Read User Reviews and Submit your own for Noah - Page 3

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sirkelMar 29, 2014

This movie has zero to do with the true Noah in the Bible, and should be considered blasphemy against the truth of God's history provided for us in the Bible. This is typical Hollywood garbage trying to make money from the hype that followedThis movie has zero to do with the true Noah in the Bible, and should be considered blasphemy against the truth of God's history provided for us in the Bible. This is typical Hollywood garbage trying to make money from the hype that followed the popularity of that Bible TV show. Apparently they missed the point they need to follow the real story of the Bible not a made up fantasy using Bible characters and general story back drop. I can just see people who know little to nothing about the truth actually think this is what really happened. Sad very sad indeed, but what should we expect from immoral establishment media who hates Christianity and truth.… Expand

17 of 38 users found this helpful1721

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antmolly1995Mar 29, 2014

There's a well worn phrase "if it ain't broke don't fix it". Why Aronofsky felt the need to tamper with an epic story that would/could have been thrilling and thought provoking in it's unadulterated form baffles me.

What we've been givenThere's a well worn phrase "if it ain't broke don't fix it". Why Aronofsky felt the need to tamper with an epic story that would/could have been thrilling and thought provoking in it's unadulterated form baffles me.

What we've been given instead is a crude lecture on environmentalism fused with an utterly corrupted Bible account and a large dose of misanthrope thrown in for good measure.

I hope this bombs at the box office and forces everyone involved with this rubbish to give pause for thought.… Expand

23 of 40 users found this helpful2317

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paulmarsMar 29, 2014

Are you kidding me? What, they ran out of comic book super-heroes to make blockbusters out of so Hollywood is resorting to Bible characters?
And even a bible-based movie has to have talking sci-fi monsters to sell tickets to the massesAre you kidding me? What, they ran out of comic book super-heroes to make blockbusters out of so Hollywood is resorting to Bible characters?
And even a bible-based movie has to have talking sci-fi monsters to sell tickets to the masses these days?
I predict in 20 years people then will be laughing at just how cheezy movies today were - like people laugh today at Godzilla movies from the 60s.

Besides that, it basically was horrible in most every other way. Bad acting, fight scene after fight scene, boring CGI scenery. God help us!… Expand

16 of 31 users found this helpful1615

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hayceelynt_2Mar 29, 2014

I can't believe how many positive reviews there are from professional critics! Were they threatened?! Bribed?! Or did they just see a different movie than me.

This has surely got to be an early contender for worst movie of the year.

18 of 32 users found this helpful1814

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TwentyTwotwentyMar 30, 2014

Firstly I should admit that I saw this movie for free - and it was still too expensive. Preachy eco-twaddle delivered through wooden performances in an epic marathon of sheer boredom.

The movie consists of vacant stares into the distance,Firstly I should admit that I saw this movie for free - and it was still too expensive. Preachy eco-twaddle delivered through wooden performances in an epic marathon of sheer boredom.

The movie consists of vacant stares into the distance, a nonsensical script, a fight scene from LOTR all interjected by some random documentary clips. The acting in the crying, emotive, scenes was laughable.

I gave this movie one star for the only actor who gave a convincing performance - Emma Watson. To put how terrible this movie was into context - the people beside us in the cinema began playing games on their mobiles about half way through the movie.… Expand

9 of 18 users found this helpful99

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LightninWillMar 30, 2014

Average acting, overly grandiose soundtrack, jittery cinematography, and ridiculous special effects that were often poorly executed make this a waste of money, time, and a good piece of fiction known as the Bible. I agree with those who haveAverage acting, overly grandiose soundtrack, jittery cinematography, and ridiculous special effects that were often poorly executed make this a waste of money, time, and a good piece of fiction known as the Bible. I agree with those who have called this movie a cross between "Transformers" and "Waterworld". Add "The 300" and you get a blood and water soaked disaster movie that had me wishing that Noah's poorly constructed ark would just sink and get it over with.… Expand

12 of 28 users found this helpful1216

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tuneintofansMar 31, 2014

first of all they get almost everything wrong. If you are going to do a historic piece, you should at least try to keep the story correct. only the names re the same and there is an arc full of animals and birds, etc. that is where it endsfirst of all they get almost everything wrong. If you are going to do a historic piece, you should at least try to keep the story correct. only the names re the same and there is an arc full of animals and birds, etc. that is where it ends being the story of noah. Cain kills Able and starts an industrial society, according to the narrator, but since when did people in an industrialized society still run around in ragged clothes and animal skins and use clubs and swords? And then fallen angels come down to help mankind and are crusted with volcanic rock as punishment from God. That's so wrong, I'm not even going there. And it just gets worse. Noah is supposedly given the decision to save or destroy all of mankind, by God, and he chooses to destroy all. so this is offensive not only Christians, but to anyone who ever saw a great story come to screen, and it was all screwed up by Hollywood.… Expand

16 of 29 users found this helpful1613

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achomefrontApr 1, 2014

The only reason this is evening scoring a one is simply for the actors.
I could present this deep philosophical review, however wish to spare all the painful reading and get to the point. This is NOT a depiction of Noah as in the Bible.The only reason this is evening scoring a one is simply for the actors.
I could present this deep philosophical review, however wish to spare all the painful reading and get to the point. This is NOT a depiction of Noah as in the Bible. There are ridiculous rock monsters called watchers, the desire of Noah to end all humanity and his denial of entry to anyone in the Ark. All FALSE. I am not against anyone wishing to place their own spin on any story, however warn your audience this is not a biblical movie but a fantastical version. I walked in believing our family was going to enjoy the retelling of an amazing biblical story only to leave early and have wasted 52.00 dollars.

In conclusion, if you wish to see a biblical version, pass.
If you just wish to be slightly entertained, go.… Expand

10 of 26 users found this helpful1016

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bartmirApr 5, 2014

What a waste of money! I am not a very religious person but I found it disrespectful to the Bible and religion. In two words lame and stupid. They missed the opportunity of making a great film.

5 of 12 users found this helpful57

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WakeForestNCApr 18, 2014

Transformer rocks and that's all you need to know about this nonsensical fantasy film. Bad, very bad. The liberal film critics liked Noah more due to it's left leaning Biblical story.

1 of 6 users found this helpful15

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itsjustmeonlymeApr 12, 2014

not even close to the bible. what a let down. The sad thing is some will watch it and think that was what the bible said. Very sad. If only it would have been called by another name. It might have been an o.k. story.

1 of 6 users found this helpful15

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sewandsewsApr 27, 2014

Dont waste youre money or youre time on this one, if you are going to make a Biblical epic at least follow the story. This was Holly Wood at its worst making things up as it goes along, worst film i have ever seen.
Total fabrication and notDont waste youre money or youre time on this one, if you are going to make a Biblical epic at least follow the story. This was Holly Wood at its worst making things up as it goes along, worst film i have ever seen.
Total fabrication and not in the same league as other epics like "Ben Hur", "The Robe", "Ten Commandments", it was just drivel.… Expand

3 of 8 users found this helpful35

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surfnow3May 25, 2014

As a Christian, I can accept somethings about this movie that could be in the bible. For example there is no mention of people wanting to get onto Noahs ark in the bible. However I am sure during this time period, people probably thought NoahAs a Christian, I can accept somethings about this movie that could be in the bible. For example there is no mention of people wanting to get onto Noahs ark in the bible. However I am sure during this time period, people probably thought Noah was crazy, but I have little doubt that they tried to get on, with the impending doom. The rock monsters I am not so sure about.

What was ridiculous is when Noah flipped out and wanted to kill the unborn. Utter nonsense.… Expand

1 of 5 users found this helpful14

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AliasAndrewJul 11, 2014

I am a longtime fan of the director so my disappointment here is massive. In a nutshell it is a pro-veganism, pro-ecology,pro-self-hating,pro-social isolation and anti-progress gritty reboot of the known tale of the Bible. The main problemI am a longtime fan of the director so my disappointment here is massive. In a nutshell it is a pro-veganism, pro-ecology,pro-self-hating,pro-social isolation and anti-progress gritty reboot of the known tale of the Bible. The main problem with this movie and its most unforgivable trait is that it tries sadistically hard to enforce those ideals to the viewer, to the point that it makes the viewer actually hate the protagonist and his headstrong self-righteous opinions. The society it shows of Sodom and Gomorrah is clearly a parallel of our society today. The only things that differentiate it is the lack of iphones and presence of rugs. 'We are evil and deserve to be destroyed' he preaches. 'It is a crime against nature to eat an animal' he says and insinuates by showing a man gutting a lamb with his bare hands and eating it raw. This is the work of a raging misanthropist wrapped in a Michael Bay exterior so the masses he hates so much will flock and pay to watch his delirium. Despite sharing some of his views,I cannot help but hate this unprecedented ideological enforcement and the movie as a whole as a result. If you can ignore all of the above, the movie has some strong visuals and performances by the cast and maybe you should give it a go. If not stay away.… Expand

3 of 6 users found this helpful33

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miteshuJul 31, 2014

from now on when people tell me to stop waiting my time i will think in this movie, seariously dont watch it. unless you are really a religious one (fanatic), cheers.

0 of 1 users found this helpful01

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pictouAug 30, 2014

I like Russel Crowe. I think he is generally under rated but this movies was awful. Seriously bad. Whether you are religious or not it is still bad. Don't waste your time-i saw it on an airplane so i take some solace in that

0 of 1 users found this helpful01

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HannahKOct 7, 2017

It's hared to adequately put in to words how horrible Noah is. There's nothing really that I can add that hasn't already been said. Avoid at all costs.

0 of 2 users found this helpful02

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fantasyMar 30, 2014

Let me preface my remarks by stating I am not one of those religious fanatics as I could care less. The public gets hosed again by the bought & paid for professional critics. This movie is so bad and boring, that you almost hope, the entireLet me preface my remarks by stating I am not one of those religious fanatics as I could care less. The public gets hosed again by the bought & paid for professional critics. This movie is so bad and boring, that you almost hope, the entire planet gets washed away. Somewhere PT Barnum is smiling as it's true a sucker is born every minute. How can a professional critic with even an ounce of dignity not expose this film for the crap it truly is. Anthony Hopkins has about 4 minutes of screen time. He has to be embarrassed by his performance in this dreadful movie. Russell Crowe as Noah is mentally deranged. You don't care one iota about any of the characters. Rock Monsters built the arc? Where were the transformers? LOL And just when you thought the movie is mercifully over, it goes on and on and never ends. How ludicrous was this. It starts to rain. About a minute later the dam breaks from below ground and everyone is washed away. Why would the Creator, by the way, never mentioned as G-d, have it rain for one minute and then a minute later water is everywhere as if a broken water main. I wouldn't watch this movie again on free TV. Avoid at all costs.… Expand

8 of 18 users found this helpful810

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NazguleroJul 19, 2014

As a filmmaker, I would simply be ashamed to present this garbage to an audience. Sub par CGI, horrible acting, dialogue that makes you cringe. The costume department must have had an off day as well. Just awful.

1 of 5 users found this helpful14

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IsotopesamJul 13, 2014

Forget that the movie completely ignores the actual Noah story and puts an environmentalist spin on it. The look of the movie wasn't good even. Everything looks bleak. The graphics did not impress me. it looked outdated, in fact. Couldn'tForget that the movie completely ignores the actual Noah story and puts an environmentalist spin on it. The look of the movie wasn't good even. Everything looks bleak. The graphics did not impress me. it looked outdated, in fact. Couldn't they have designed the Rock monsters a little better? I know Scifi channel could have done a better job. The story was dull, the characters cranky, and in the end, it all seem pointless. Aronofsky ruined the character of Noah and turned him into a maniac.
I'm concerned that future generations will turn to this movie and consider this trash as the actual Noah story when it is pure blasphemy and far from what's told in the Bible.… Expand

1 of 4 users found this helpful13

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SpazzBrozzMar 28, 2014

I want to know who is responsible for the story of this film; whoever it was needs to be fired... immediately! I believe fiction can only be taken so far. 0/10 would not watch.

21 of 40 users found this helpful2119

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NagromNniuqApr 20, 2014

This movies is a waste of money, both in the production of and the going to see of. Not only does it not follow the actual story of Noah, it is fully of absurd situations and creatures that have no real bearing on the story being told. TheThis movies is a waste of money, both in the production of and the going to see of. Not only does it not follow the actual story of Noah, it is fully of absurd situations and creatures that have no real bearing on the story being told. The agnostic and environmentalist agenda is being pushed so hard that it detracts seriously from the movie as a whole regardless of what religion or view point you are coming from. It takes away from what could have been an entertaining movie, that was about something other than the story of Noah, and instead makes it a mixmash of explosions, special effects, poor acting and lines, that is painful to sit through. Sad.… Expand

2 of 7 users found this helpful25

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C-MoneyApr 4, 2014

What a waste of good potential. Strike 1: it's a perversion of a Biblical story. Strike 2: it drags into an overly-dramatic, slogging mess after the midpoint. It could have been so much more. Save your money.

4 of 13 users found this helpful49

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franissavioMar 29, 2014

What on heaven was this? I've always wondered how Noah build the ARK. Now, I know ROCK MONSTeRS did, lol. What were those people wearing Jeans n leather boots pathetic costume department. I still don't know how I survived 2 1/2 hrs ofWhat on heaven was this? I've always wondered how Noah build the ARK. Now, I know ROCK MONSTeRS did, lol. What were those people wearing Jeans n leather boots pathetic costume department. I still don't know how I survived 2 1/2 hrs of Aronofsky's plague.… Expand

14 of 30 users found this helpful1416

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RTFORDApr 14, 2014

Like many of the other 'user reviews', I didn't expect to see an exact representation of the biblical account, but I did expect to see a movie that included the basic facts of the 'Noah' story. Unfortunately, this debacle was so far removedLike many of the other 'user reviews', I didn't expect to see an exact representation of the biblical account, but I did expect to see a movie that included the basic facts of the 'Noah' story. Unfortunately, this debacle was so far removed from the original story that I'm tempted to call it intentional blasphemy and I'm left wondering whether God will hold the author or authors accountable. My wife and I nearly left the theater when the 'Watchers' were introduced but managed to endure until Russell Crowe told his family that they all would die, implying that God only used them to build a boat to save the animals. Disgusting!… Expand

4 of 13 users found this helpful49

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Rossi163Mar 31, 2014

I hereby contribute a series of two word mini-reviews of the film, Noah.

unintentionally hilarious

astoundingly ridiculous

dramatic tripe

transparent hollywood-ism

offensively presumptuous

8 of 18 users found this helpful810

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LowbrowCinemaMar 29, 2014

NOAH is overproduced and just plain awful. Metacritic requires 150 characters but I can't come up with any more to describe this total vapid mess of a movie.

13 of 26 users found this helpful1313

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ydoc16Mar 31, 2014

A Horrible perversion of everything the bible teaches, whats worse is it seems to push a vegan/environmentalist/atheistic point of view down the viewers throat. It's not a movie so much as it seems to be propaganda by the director.

9 of 18 users found this helpful99

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guitarone47Aug 3, 2014

This film was created for the sole purpose of making fun of the Bible and spit in the face to Christians. Is horribly inaccurate on purpose and Noah looks like a psychopath. Do fallen angels wanted to help the man? Think before you shoot thisThis film was created for the sole purpose of making fun of the Bible and spit in the face to Christians. Is horribly inaccurate on purpose and Noah looks like a psychopath. Do fallen angels wanted to help the man? Think before you shoot this smoked marijuana, pure chlorine injected and even licked a poisonous frog.… Expand

1 of 4 users found this helpful13

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ZadeusJan 25, 2015

This review contains spoilers, click expand to view. This movie was simply the WORST and I mean that. It tries to be a fantasy movie based on truth and fails in so many ways. The heavy-handed christian morals being shoved in your eyes none stop just makes it plain unbearable. Oh did I mention the angel/rock-monsters that actually do most of the ark building? Give this travesty of a movie a really wide berth.… Expand

0 of 1 users found this helpful01

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StahlApr 7, 2014

How could anyone possibly think the special effects were any good? The Watchers were almost funny in their ridiculousness - they definitely took you out of the movie every time they appeared on screen. Aronofsky bragged that none of theHow could anyone possibly think the special effects were any good? The Watchers were almost funny in their ridiculousness - they definitely took you out of the movie every time they appeared on screen. Aronofsky bragged that none of the animals were real - NO JOKE. They were anything but. Watch 'The Life of Pi' for some incredible CGI animals (I still can't believe the Lion was not real). Muddles story, poor execution and sometimes painful to sit through. I could care less if this adheres to the biblical story - just do it well.… Expand

3 of 10 users found this helpful37

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junofotoMar 28, 2014

This review contains spoilers, click expand to view. I can't believe Hollywood is going so low, What exactly is this story, I understand you smoke strong stuff but give the world this, is unacceptable, definitely something need to fixe at Hollywood. I need a refund cuz Noah is a crap.… Expand

11 of 25 users found this helpful1114

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racer10Mar 29, 2014

Just saw the movie and it is pure garbage from almost any point of view ,such as , script , acting , costumes, sets . I nearly walked out several times . Any "critic" who rates more than 2 stars don't ever trust again , they don't have a clue.

12 of 24 users found this helpful1212

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WarKittensMar 29, 2014

I learned some things from this movie! Apparently Methuselah was Gandalf! And Noah built the ark with the help of rock elementals! And "righteous in the eyes of God" means "psychotic homicidal maniac"! And when the Bible says "Noah and ShemI learned some things from this movie! Apparently Methuselah was Gandalf! And Noah built the ark with the help of rock elementals! And "righteous in the eyes of God" means "psychotic homicidal maniac"! And when the Bible says "Noah and Shem and Ham and Japeth, the sons of Noah, and Noah's wife and the three wives of his sons with them, entered the ark" it REALLY means "Noah, his wife, his kids, Shem's wife, and this guy who snuck on board and tried to kill Noah"! And those explicit instructions in Genesis for how to build the ark? Really that was a cryptic acid trip where nothing was really explained. Thank you Darren Aronofsky for setting me straight. I thought that I knew how to read, but apparently I was wrong! And thank you Russel Crowe for your most dynamic performance yet!

for those who can't tell, this is all sarcasm.… Expand

16 of 28 users found this helpful1612

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FantasygirlMar 29, 2014

Absolutely horrible! They made Noah look like a fumbling idiot, chasing down his daughter-n-law trying to murder her twin babies because God said only a certain amount could live. He doubted God in the movie and had no hope. The worst partAbsolutely horrible! They made Noah look like a fumbling idiot, chasing down his daughter-n-law trying to murder her twin babies because God said only a certain amount could live. He doubted God in the movie and had no hope. The worst part was the rock monsters with glowing eyes who helped build the ark! Say what???????????????????? What the heck? This was more science fiction then biblical. Who came up with rock monsters???? I couldn't believe my eyes! Worse movie ever! The only thing that resembled the bible story was the name Noah, an ark, rain, and the dove. And get this! The villain in the movie even stowes away with them on the ark after the earth has flooded and Noah's son helps plan his father's murder! Say what? Horrible movie!!!! Don't waste your precious money. I want mine back!… Expand

16 of 30 users found this helpful1614

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n0junkMar 29, 2014

If you eat meat then you must die... well that is what this movie is about. Humans are evil because we eat meat and need to be wiped off the earth. The action in the movie was outweighed by the boring boat ride. I noticed a bunch of peopleIf you eat meat then you must die... well that is what this movie is about. Humans are evil because we eat meat and need to be wiped off the earth. The action in the movie was outweighed by the boring boat ride. I noticed a bunch of people walk out at that point. I would have too if I hadn't been with some friends. Turns out I wasn't the only one in my group that wanted to walk out. Not only am I mad that I paid for the movie, but I probably won't watch another movie in theaters for a while. Yep, that bad.… Expand

13 of 24 users found this helpful1311

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MrWestsideMar 30, 2014

A story from the bible meets science fiction with rock monsters!?!? What were they thinking? Would have definitely skipped this movie if the trailer showed how truly ridiculous it is. The rock monsters are not shown in the movie trailer at all!

8 of 17 users found this helpful89

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RST303Mar 30, 2014

I have never written a movie review before but this one cries for one. This was absolutely one of the most boring movies I have ever seen. Almost every scene was over dramatized and agonizingly drawn-out, resulting in one slow, boringI have never written a movie review before but this one cries for one. This was absolutely one of the most boring movies I have ever seen. Almost every scene was over dramatized and agonizingly drawn-out, resulting in one slow, boring movie. It was painful to watch; I just wanted to walk out. Giant rock monsters built the ark? This film was a total waste of my time - two hours of my life I will never get back. If you need a good nap, go to this movie.… Expand

9 of 22 users found this helpful913

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kechmocashMar 31, 2014

Not Biblical except for a very few references. The special effects were pedestrian, at best. We were so disappointed, having looked forward to the movie. We should have walked out when the first words on the screen were, "In the beginning,Not Biblical except for a very few references. The special effects were pedestrian, at best. We were so disappointed, having looked forward to the movie. We should have walked out when the first words on the screen were, "In the beginning, there was.....nothing"! Or perhaps when the rock beasts showed up! Don't waste your time or money!… Expand

10 of 18 users found this helpful108

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schmoresMar 31, 2014

Confused, baffling, overly violent humourless and contrived, Noah suffers from a complete lack of focus and direction (other than into the belly of a difficultly realised arc) which leaves its actors struggling, its epic set pieces cold andConfused, baffling, overly violent humourless and contrived, Noah suffers from a complete lack of focus and direction (other than into the belly of a difficultly realised arc) which leaves its actors struggling, its epic set pieces cold and its emotional engagement minimal.

Topped with some bizarre outfit choices, a scattering of rock monsters and Ray Winstone typecast as himself you wind up with a quasi sci-fi epic that lacks the cohesive world of Lord of the Rings (surely there was enough source material in the Bible), the gritty post apocalyptic 90s charm of Water World (wheres Dennis Hopper when you need him) and the full on visceral action of Transformers (epic titans falling from the sky sent to protect humanity anyone) all of which it shamelessly apes.

Russel Crowe appearing from the depths of a (very brief) drunken stupor wandering down a beach in a Noah era dinner jacket was really the icing on a 2 1/2 hour struggle.

From the director that brought us the amazing Requiem for a Dream, Black Swan and The Wrestler this is a depressing fall from grace.

Michael Bay all is forgiven.… Expand

12 of 20 users found this helpful128

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VukBrankovicApr 2, 2014

This review contains spoilers, click expand to view. It is just an awful movie. There is no nicer way of saying that. Forgetting the religious objections completely, the movie is long, boring, and not in the least entertaining. When you add to that the fact that it seems engineered to piss Christians and Jews off, you end up wondering what the hell they were thinking.… Expand

7 of 14 users found this helpful77

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officerhansenApr 6, 2014

There is a first for everything. Yesterday, on my 31st birthday something happened around me that I have never before experienced. I am not talking about the dinner with the love of my life eating the love of my life, Pizza, leading up to theThere is a first for everything. Yesterday, on my 31st birthday something happened around me that I have never before experienced. I am not talking about the dinner with the love of my life eating the love of my life, Pizza, leading up to the movie. I am not talking about the romantic walk towards each other that ended up in hot steamy kiss up against the glass of shop on the street outside the theatre. I walked to the street corner after I purchased the tickets for the movie and as I turned my head to my left I saw her, it was like the first time I had seen this woman but I felt the energy from a block away, I knew she had me in her sites. I knew she was determined to run into me, I felt compelled to meet her half way and run into her just as determined. Our bodies collided like two galaxies in outer space. There is no collision more graceful than that of two galaxies. So large, so great, so passionate that when they collide the planets that make them up never hit. The two beautiful forces of our universe dance like they are in love until they settle into one new galaxy. That was us right there on the sidewalk under the streetlight at night just like in the movies. However this is not the first I am speaking of. The night was young and the movie had yet begun. After having a few laughs at the tavern next door, we walked through the crystal clear glass that lead to our horror. With a big bag of mouthwatering popcorn in one hand and a genetically engineered fructose corn syrup soup in the other. Sitting in the third row, we were traditionally set for our feature presentation starring, Rustle Crow. At first I am moved, pulled in by the selflessness of Noah and his sons. I thought I was proud to be in this crowd, so glad to see a movie that did not promote bad. However it was at this moment that I witnessed something I had never seen before! Something that totally made sense but yet none at all. I needed to take a picture so people would believe me when I share it on social media with the world to save them from making the same mistake we made that beautiful night. To save them from not only having to watch this movie but from possibly facing the same fate of those around me. To my right it was happening. Directly in front of me it was happening, I turned to look behind me and it was happening all around me. I thought at first, its ok, this is a dream, pinch yourself you fool this can’t happen in real life. It hurt, I was not sleeping, not yet, but if I subjected myself to this anymore I could end up doing just that. Doing what all the sinners around me were doing, engaging in what seemed to be either a mass suicide attempt or possibly a slumber party. People were sleeping not only around me but on each other. The young couple to my right fell asleep leaning against each other. The mother who sat in front of me separating her husband and son started snoring. People all around were speechless as we were subjected to the glorious acting out of a phycodic script obviously written or directed by a white male animal lover who probably has small ligaments. A white man that feels inferior to woman and children. Scared that one day people will wake up and realize that this is not a white man’s world. But a natural habitat for humanity. Scared that people will realize there is no one greater than our creator who is genderless and colorless. This movie features 100% people with a white ethnic background and a man who tells his sons that he does not believe there should be kings for there is no man greater than our creator. But after the king and his men are killed by the water from above Noah becomes a King, President, Dictator, Ruler, CEO whatever you want to call it, its all the same. He decided who lives and who dies. He decides who will go and who will stay regardless of the thoughts of the people who make up his pride. A man who believes that woman are to serve man and bear children. Only if he wants them to. He cares not what other humans say, he is only interested in carrying out the decisions that take place in his own mind and claims that they are orders from above, from the almighty who works threw no one other than himself. He believes that humans are not animals, that its only ok for lions to eat other animals, for if a human eats another animal he is eating the forbidden fruit. He supports the idea that killing mass quantities of humans is justified for the humans are all sinners. My take on this movie is that if you believe you are getting orders from god, you should act them out regardless of the thoughts of others around you even if it involves killing babies that are one day old or making mankind extinct. That murdering most the world population if not all is not only justified but glorious in the evolution of our Garden of Eden which we of the modern world refer to as planet earth, the third rock from the sun.… Expand

3 of 12 users found this helpful39

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BingBongApr 8, 2014

I usually can't be bothered to write reviews, but 'NOAH' was so bad I've even gone to the trouble of creating an account (yep, another password to forget) in order to share this. Oh grief, 'NOAH is rubbish. Russell Crowe did his usual halfI usually can't be bothered to write reviews, but 'NOAH' was so bad I've even gone to the trouble of creating an account (yep, another password to forget) in order to share this. Oh grief, 'NOAH is rubbish. Russell Crowe did his usual half asleep lump of acting except when he was required to become a gladiator and kill someone, Anthony Hopkins (who has seemingly cornered the market in twinkly wisdom) twinkled and Ray Winstone looked menacing (as he always does, so no change there) About the only actor who was remotely convincing was Jennifer Connelly, emoting like a steam train on heat. Directing was lumpen and the special effects (such as they were) scored about 3/10 on the special effects scale while the script was devoid of both humanity and humour, everyone talking in constipated statements and trying to look serious. Why don't they hire people who know how to write?

OK, having got that off my chest, let's be constructive. As with most films, you have to either go big or go small. A tight, intense drama of family tension, madness, incest and infanticide inside a big boat, written by a proper writer and well acted, might work. Or something OTT with special effects and cataclysmic events coming along every ten minutes or so, I could see that working as well. But this film was neither. It lasted about five years, the first year of which was tedious, the next year a little better (Ray Winstone inventing - would you believe - a primitive gun), then a year of special effects (yep, when it started to rain) and finally 3 years of more tedium. At the very least, someone should have been sea-sick.

Russell Crowe might be a great actor (the point is moot) but he can't do mad, in the same way that Tilda Swinton (now there is someone who can act) can't do comedy. Sorry, I digress.

Well, that's it. Go and see it if you like, but frankly, save your money.

Zero points.… Expand

3 of 10 users found this helpful37

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MemetoApr 15, 2014

Saw it yesterday. Just made an account to write this. What a waste of time, money, humor.... You name it. Went out of the movie very disappointed, a little angry too. Story sucks, play sucks, effects sucks. I rate with 1 for those who tookSaw it yesterday. Just made an account to write this. What a waste of time, money, humor.... You name it. Went out of the movie very disappointed, a little angry too. Story sucks, play sucks, effects sucks. I rate with 1 for those who took the time to get together one of the worste movie ever.… Expand

2 of 7 users found this helpful25

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FnacyApr 15, 2014

What should have been an at least 'so bad its good' disaster movie, compounded to create one of the most drab and dull films i've seen in cinema for years. Each line feels as though it drags on longer than its previous, the script in itselfWhat should have been an at least 'so bad its good' disaster movie, compounded to create one of the most drab and dull films i've seen in cinema for years. Each line feels as though it drags on longer than its previous, the script in itself as wooden and repetitive as the acting. And one of the most irritating pauses after each and every line to try and emphasise the 'cleansing' or whatever drivel the actor/actress was spouting. I couldn't care less about it's religious inaccuracies, as long as you make it a decent story, but unfortunately the film fails on both accounts. Not worth anyones time.… Expand

2 of 10 users found this helpful28

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glgApr 16, 2014

"Noah" is the worst movie my two friends and I have ever seen in a theater -- and we're in our 60s and love movies, so that's saying a lot. (And no, we aren't religious fanatics.) It's so bad it's laughable, beginning with the Adam and Eve"Noah" is the worst movie my two friends and I have ever seen in a theater -- and we're in our 60s and love movies, so that's saying a lot. (And no, we aren't religious fanatics.) It's so bad it's laughable, beginning with the Adam and Eve sequence to the Hobbit-ripoff rock monsters. The plot is boring and so full of plot holes (including a huge tent that the characters just happen to put together out of backpacks) that it's beyond stupid.. The acting is bad, even though we all three usually love Crowe. It was like the actors were cringing at having to put up with anything so moronic. Don't waste your money!… Expand

2 of 7 users found this helpful25

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ZisckyApr 22, 2014

Is 2014 a magnet to biblical movies?Despite the spot on performance from Emma it just feels like...i don't know 'reverse sci-fi' with too much imagination

5 of 11 users found this helpful56

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howardbeensMay 2, 2014

Saw this movie for free and was angry I spent so much to get in. HORRIFIC! Only thing it has to do with Noah is the title. The actual biblical account of Noah could have made a fantastic movie, this was a bad mix of generic Star Wars typeSaw this movie for free and was angry I spent so much to get in. HORRIFIC! Only thing it has to do with Noah is the title. The actual biblical account of Noah could have made a fantastic movie, this was a bad mix of generic Star Wars type characters that didn't belong, muddled dialog, bad cinematography, horrible special effects and extreme violence that seemed to be thrown in just to have extreme violence. Didn't add to the story one whit. Towards the end seemed to be nothing more than a flagrant attempt to paint important Christian figures as weak and evil.… Expand

1 of 9 users found this helpful18

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tyrealsanJul 11, 2014

I just saw this movie and I regret every minute of it. This is the first thing I'm doing after the movie was over, writing a review of how bad it was.

4 of 7 users found this helpful43

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mzup77Aug 19, 2014

I'm going to step away from all religious interpretations and regard this simply on its merits as a film, not as a traditional biblical story. The problem is, it doesn't really have many merits. This film was simply two hours and fifteenI'm going to step away from all religious interpretations and regard this simply on its merits as a film, not as a traditional biblical story. The problem is, it doesn't really have many merits. This film was simply two hours and fifteen minutes of tedium. The special effects are barely worthy of a SyFy Channel original film. The acting is overly hammy and in some cases mind-numbingly wooden, part of which I feel is the part of the script, which eschews actually writing good dialogue for what seems to be just spewing out statements at random. The editing ranges in style from choppy to lingering overly long on mundane, uninteresting scenes. Everything is just...off. As bad as everything else felt, the score was possibly worse. I've never had issue with the work of Clint Mansell before, but for Noah he's opted for a blaring two note score that just keeps screaming the same two flipping horn blasts in your face over and over again. This is also the first time I would ever describe Aronofsky's directing as "ham-fisted". Everything feels overdone, self-indulgent and overproduced. I usually walk out of a Darren Aronofsky film contemplating the themes and mulling it over in my head to uncover deeper meanings. This one only stayed with me as a bad memory.… Expand

3 of 6 users found this helpful33

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BigZAug 29, 2014

I love movies very much and I respect the imagination and time and effort afforded to them. The story of Noah and the ark is a very old, well respected, and loved story, many people believe those events really occurred. When you get theI love movies very much and I respect the imagination and time and effort afforded to them. The story of Noah and the ark is a very old, well respected, and loved story, many people believe those events really occurred. When you get the chance to make a movie that stems directly from The Holy Bible, you would think it would stay knit at the waist with it as far as accuracy and tone. Aronofsky is obviously not a religious man, otherwise he would have had much more respect for the story of Noah and the nature of the characters involved. Portraying Noah, who has been said to have been directly guided by God to save the human race and its righteous moral ideals, as a crazed lunatic who spends most of the movie dazed and confused about his purpose who needs help from giant rock people and who eventually is convinced he needs to kill his family, is quite a slippery direction to take. it doesn't seem to paint a pretty picture of God or his followers. Though I will note that that the title "God" was not even used once in the entire film. From the artsy perspective, this was a well done unique piece of movie making. That explains why a simple bible story made it to such a large scale movie in this day and age. It was warped. Severely. The graphics were impressive and dazzling, the acting performances were polished and sharp, it was coordinated well. But the point of telling the story of Noah and his trials with the flood and the rest of a wicked world and a wicked people, and his dealings with God, got completely lost. Way to go. I cannot support this movie.… Expand

1 of 4 users found this helpful13

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RayDiantOct 5, 2014

This review contains spoilers, click expand to view. A lot of reviews of Noah discuss the straying from the biblical story or other 'spiritual' aspects of the film. As someone who experiences a great movie as a spiritual journey in itself I found Noah to be complete crap. I actually thought the first few minutes (before Mr Crowe appears) were an elaborate piss take of the actual movie (in fact I still am not sure the people who rated this movie highly saw the same movie I did).

The garden of eden scenes were high school project quality. The Watchers, the whacky rock transformer Ent giant things, were rejects from Shrek. The characters are inexplicable and lack depth. His two older sons are just horny at the end of the world. At least the older one gets Emma Watson, even if she is barren (like most of the scenery before the magic seed is planted and a giant forest appears). Ham the middle son is just a sexually frustrated teenager with a tyrant for a father. One of the many non-sensical plot twists is when Ham goes searching for bacon (makin' bacon bacon) in the city and falls into a pit of dead bodies. What does he find? The girl of his (wet) dreams. They climb out as it starts to rain (not end of the world rain just a splattering) and everyone goes crazy stupid berserk. They all start charging for the Ark. Ham's babe gets caught in a bear trap and Noah arrives and forces Ham to leave her there to be trampled by the horde. While all this is going on the older brother is boinking Emma Watson who has been given a womb by Noah's grandfather, nutty berry lusting drugged out medieval hippy, Anthony Hopkins.

Noah somehow gets the notion in his head that his mission is to get the animals going again and kill all the humans. Ok, we are all sinners but no where in the movie does it really say where Noah got this idea. This creates Noah the Nutjob, hell bent on killing his new grandchildren. His wife begs him to punish her and not kill the children. What exactly this means and how this would appease Noah's distored mission from god seems only to indicate that Noah's wife has no understanding that her husband consumption of grandpa's hallucinogenic tea concoctions has had a permanent effect.

This sort of nonsense just keeps coming to the very end of the film. I think Aronofsky, Crowe, and everyon else involved will be forgetting this one is in their reprotoire pretty quick.… Expand

2 of 4 users found this helpful22

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TheLatinoCriticJan 20, 2015

Unbelievable! People call this movie a "Biblical Epic" This movie was not even 3% true! Noah was one of the worst movies of all time. Besides The Interview, there is a movie with poor direction and dialog and that specific movie is Noah. IfUnbelievable! People call this movie a "Biblical Epic" This movie was not even 3% true! Noah was one of the worst movies of all time. Besides The Interview, there is a movie with poor direction and dialog and that specific movie is Noah. If you are thinking about watching this movie, You better think more than twice.… Expand

1 of 4 users found this helpful13

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Movie3Jul 15, 2018

Basically: The unbiblical story of a biblical story...so surprise that an atheist would do that. We might as well make a movie about Pres Obama being a WHITE man. -_- That's how off this is.

0 of 2 users found this helpful02

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XilamechApr 20, 2020

Biblical? Hardly. This is offensive and horribly inaccurate. The next time you decide to make a movie from a story of the Bible, please at least read the story first. I mean, if God wanted all mankind to die, why even bother saving aBiblical? Hardly. This is offensive and horribly inaccurate. The next time you decide to make a movie from a story of the Bible, please at least read the story first. I mean, if God wanted all mankind to die, why even bother saving a single family? He's God. He can literally just will all mankind to die and it happens, no flood, no ark needed, all other living things continue to exist. You turned a champion of the Bible into a psychopath. I'm sure the Jewish community and Christian community are equally affronted by this trash.… Expand

0 of 0 users found this helpful00

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Dostoyevsky3May 7, 2020

Darren Aronofsky's Noah smothers the powerful story by plunging in an extensive use of non-biblical muck. Wrecked the titular character and wasted the film's own potential in an extravaganza of left-leaning political garbage.

0 of 0 users found this helpful00

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koenhamboyFeb 15, 2021

Nah, watched this movie in religious studies class and its not very interesting and its pretty bad

0 of 0 users found this helpful00

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