwitting ad-libs are funnier than anything seasoned comedy writers can come up with. Kids say the darnedest things. Too bad the grown-ups don't.

It'll be 30 years this Thanksgiving since Elvis starred in Blue Hawaii. Polynesian kissy-face has been going downhill on screens ever since. [02 Aug 1991, p.5D]

The comedian's braggadocio here is more wearying than that of the most self-absorbed rapper. And worse, it comes at the expense of humor.

Fatally dreadful. This umpteenth parody flick of the year moves sooooooo slowly, it may be the first movie candidate for a pacemaker. The Naked Guns and the Hot Shots may not be Noel Coward cocktail parties. But those films toss out so many joke grenades, a few are bound to set off laughs. Not director Carl Reiner's latest. He takes the same five gags and grinds them into the ground like old cigarettes. Or allows each bit to drag on and on like the toilet paper that keeps sticking to femme fatale Sean Young's killer pumps. [29 Oct 1993, p.4D]

There is a blessed dearth of dialogue, but much of it is unintentionally hilarious.

The premise was a yummy one in the Mexican hit "Like Water for Chocolate," but it's best to pack Tums in case of heartburn this time around. [5 February 1999, Life, p.11E]

Even by King-movie standards (and there are none lower), the misanthropy, grotesque humor, and all-out ugliness is itself in maximum overdrive. [27 Aug 1993, p.3D]

Spanning the counterculture '70s to the more career-oriented '80s and doing justice to neither decade, this event-heavy adaptation of Scott Spencer's novel may give viewers whiplash.

The 1992 phenomenon was creepy, tense and sexually charged in a bold yet tawdry way. This sequel lacks even a shred of those elements.

Before you go off to see The Wizard with your own video whiz kid, consider visiting an arcade instead. Your entertainment dollar would be much better spent on Double Dragon. [15 Dec 1989, p.6D]

Alas, shell casings, switchblades and severed limbs are all that's offered in this vile film, whose sole redeeming quality is that it ends. Eventually.

A pitiful update that saddles poor Cedric the Entertainer with the unenviable task of taking over Jackie Gleason's premier creation, Ralph Kramden.

Furry Vengeance is a slapstick stinker, easily the worst movie of the year.

Even if you love alien robots punching each other while tossing out insipid one-liners, it’s a painfully long two and a half hours where the biggest problem isn’t a lack of plot but way too many of them.

Any civilization that can produce a movie this stupid probably deserves to be hit by famine and pestilence.

Bless me, Father, for I actually laughed once during this gosh-awful spinoff...about as funny as an oozing fever blister.

Move along, there's nothing to see and no one to root for in this murky franchise reboot.

Here's ringside entertainment for those who think TV wrestling is too intellectual and restrained.

Not since Andy Kaufman's reign of terror has a supposed funnyman been so self-indulgently persistent in testing a fan's patience.

Would not even make a decent five-minute TV sketch. At any length, it smells.

Preachy, manipulative and emotionally barren.

Gere has never seemed more squirrelly.

The bad-taste murder farce is just an excuse for a bunch of actors to go slumming and ride about in - ha, ha - Yugos.