The writing here is rarely funny, and often trite and predictable. A couple of scenes are downright disturbing:

The desperately titled Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man takes place in 1996, an apparent ploy to sugarcoat a script that would be unswallowable set today. Of course, even if it were set in 3996, this film still would be one helluva tight cram down the old esophagus. [23 Aug 1991, p.4D]

A didactic and humorless Western, Eli is too laborious for an action film and too brutal to be an inspirational tale.

It would appear that director Scott Kalvert never met a cliché he didn't like. No telegraphing is too obvious or simplistic for this movie.

While it doesn't exactly reek like week-old refuse, there's a certain stale odor about Men at Work - like a Saturday Night Live skit that goes on too long. And any film whose soundtrack is divided between reggae and classical definitely has identity problems. [27 Aug 1990]

While it's billed as a "re-imagining" of the horror franchise, this Friday is more like a rehash, delivering just what you expect and nothing more.

A sluggish, tedious film about lost souls living dead-end lives in a dead-end town. Their actions often defy rationality.

Where 1991's "Thelma & Louise" was funny and action-filled, Tammy's story is thin, cringe-inducing and, worst of all for a comedy, not funny. Jokes land with a thud and the pacing is leaden.

If you've been lobotomized or have the mental age of a kindergartener, Mr. Bean's Holiday is viable comic entertainment.

If you're of a mind to believe a dreary and far-fetched thriller about numerology-crazed alien life forms, then you may find the movie mildly diverting.

Williams' use of shadows, offbeat angles and slow-motion makes the violence-induced fear and anger palpable. Less convincing is the story itself, which unravels as Tommy and Sincere choose their destinies. [20 Nov 1998]

So sadistic and disturbing, Games is easily the toughest movie to sit through since 1994's "Natural Born Killers."

Family Weekend is the kind of dark-for-dark's sake, wannabe quirkfest that proves indie films can be just as clichéd and vapid as the most soulless Hollywood movies.

The story doesn't clarify why the dragons hibernated for hundreds of years, nor why they awakened. Clearly, however, the filmmakers might have benefited from more sleep before penning the script.

There's no buildup (hence, no suspense) and no combustion between the leads. Dillon and Young are both better than their reps, and Dearden orchestrated the sizzle between Michael Douglas and Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction. Something must have gone terribly awry here. [26 Apr 1991, p.4D]

Flippantly hip without any solid laughs, Life strains to be the flick more offbeat. [24Oct1997 pg06.D]

The only redeeming feature about The Gunman is its exotic locations.

A cheesy crock of religious mumbo jumbo.

A Disney Thanksgiving movie that plays like a Halloween holdover is odd enough. Even so, it wouldn't be that bad if you stuck your hand into the trick-or-treat bag and found a hefty, succulently dressed and edible turkey instead of the other kind.

The concept is unoriginal, the scenarios aren't funny, and its message is banal. Plus, Murphy alternately hams it up and phones it in.

A laughably bad horror flick.

There are only so many times you can see a slow-motion kickboxing scene or a figure sail off a skyscraper before you want to spend a nice, cozy evening with the Dead Sea Scrolls.

Even horror neophytes won't be spooked by a film that looks as if it were shot with a smartphone and an Itty Bitty Booklight.

It's so unfunny it almost stings.

Blackhat is a tedious, preposterous and incoherent cyberthriller that is anything but thrilling.

However, anyone seeking a good time that involves wit and logic will consider the film a definite wrong number. [26Feb1997 Pg 03.D]

Put an infinite number of monkeys in front of an infinite number of word processors, and one of them may indeed write War and Peace, as the old theory goes. But more likely, they'll come up with something like David Mickey Evans' screenplay for Ed. [15 Mar 1996, p.5D]

You can always judge a sci-fi thriller by its aliens. What does Planet offer -- Space roaches.

Hisses for Catwoman. Unfortunately for Oscar winner Halle Berry, this movie belongs in the litter box.

Give this to Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins: The dogs can act.

Within a few minutes into the ponderous prehistoric pseudo-epic that is 10,000 B.C., you find yourself longing for George of the Jungle to crash into a tree or the Geico cavemen to amble up and put an end to the droning seriousness of this tedious tale.

A potential howler done in by a tendency to wear too much body tissue on its sleeve.

Veggie Tales is a faith-based franchise that uses a blend of a religious/moral message and humor to teach about honesty and forgiveness. But Pirates lacks the humor of the videos and "A Veggie Tales Movie."

The movie is so uninvolving that it inspires renewed respect for Broken Arrow, which was equally stupid but excitingly filmed. Though its sound effects will shake up your marrow, you can experience the same effect by plunking $ 100 worth of change into a rumbling bed at the nearest seedy motel. [2 Aug 1996]

A silly movie that's essentially a series of clichés strung together into a semblance of a movie.

Steven Seagal's acting style is so minimal that we can almost believe a script that tells us that his character's near-death experience left him flatlined for 22 minutes.

Has a riddick-ulous sci-fi plot, overblown and numbing video game-style special effects and a going-through-the-motions lead performance by Vin Diesel.

Less a movie than a mind-numbingly dull road trip.

Who had the lamebrained idea for a post-apocalyptic 3-D Nutcracker that is lacking any trace of ballet?

Love Stinks is what bad network TV comedy would be like if there were no censorship and less talent.

If Costner's clout gets this 124-minute snooze even three weeks of business, dust off the Tom Cruise Cocktail award. [16 Feb 1990, p.4D]

The movie is so impressionistic, it obfuscates any sense of history. We expect at least a hint at the causes of the Mayan Empire's demise, but instead we get Mesoamerican Rambo.

Although about as authentic as Chef Boy-Ar-Dee, Martin at least gets to dress funny. Joan Cusack's D.A. looks dowdy and is misused. Carol Kane's grocery-store siren looks slutty and is underused. And as a cop, Melanie Mayron should slap cuffs on her hairdresser. [20 Aug 1990, p.4D]

If you didn't know otherwise, you'd swear that Gentlemen Broncos was made by a disaffected high school student – and not a particularly talented one.

Ultimately, Beerfest plays like a party that's gone on too long, when the buzz has worn off and the hangover starts to set in.

Don't say you weren't warned. There are instant clues that this ill-timed Michael Douglas vehicle is a dually unfortunate viewing experience.

It's been a long time since a movie wasted this much talent.

The movie spends too much time wedging the couple into a May-December moment, where Crystal cracks nostalgic about the good old days. It's sweet, but it grows old.

Get Hard is hard to sit through and hardly funny. So unless you're really hard up for entertainment, stay away from this tone-deaf raunchfest.

Shot by a special-effects superstar making his first stab at directing, Mark Dippe, the result is dizzying in its unreality, and the visual tricks are impressive. [01Aug1997 Pg.02.D]

Who would have thought an animated comedy satirizing the predictable nature of fairy tales could be so grim?

Not worth the ride.

Leaves a bad taste, not only because of its bad-luck timing, but also the staleness of its script.

Cloying and dated movie.

The film feels as calculatedly sentimental as one of those bland pink candy hearts.

Steer clear of Freedomland, the movie. Your time would be better spent reading Richard Price's much more compelling 1998 novel.

Ridiculousness needs to abound somewhat in a film like this — reality takes a seat early and often here — but Resurgence pushes everything to an egregiously over-the-top and often infuriating degree.

Hell Baby is what happens when you try to parody a parody. The result is a film that's less than half as funny as its predecessor, and a sliver as clever as the original.

Killers is dead on arrival: miscast, horribly paced and murderously uninvolving.

Kimberly Elise gives the best performance as a beleaguered woman with an abusive boyfriend (Michael Ealy).

Yogi Bear is a big boo-boo.

It fumbles because neither of the characters are particularly likable.

It's so-so. As in mediocre. Even gross-out comedies need the stink of genius.

One of the most violent opening scenes in screen history…Yet given such a visually adept exercise, the rest seems transparently off-the-cuff. There are obese trailer-camp porn stars, heavenly visions, a climactic rendition of Love Me Tender and no-point references to The Wizard of Oz - all of which top this two-hour farrago like a soggy tarp. [17 Aug 1990, Life, 4D]

The movie is a clunky, noisy contraption. Director Jon Turteltaub piles on gadgets and devices in the hopes we'll be dazzled enough to miss the story's lack of coherence and charm.

The best actor in Snow Dogs is a glowering Siberian husky named Demon. In fact, all the dogs in the movie do a better job than their human counterparts.

What it became was bad. A movie that hopes to blend "Lethal Weapon" with "Gladiator" winds up not being a fraction of either.

Trying to decipher all the convoluted pathways could drive you mad. Mostly, though, it is so ludicrous that it will unintentionally inspire laughter.

If you want to see actors hang from metal stairs, here's your funhouse. If you seek chills, stick with the twigs in The Blair Witch Project. [23 July 1999, p.12E]

This would be profoundly offensive, if you could tell what was going on. [15 Jun 1992, p.6D]

Desperately conceived by even the most insipid standards of contemporary teen-queen cinema, A Cinderella Story operates under a rotting pumpkin of a supposition.

The movie's premise is as dopey as they come: A serial killer with a conscience is killing other serial killers.

This come-down of a series capper is so arch and pompous amid its clanks and collisions that you can only snicker at the verbal wind that obscures the din of marauding machinery.

Instead of the inspired Brooks of Young Frankenstein, we get the middling Brooks of Spaceballs, in which you can see nearly every joke hovering like the Goodyear blimp. [28 July 1993, p.8D]

Much as they would like it to, basketball can't save the youthful inner-city players here. Nor does the ultra-fast-paced street version of the sport save this movie from predictability and tedium.

Audiences everywhere will tune out long before the projector does.

All this dreary movie has is a terrible whodunit payoff.

So unwatchably creaky that it's hard to believe director Mitchell Leisen filmed Murder at the Vanities (with its wildly demented Sweet Marijuana production number) the same year. [04 Dec 1998]

Ernest Goes to Jail is no yuk-a-minute - it's more a yuk-a-half-hour. [06 Apr 1990, p.4D]

Kick-Ass is a prime example of a movie that never should have bothered with a sequel. Not only is its successor played-out, but it revels in carnage while lacking the visual style and gleeful humor of the original.

A moviegoer's only defense against Jason is to avoid theaters showing this gruesome and derivative movie.

Director/co-writer/co-producer Nora Ephron is best known for the magical Sleepless in Seattle. Michael is mirthless in the Midwest. [24 Dec 1996 Pg.03.D]

It's a syrupy, downbeat film.

A bottom-rung Bette Midler vehicle disguised as a biopic of novelist Jacqueline Susann, the movie is a wannabe satire shackled by misplaced reverence.

Max Payne couldn't be more appropriately named. Sitting through this stylish-looking but derivative, vacuous and bullet-riddled movie inflicts maximum pain.

Hip-hoppish Honey is in the harmlessly junky "let's put on a show" tradition of "Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo," minus electricity but with a budget for supporting-cast navel rings that 1984's break-dance sequel certainly didn't have.

Bogdanovich, again adapting Larry McMurtry, can't find the tone to replace Show's wistful nostalgia; given our lack of nostalgia for 1984's Texas-oil bust, he opts for gallows-humor that's beyond him. [28 Sep 1990, p.9D]

This is about Meg. Only about Meg. Meg in the Middle.

Timecop's conversation piece is the scene in which Van Damme springs into the air amid hand-to-hand combat, finessing a perfect split atop his kitchen counter. Though definitely ooo-and-aaah stuff, it falls short of landing Timecop the 3-star review earned here by Van Damme's Hard Target. [16 Sep 1994, p.5D]

It sounds like fun, but this quasi-continuation of the Nightmare on Elm Street series is a half-hour too long, running 112 minutes when less than 90 would suffice. [14 Oct 1994, p.4D]

This is not the Travolta of "Pulp Fiction," nor is it the Williams of "One Hour Photo." Though no animals were harmed in the making of Old Dogs, the lead actors were defanged. But like a pair of Labradors, they have a playful rapport.

Russell Crowe may find himself discovering the simple joys of life in A Good Year, but audiences will be checking their watches during this joyless attempt at comedy.

If only the movie had heeded its own advice and tried to be different from the standard formula.

But most of the humor is about as fresh as the air left behind whenever Witherspoon uses a toilet.

The filmmakers, who include the hitherto ace action director Jan De Bont ("Speed", "Twister"), have neither hearts nor minds in gear. [13Jun1997 Pg.04.D]

This wrongheaded biopic that bears her name does nothing to burnish her legacy. In fact, the tedious movie lacks any insight into the characters involved, and surely would have the late Princess of Wales rolling in her grave. And it can't be easy on her sons to see their mother depicted in such a one-dimensional fashion.

November is when we eat turkey, and Sweet November is pretty much a fat, juicy gobbler passed off as Valentine's Day date bait.

A contrived, unpleasant and very drawn-out affair.