Ultima's character has been corrupted and trammelled into a grotesque parody of itself in Ultima Forever. This game is a desecration.

This game gets a low score because there is no point to it.

And thanks to poor ball physics, the ball can quickly get stuck in a "loop" of identical bounces against indestructible blocks if you're unlucky.

You might somehow eke a crumb of satisfaction out of discovering new weapons, but the chances are it'll just make you want to boot up the real thing on a home console. The sooner this stench of mobile putrefaction is buried out of sight, the happier we'll all be.

The controls are awful, the camera is beyond appalling, the graphics are hideous, the environments are bare, the gameplay is unbearably repetitive and the whole thing is an utter chore to play.

Developer Beenox showed in the past, with Shattered Dimensions, that it not only has fresh ideas for Spidey but the development chops to create a polished and impressive game built around the character. There's none of that inspiration or attention to detail here.

With humour too dumb to even be offensive and one-note gameplay blighted by clumsy design, it's really only possible to cede Yaiba a couple of plus points: wading into zombies with a katana is moderately amusing even in this shonky form, and some of the jokes might raise a smile if you've recently suffered a head injury.

Seriously, it's hard to justify Bakushow in a world where Pictochat exists for free, as every critic in the world will probably point out.

As a game, though, it's so cripplingly inane it makes me want to eat my own teeth and replace them with sweetcorn prongs.

With literally hundreds of better classic games out there to choose from, it's absolutely mystifying that something that's aged as badly as Yie Ar Kung-Fu can be held aloft as some sort of period piece worth re-investigating.

The gameplay in Undercover: Dual Motives consists entirely of finding a thing, using it to do a thing, then having a conversation with someone who tells you you need to find another thing, and going to find the thing. There is no sense of suspense or mystery whatsoever.

Citadels is a sorry mess that should be avoided. Perhaps the developers will fix at least the basic functions in a few months but there is nothing here that raises any hope that it will even match its competitors then.

The world did not need this Leisure Suit Larry game, and it does not need any more.

AMF Bowling Pinbusters is like Wii Sports bowling only several thousand times less good. The game mechanics are awful and the presentation is a disgrace.

Although it shows some early promise, MindsEye is sunk by a ridiculous story, inconsistent writing, poorly designed mission scenarios, and utterly atrocious combat.

The art style, character models and environments had the shonkiness of a shareware title at the time, so seeing them run in high definition is hardly going to help. Avoid, avoid, avoid.

Flushed Away is absolute toilet. Sorry, again (but not as sorry as anyone involved in making the game should be).

But even if the controls did work properly, the level design and enemy AI are so stultifyingly generic that it feels like the last 12 years of game design didn't happen.

Feels like a total waste of time, and if we had any white boots right now we'd ram our studs through its rubbish cover so it could never bother us again.

It pains me to say it, but Sonic Boom needs to be the last noise we hear from the blue hedgehog for a very long time.

To make matters worse, you get sent back to a tedious menu screen every single time you learn one of the hundreds of thousands of stupid moves.

A total dud. There is nothing here that I wouldn't rather do with my PC thanks to a combination of poor feature quality, crap interface, storage limitations, stunted functionality and - let's bring something else into the equation - an hilariously optimistic price.

Up against World at War, Killzone 2 and Halo 3, it's a complete joke. The worst FPS I've played since Turning Point: Fall of Liberty.

Let's not beat about the bush and get straight to the obvious: Simpsons Skateboarding is diabolical... a cash-in in the purest sense of the term.

Whoever, wherever, whatever you are, there is absolutely zero reason to own this atrocious excuse for a video game.

Even if GTi Club Supermini Festa was a tenth of the price you'd be hard pressed to justify buying it. Its existence in 2010 is entirely redundant.

Anything that was good about Dead Island has been crudely ripped out, and whatever remains has been served up in such a way that it simply isn't fun, even at the basic "look at me, I'm killing zombies" level.

Legendary is the gaming equivalent of cheap supermarket own-brand beans, but instead of costing eleven pence it costs the same as a prime steak cooked by a top chef. It's a bad, bad game. One of the worst I've played on this generation of consoles, in fact. In that regard, at least, the title is surprisingly accurate.