When Ephron gives Ferrell and Kidman a musical number that's supposed to be sweet and uplifting, the movie feels downright creepy.

The Back-up Plan is about as much fun as 36 hours of labor, only you don't get to go home with a baby at the end. Instead, you leave with a throbbing headache and a lot of questions about why anybody still thinks Jennifer Lopez can anchor a movie.

With its unfathomably stupid plot, half-hearted laughs and slow-witted action, can only be considered a waste of time. Especially yours.

On the Line's cutesy premise is no more ridiculous than that of most romantic comedies.

A pleasant if unremarkable romantic comedy that plays out like a sitcom with great scenery.

Even when his scripts aren't working, Shyamalan knows how to frame shots and build suspense. The Happening, even more than his previous films, has a visual elegance and subtlety that helps to overcome the less successful aspects of the plot.

This is a problem for a story located deep underwater, because without an immediate, photogenic threat, the movie literally has nowhere to go. The hard-working cast, led by Greg Evigan, Miguel Ferrer and the psychedelically named Taurean Blacque, lurches from bulkhead to air lock on cue, but accomplishes little beyond contributing to a growing sense of claustrophobia. [16 Jan 1989, p.7]

It takes a concerted effort to make a movie as relentlessly stupid and grating as 15 Minutes.

Won't surprise you, but it's more tolerable than the grating, garish, millinery-challenged Cat. Besides, a cadaverous Terence Stamp trumps a glossy Alec Baldwin as a bad guy any day.

If Ghost in the Machine isn't the stupidest thriller of the year, it certainly holds the pole position in the race for that honor. The film combines computer hacking, virtual reality and serial murder into a plot so preposterous, so incredibly ridiculous, you keep watching just to see what the filmmakers will dare to do next. [31 Dec 1993, p.G5]

The payback in Law Abiding Citizen doesn't have a cathartic kick, because the revenge is so extreme it's horrifying.

A breezy pleasure.

You, too, will roll your eyes at the film's lazy script, which is littered with gags pilfered from earlier movies and cartoons. In one scene, a loose boulder goes crashing down on Spade and Farley's mountain retreat. Heck, even Wile E. Coyote knew better than to build his house on the side of a cliff. [5 Feb 1996, p.4C]

A surprisingly straightforward romp in slasher-flick cliches, Friday the 13th is replete with gee-whiz gore, gratuitous sex and nudity and party-loving teens with a penchant for ending up on the wrong end of a pick ax.

In Celtic Pride, a comedy about sports fanaticism, two obsessive basketball followers want to see the underdog Boston Celtics win the NBA championship so badly that they kidnap the star player from the opposing team to make him miss the deciding game...Instead, they should've kidnapped the screenwriter and made him write a better movie. Celtic Pride is jaw-droppingly bad, a comedy so bereft of anything remotely humorous that you find yourself watching the extras in the background, desperately searching for something resembling entertainment. [19 Apr 1996, p.6G]

Year One is not really THAT bad and not ENTIRELY without laughs.

Besides the clever name and some striking images from director Dwight H. Little, the only other entertaining bits in Halloween 4 come from Donald Pleasence. [29 Oct 1988, p.C4]

The first film was tedious in the extreme; Monsters Unleashed, though it feels way too long and padded, it shows at least brief flashes of imagination.

Jingle All the Way is at its best when piling on the slapstick, which director Brian Levant ( The Flintstones ) wisely does often. [22 Nov 1996, p.6G]

Estevez is a self-important performer and his cockiness mutes most of the movie's laughs. If not for Sheen, a much more appealing comic actor than his brother, Men at Work would hardly be palatable. [29 Aug 1990, p.D5]

While there are some genuinely creepy moments, it never truly ends up as more than an average "X-Files" episode.

With their flair for wretched excess, Damiani and screenwriter Tommy Lee Wallace make it hard to bear Amityville II in good humor. [28 Sep 1982, p.D6]

May prove too dark to make the list of Schwarzenegger's biggest hits. But the movie suggests the actor still has a lot to offer -- and he's willing to take some chances, too. Welcome back, Arnold.

I can honestly think of no reason why anyone would want to see Testosterone apart from the rumor that the film contains a full-frontal shot of Antonio Sabato Jr. naked.

It has virtually nothing in common with the charming book written by the Gilbreths about their turn-of-the-century family and everything to do with making money on DVD rentals.

Director Deran Sarafian and cinematographer Russell Carpenter give Death Warrant a great gloomy feel and know how how to use extreme close-ups as effective eye candy. But candy is about all we get. [18 Sep 1990, p.C3]

You don't go into a movie called Ninja Assassin expecting a hell of a lot, but this shockingly disjointed and relentlessly dull picture can't even deliver the martial-arts kick its title so plainly promises.

An overly convoluted, tiresome mystery that exists primarily to antagonize the audience, Basic consists almost entirely of dense exposition, then concludes by laughing at anyone who tried to pay attention.

Just plain bad. Really, really bad.

Mann deserves credit for trying new stuff, of course; The Keep is nothing if not ambitious. But it isn't anything more, either. [20 Dec 1983, p.D5]

It's all as foolish as can be, and tedious in the bargain. The Clan of the Cave Bear acts as a parody of the earlier, more accomplished Quest for Fire, but since even that film was funny despite itself, this is not much of an accomplishment. On the evidence, it is hard to tell which way Hannah, who was Ron Howard's mermaid in Splash, is traveling on the old evolutionary ladder. [27 Man 1986, p.C6]

Essentially a rip-off of "Apocalypto" for audience members too young or squeamish to endure graphic human sacrifice and jaguar face-eating.

Miami Vice producer Michael Mann is the executive producer of this movie. Paul Michael Glaser, who has directed several episodes of that show, is at the helm on this film. As a result, that Vice feeling is everywhere in Band: plot and character development yielding to scenic Miami, violence and music. [15 Apr 1986, p.B4]

There are so many romantic-comedy cliches crammed into Valentine's Day that watching it feels like surfing through the channels of an all-chick-flick cable service.

What you'll remember most are a pretty face and the hot and steamy sex scenes. That is not enough.

It's fun to watch the stocky, scowling Ice Cube and skinny, jittery Epps play off each other; they click on screen.

A sentimental romantic thriller. But it’s a well-made sentimental romantic thriller, and that makes all the difference.

It's not much, but it isn't awful, either, provided you're interested in this sort of thing to begin with.

There's something innately distasteful about The Crush. Here's a movie that casts a hopelessly lovestruck -- and mentally disturbed -- teenager as a villain. The camera ogles Silverstone's body every chance it gets, then invites you to hiss at her as she goes about her evil deeds. What's more, the movie -- which is nothing more than the latest take on the increasingly routine female-from-hell genre -- takes itself very seriously, giving the proceedings a realism that only serves to heighten the unsavoriness of the thing. [8 Apr 1993, p.F3]

There are several stretches when the movie is actually hilarious.

Part of the problem is that Garner, so irresistible on television and in last year's "13 Going on 30," just can't pull off the cold-hearted killer routine.

Mr. Destiny wouldn't be all bad if it made some variation on the recipe, but it's too generic and predictable -- and too blandly acted -- to be engaging. The magic's gone. It's like sucking on a Tootsie Pop for two hours and never tasting the fudgy center. [12 Oct 1990, p.G5]

Schwarzenegger doesn't at all seem too old for the part; his bulging muscles still fill the action-hero's suit just fine. It's what he's doing that is tired and, maybe, played out.

See this movie for Douglas and Bacall, ignore the dialogue and just bask in their star chemistry, still strong after all these years.

The relevant question is: does it rock? And the answer, unfortunately, is no.

Loaded with so much drama that the story sinks into a grim, sloppy soap-opera mix.

Full of It's message is directed straight at 9-year-olds -- lying is bad! -- and yet there's plenty of sexual content. Unfortunately there isn't much else.

At its heart, however, Soul Man is a one-gag story propelled by sitcom material; there are times you'd swear you were watching Lucy. And because the filmmakers really aren't up to their premise, the movie ends on a note of forced harmony that's enough to make the blood run cold. It's a reminder that even good white liberals still aren't sure how to act around black people. Which, come to think of it, would make a fine, socially "relevant" comedy. Perhaps Hollywood will make it someday. [27 Oct 1986, p.C4]

Chasing Papi leaves you wishing Hollywood would just forget about Latinos altogether. If this is how they really see us, I'd rather not know.

The film moves jerkily, in fits and starts, squandering its promising setup and bogging down in explanation.

From this, we can safely assume that Schaeffer is a nag and a pest, though after two films we still have little proof that he's a capable director. [8 March 1996, p.7G]

Steeped in pitch-perfect nostalgia and propelled by equal doses of comedy and tragedy.

But the blame for the stultifying Mooseport lies squarely on the shoulders of the screenwriters and anyone else who assumed the limited Romano could carry such a dated, lousy film. The results are in: He can't do it, at least not without a lot more help.

Based on evidence in My Favorite Martian, it can be concluded that while life does exist on Planet Disney, it's not particularly intelligent. Or funny. [12 Feb 1999, p.10G]

The unfortunate aspect of Class, which is glossier than Private Lessons and marginally more believable than My Tutor, is that its laughs are built around the suffering of a prime candidate for intensive therapy. Thus while the kids are watching one movie -- boy loses virginity, ya-hoo -- adults in the audience will be watching another -- wife and mother has an emotional breakdown at the hands, literally, of a 14-year-old. The latter, of course, is not funny. [25 July 1983, p.C6]

Not making any sense is not the same as unbelievably dumb, which The Final Chapter pretty much is. [18 Apr 1984, p.6]

Blake Edwards returned to direct this time, and seems to have made the miscalculation that Benigni could carry the movie. One with less noble lineage, maybe. But the Pink Panther movies, largely because of Edwards' own brilliance at physical comedy, are very hard acts to follow. [01 Sep 1993, p.E3]

Every now and then, there is even a funny line, as when the wife of one officer insists on joining the force herself: "We can wear matching uniforms, share ammo -- everything that makes a marriage work." [24 Mar 1986, p.D7]

On Deadly Ground has all the thrills and suspense of a rerun of Barney and Friends. [22 Feb 1994, p.D5]

No, Sucker Punch doesn't make any sense. But none of that matters, because the ride Snyder takes you on is so vividly conceived, so deliriously bizarre and wonderful.

An incredibly lazy movie -- but not an unbearable one, thanks to Aaron Eckhart's charm.

Wood's disarmingly funny performance paired with Reiner's irreverent gags make North a fun, harmless trip. [22 Jul 1994, p.G4]

The Last Song, yet another maudlin remake of a Nicholas Sparks bestseller.

The problem is that hardly anyone in the cast can sing or dance on a level that’s more than passable (Foxx is a fine exception). And that’s a problem when the movie is a musical.

The good news is the updated version is scarier than the original, thanks to snazzier special effects, a shorter running time, moody lighting, a few solid jolts and one icky moment involving a bratty babysitter and a closet. The bad news is the film rehashes every horror movie cliché you can imagine.

The kind of schlocky, disposable time-killer that once might have starred Jean-Claude Van Damme, The Impostor is a relentlessly dull chase flick with an inexplicably high-toned cast.

Dismal.

What's missing in Kickboxer is a solid script and keen direction of dramatic sequences... Van Damme choreographed and edited all the fight scenes, and his talent is undeniable. If you're thrilled by a flurry of spinning back kicks, elbow punches and assorted high-flying martial-arts tricks, Kickboxer has your name on it. [12 Sep 1989, p.C7]

It's just as boring and dumb as it sounds. This is the kind of movie that uses a shot of a bare butt as a punch line, and thinks having Encino Man's Brendan Fraser do a walk-on re- enaction of that movie's frog-eating scene is a clever cameo. As if. And Shore needs to freshen up his act: You can only act like a buffoon for so long before people start thinking of you as one. Remember Andrew Dice Clay? [2 July 1993, p.G5]

Meg's as cute as ever, but empty Hanging Up never connects.

There’s nothing more to this movie than the set-up. Even though Cypher is slowly bleeding to death, and Kitai is running out of oxygen capsules that allow him to breathe in the toxic air, there’s no sense of urgency, either. At least Shyamalan, sensing the thinness of the material, doesn’t stretch things out.

The Wedding Planner dissolves into a mopey, leaden romance that piles on the contrivances before limping to its foregone -- and rote -- conclusion.

The kind of stupid-funny movie that should only be seen in a crowded theater.

Start with a heaping helping of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer." Throw in some "Percy Jackson," a dash of "Twilight," a spoonful of "The Vampire Diaries" and a sprinkling of "Harry Potter," and you end up with The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones.

It's just awful. Pointless, lazy, derivative and paralyzingly dull.

The less said about Simpson's performance the better. From the neck down she fulfills all the requirements, but, honestly, I think General Lee might do a better job with the dialogue.

Jade is the latest offering from sleazemeister screenwriter Joe Eszterhas (Basic Instinct, Sliver, Showgirls), and just as you'd expect, this movie has lots of sex, lots of violence, and little plausibility or wit. [13 Oct 1995, p.4G]

A wisp of a movie that dissipates the moment you leave the theater.

As human Kewpie dolls, the Olsens' basic function is to try on as many new outfits as humanly possible within the span of 86 minutes (guaranteed to be the longest 86 minutes, New York or otherwise, you've ever spent in the dark).

An idea whose time is long overdue, a tricked-out jumbo jet custom fit to meet the needs of today's savvy black traveler.

The film is probably not evil incarnate, but it's so irritating you wish it -- and just about everyone in it -- would just shut up and get out of your room.

Merely adding an older generation of lovers to a love story does not make your romance one for the ages. Doesn’t even make it "The Notebook."

The sex parts are dumb -- they could have been lifted from a 1960s beach comedy -- but when Last Resort acts as a sendup of drinks (and life) by the colored bead at Club Med, it has its amusements. [04 Jun 1986, p.D4]

Rich in cliché and brimming with the sort of potent idiocy that can only be found in January-release romantic comedies, Leap Year manages to do every possible thing wrong.

The best things about this movie are first-rate comic performances by Young, Sherilyn Fenn (as Assante's worshipful secretary), Kate Nelligan (Assante's absurdly faithless wife), and by Assante himself. We knew he was a great straight man, but who would have guessed he had the timing for this? He has it. And Fatal Instinct has its moments. [30 Oct 1993, p.G1]

Considering the horrible buzz that had dogged the movie since its trailers first premiered, The Punisher turns out to be a likable underdog.

An overwrought, horribly directed, sloppily plotted and dreadfully written mess. It's difficult to believe that Shanley actually created the thing. [13 Jan 1989, p.C7]

It's an hour longer than the average sitcom, but The Wedding Date isn't much different from what you see crammed into any TV comedy lineup, minus the laugh track.

It's an extremely raunchy hybrid of "Bridget Jones's Diary."

The cleverness begins and ends at the basic fact that it is being done. Really, it would be much more fun just to rent one of the originals.

[A] visually stunning, technically impressive and crushingly dumb and overlong picture.

If you really love "Bull Durham," don't go near Play It to the Bone. It will break your heart.

The problem with I Love You, Beth Cooper is that aside from Denis' speech at the start, everything else seems familiar.

The movie is just self-conscious enough to get some bad reviews, and it's going to draw some walkouts. Pay no attention. There's something wonderful here...It's a fascinating film. [3 March 1989, p.6]

Paranoia has a promising foundation — betrayal, danger and corporate espionage are solid building blocks of suspense. But the movie turns out to be more exasperating than exciting.

More toy commercial than movie.

An apocalyptic Bob Dylan song made cinematic, with all the vision and poetry dissipating in the transfer. It's as if the filmmakers listened to "Desolation Row" just one time too many.

The Hitcher has a certain weight. It's not junk, and Harmon is neither a hack nor a beginner just taking his genre shot. His movie is arresting in surprising places, and it never really lets us off the hook. There's something here worth seeing, and something about Harmon as well. What will he do next, and can he top this? [27 Feb 1986, p.8]