A movie as annoying as its oddly punctuated title, After.Life is a misguided and empty-headed attempt at psychological horror that succeeds only at talking the viewer to death.

Isolated moments in Color of Night hint at Rush's visual creativity. He can spin afresh the most perfunctory scenes -- watch the clever way he shoots a simple fender-bender, or his spectacular take on an opening-scene suicide. But as the story falls into place, the visual embellishments feel increasingly hollow, like fancy icing on a grocery-store sheet cake. [19 Aug 1994, p.G5]

Silver garners a hilarious performance from Dempsey, whose charm is only surpassed by his talent for slapstick. And though she lets the movie lapse into a lengthy montage in the middle, she keeps the story's wit and romance intact to the very end. Loverboy is a movie worth falling for. [2 May 1989, p.C5]

A cliché-ridden, condescending and ham-handed film that clumsily fails to bring to life what should be an interesting story. You might say none of its punches even comes close to connecting.

Badham, a consummate craftsman, certainly knows how to stage his action sequences competently, but they lack spontaneity and thrills. The movie careens from one concocted obstacle to the next and ends with the most ridiculous and overlong sequence of all. [18 May 1990, p.G5]

Too much of this well-acted but dangerously slow thriller feels like a preamble to a bigger, more complicated story, one that never materializes.

A stark regression from the intelligence of the Scream franchise, this teen horror sequel is about as satisfying as low-budget food that's been under the heat lamps too long.

Raises a few questions -- like just what were they thinking?

It's a stylized, overdressed love story with music tacked on. It's a tangle of relationship studies that drag endlessly, slapstick "get the girl" scenes that aren't funny, and clashes with parental authority that only feign rebellion. [03 Jul 1986, p.D10]

Coolidge knows he's not making "Death of a Salesman" here (he names the store managers Glen Gary and Glen Ross in tribute to David Mamet's elegy to the American Dream), but he's got the same eye for detail that made "Office Space" great. What he lacks is Arthur Miller's (or even Mike Judge's) sense for character.

Kids are most likely to be entertained by this live-action offering, although baby-boomer fans of the series will appreciate how closely it hews to the show's foundation.

Most of this is tedious instead of unintentionally amusing.

Downright awful.

The plot -- Day trying to take over all the clubs -- is meaningless and the ending almost pathetic. But that's not the reason to watch Graffiti Bridge. It's the music, the set, the colors and the musical numbers that make this movie memorable. [07 Nov 1990, p.C5]

Three O'Clock High is one of those ideas that must have sounded wonderful at one point, and to be fair it still sounds better than the pop-out plots of most teen-explo projects. It turns out, however, to have surprisingly little range. Once the story is under way, there's nowhere for it to go but home room, lunch and out the door. [13 Oct 1987, p.C7]

The cinematic equivalent of herpes, Sex Tape is an uncomfortable embarrassment to raunchy comedies everywhere. Fortunately, no medication is required after being exposed to it: The effects are not permanent, only painful.

It's not the sort of movie you watch; it's the sort that assaults you.

As for comic rhythm, director Nadia Tass has no clue. [10 Aug 1991, p.E1]

The fight sequences are well handled, the three leads are pleasant (and quite good, it seems, at the martial arts) and the violence is bloodless and amusing, with all kinds of cartoon sound effects thrown in to soften the chop-socky violence. If the audience at a sold-out Saturday afternoon showing I attended is any indication, 3 Ninjas delivers the promised action-packed, empty-headed goods. As long as your age is still in the single digits, that is. [10 Aug 1992, p.C6]

Think for a moment about a film that depends for much of its appeal upon a romance between Michael J. Fox and Helen Slater. No, not as May-December or even July-August, but June-June, as in peers in love. It's Smurf-meets-girl -- not just a mismatch, but a confusion of species. [10 Apr 1987, p.D1]

The movie, which has more than 10 credited producers, feels like one of those slick, for-the-money projects Hollywood studios cook up via graph charts and marketing surveys.

With its convoluted pretentiousness, heavy use of metaphors and obscure references to art, fails to maintain interest.

Cradle boasts a couple of bravura fight and chase scenes but they're stranded amid the predictable and the pedestrian.

What saves Fly Me to the Moon from being a total wash is the actual mission itself.

Momoa, a familiar face from "Game of Thrones" to "Baywatch," has the muscles but not the imposing persona and barbaric presence that Conan requires.

There are more fight scenes in this movie than the first two installments, but the plot is silly and the come-from-behind climax isn't believable. The movie's only asset is Griffith's hammy performance. [30 June 1989, p.H12]

It lacks the simplicity and resonance of classic fairy tales: It's so muddled and belabored, it's hard to imagine the tykes ever staying awake long enough to hear how it all turned out.

Death Sentence would be right at home as one half of "Grindhouse"'s B-movie double bill.

Never reaches this level of devastating loss despite its tragedies, but it's not the dismal bomb that much of the British press claims.

Harmless, mildly enjoyable.

In its early moments, the movie evokes everything from "The Social Network" to "Casino." By the end, the film has become as exciting as a game of Old Maid. R-rated thrillers are hardly ever this dull and listless, but this movie manages to eradicate all of Timberlake’s charisma and makes you flash back to Affleck’s "Paycheck"/"Gigli" era. How does this even happen?

Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man is lightweight, small-screen stuff. It has some genuinely funny moments, especially in the comic repartee between Johnson and Rourke. These guys have a likable chemistry, and they might be worth teaming up again. Next time, let's hope they have a script. [26 Aug 1991, p.C3]

Sitting through Action Jackson was like being dragged through a swamp of sick humor and nauseating violence. I needed a shower afterward. [18 Feb 1988, p.C4]

Road House makes Cocktail look like a documentary. [19 May 1989, p.6]

This is ultimately a movie about highly intelligent people in pursuit of trivial nonsense: At least Mulder and Scully caught a real monster every once in a while.

Whether his character is happy, sad, angry or scared, Spade affects precisely the same knowing smirk and sarcastic delivery. This one-note style makes him a funny stand-up comedian. But in a role, it's usually pure amateur hour.

The body part joke to alien joke ratio seems slightly skewed in favor of the former, which makes the humor more than a little repetitive. How many different ways can one film say: "Men are idiots"?

The movie is less painful than having your kidneys removed, but Turistas doesn't offer a trip entertaining enough to take.

Attention-getting it is. Entertaining, too. But meaningful? Are you kidding? [22 Jul 1984, p.D1]

The overwhelming sensation of deja vu is exhausting and disorienting. You really HAVE seen it all before.

There are three or four big laughs scattered throughout The Pink Panther 2, along with a smattering of decent chuckles. But all those moments combined account for maybe five minutes of screen time, which leaves you with another hour and a half of movie to sit through.

The film's highlight is that rarest of action sequences, the boat-car chase (happily for River Rescue, there's a good highway right by the water!). Striking Distance, which was directed by the aptly named Rowdy Herrington (Road House ), has few other surprises. [18 Sept 1993, p.G5]

Something Borrowed commits the most fatal mistake of all: Its characters are so deeply uninteresting that the audience can't get invested in their eventual happiness.

Christina Ricci is the best thing about this otherwise misguided, retro remake of the 1965 movie that starred Hayley Mills. [09 Aug 1997, p.2G]

The best story here is the one about how Stolen Summer made it to the screen; that's more compelling than anything that happens in Pete's world.

Bordello of Blood isn't quite awful, but there's nothing in it better than its catchy title. [19 Aug 1996, p.2C]

Take away the art direction, and Johnny Mnemonic is nothing more than a clunky chase flick, done with little skill or subtlety. [27 May 1995, p.6G]

License to Drive takes too much license with its nuttiness, playing wacky moments to the point where the comedy sputters. [06 July 1988, p.D6]

The movie isn't terribly well written, and the acting is rarely more than OK, but there's one character who brightens the screen. Seth Green plays Ronald's pain-in-the-neck kid brother Chuckie, and he's as droll as Frankie and Annette's kid in Back to the Beach. [14 Aug 1987, p.D5]

If heavy gore is your kind of entertainment, you'll get a buzz out of The Fly II. But be warned -- don't take a squeamish date. [13 Feb 1989, p.C7]

A curiously inert and talky action picture about good-looking mutants on the run from bad (but equally good-looking) ones, Push wastes a decent idea and stylish direction on a script that's much more Ingmar Bergman than Stan Lee.

When The Guardian isn't goofy, it's as dull as plywood and just as thin. [01 May 1990, p.C4]

Universal Soldier, for all its sound and fury, isn't much fun. [15 July 1992, p.E5]

Hershey isn't bad in the role of the victim; she looks durable and acts like a survivor. And Furie does throw in a couple of nifty scares between the rapes, which are gratuitous and disturbing. The rest of the film is by-the-numbers B-movie thriller. [09 Feb 1983, p.D6]

This film, directed by Curb Your Enthusiasm's Robert Weide, makes an entertaining companion piece to his book.

Born American was made in Finland, a first feature by two Finnish directors. Their government reportedly stopped financing the project in mid-production and eventually disowned it. The guess here is that the reason for this was not so much fear of offending the Great Red Neighbor as it was simple embarrassment. [01 Sep 1986, p.D5]

Such a bad movie that its luckiest viewers will be seated next to one of those ignorant pinheads who talk throughout the show.

Masters of the Universe is an enjoyable escape, borrowing rather successfully from E.T., Star Wars and Back to the Future. [17 Aug 1987, p.C5]

A spectacularly mediocre movie.

Stealth is basically the kind of movie a 13-year-old boy given an infinite budget and creative freedom might cook up between Xbox games.

The best stuff in Jumper comes early, while the movie is still busy explaining its scenario. It's only when all the pieces are in place and the story actually kicks in that things start to fall apart, and quickly.

If only someone had recognized the inherent vileness of the premise, we might not have been subjected to this hideous Rumor at all.

We're subjected to 80 minutes of butt- kicking -- most of it contrived and flatly staged -- in Speakman's embarrassing debut, The Perfect Weapon. [19 Mar 1991, p.C5]

At least the special effects in Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen are remarkable: You never tire of the endless variations of robots Bay and his computer-generated effects crew come up with.

The movie still manages to unearth laughs, some of them pretty big, especially once Shanté's program is under way.

The best thing you can say about Scooby-Doo is that Matthew Lillard makes a really, really good Shaggy.

Its frights are not that chilling or original, its secrets more run-of-the-mill than astounding.

In the end, for all its auto-erotic flair, Gone in 60 Seconds is missing a money shot.

The film is well-scrubbed of anything resembling sexuality, more a nonthreatening fairy tale than the romantic drama it aims to be. Its appeal flies straight to the hearts of 13-year-old girls.

The music is of course majestic, blending well with a loving cinematography.

McCarthy wanders around this movie like he's lost. You'll suffer the same fate in Kansas. [23 Sep 1988, p.E5]

An invasion of the body snatchers is preferable to realizing that the true horror perpetrated here is not on the characters but on the audience.

An annoying, tedious little film.

For all its tangle of characters and plot twists, Van Helsing isn't the slightest bit involving, and more than once (especially whenever Beckinsale is onscreen), it is unintentionally hilarious. But it's the rare kind of movie where the badness just adds to the fun.

The most remarkable failure of the film is that the principals don't seem even to like each other very much, despite their habit of facing the future arm in arm. There's a lot of cute flesh up on the screen, signifying nothing. [28 June 1985, p.D1]

A horror/sci-fi/action mishmash that aims to be the kind of brainless timekiller once used to round out the bottom of a double bill at the drive-in.

The movie's only value is in unwittingly defining more clearly how played out the whole transgressing-boundaries-as-art thing has become.

Does the movie bear any relation to the video game? Not much. Do the dinosaur effects steal Jurassic Park's thunder? Keep dreaming. Will kids want to see it? Depends on how big Nintendo fans they are. Super Mario Bros. is like watching somebody else play a video game: It's flashy, colorful and wholly uninvolving. [29 May 1993, p.5]

An unsalvageable wreck.

As expected, Kevin Costner is witty and personable in Revenge. The movie isn't nearly as charming. It overstays its welcome with a story that's not gripping enough to fill half its two-hour running time. [21 Feb 1990, p.D4]

Take away Once Upon a Crime's star-studded cast and sunny Monte Carlo vistas and what you have left is a dachshund in a green plaid vest. An apt image: The movie is a real dog. [12 March 1992, p.F5]

If Dreamcatcher ultimately feels like an unwieldy pastiche, at least it's never boring.

Unfortunately, The Corsican Brothers isn't very funny. This does not exactly make us nostalgic for other, less purposeful C- and-C films, but it does serve as a sad reminder that their first, Up in Smoke, for all its excesses, was funnier than anything they have been able to manage since. [30 July 1984, p.C5]

Road is about as much fun as a flat tire. [10 Apr 1987, p.D5]

Freddy simply isn't as scary as he used to be, even though Jackie Earle Haley, taking over from Robert Englund in the role, plays Krueger essentially straight, keeping the one-liners to a minimum.

The movie itself frustrates by guarding the secret of Walsch's newfound spirituality.

It's full of lively and crude sexual banter, discussions of hookups and sex and Joel McHale's bare butt. Oddly, all this makes the film funnier and more accessible than you might imagine.

In Happy Tears, Posey lands a juicy starring role designed to showcase her eccentric energy, and she's so delighted by the opportunity that her happiness infuses the movie: She keeps the first half of Happy Tears aloft on a cloud of endearing tics and mannerisms.

The third -- and thinnest and weakest and least funny -- installment in Ice Cube's popular Friday series.

First-time writer-director Robert Resnikoff's visual style is bland at best, and his script has nothing memorable in it -- except for unbelievable occurrences. [12 Apr 1990, p.F8]

Exhausts you with its derivative stupidity, leaving you weak and bored and weary of comedy that's not funny, action that's not exciting, dialogue that's not clever. It's not even an adequate rip-off of the TV show.

What a mere adult reviewer has to say about this 70-minute film is probably irrelevant. Pokémon fans will see it -- and love it -- regardless.

Unless you're a constipated horse or a lover of truly tasteless cinema, A Fine Mess is one you don't want to wander into. [8 Aug 1986, p.D15]

Applegate is fun to watch; I'll bet she can act, though nothing here tests her. Stephen Herek may even be able to direct. But on this evidence, who could tell? [08 June 1991, p.E5]

For the first time in the film series, Harris wrote the screenplay himself, which means the movie is practically identical to the book. In other words, they both stink.

Freejack is among the most incoherent sci-fi action films we've seen in a while, despite the credentials of producer- screenwriter Ronald Shusett, who brought us Total Recall and Alien. [24 Jan 1992, p.G5]

And because it is less bound by formula -- less stupid, if that can be comprehended -- than Porky's, Screwballs is funnier. That is not saying much, but Screwballs was not conceived as a film for scholarly inquiry. If you like naked women posing as high-school cheerleaders, your moment has arrived.

A $100 million production of a 10-cent script, is so clunkily written, so bereft of any engaging ideas or emotions, you'd think De Palma would have sneered at it on first reading and passed