Though the movie is more mediocre than abysmal, Ryan's recently banged-up filmography (remember In the Cut) could use what every fighter needs at ringside: a good cut man to stop the bleeding.

Except for some climactic gunplay in a zoo that looks suspiciously like a set, every plot thread is a retread - 500 layers deep. [18 May 1990, p.4D]

Holmes, of Dawson's Creek, will be up the creek if she can't avoid movies like this. And so will you if you see it.

The thrills, chills, frights, starts and occasional screams that a good horror film elicits from an audience are not there. Jeepers, the Creeper has little to recommend it.

Though it's only 90 minutes, the film drags, making these not-so-easy riders pretty tough to watch.

It's all fast and furious up to its draggy finale, and yes, it could spark a sequel. Prepare yourself for coming dread in 18 months: "A Man Together."

You're bound to have more fun working overtime than watching Employee of the Month.

The Canyons is billed as an erotic thriller, but the sexcapades of these empty-headed twentysomethings are far more likely to elicit yawns than titillation.

The new edition is comparatively an air ball: It’s less a family-friendly film with a hoops legend and more a crassly referential love letter to all things Warner Bros.

Not so admirably, the film feels at times like a giant commercial for Universal Studios.

Washed away by drippy plot. [16 January 1998, p. 4D]

Fun at times and tedious at others, it's an action-adventure fantasy aimed particularly at gadget-loving boys.

Should the desire to see a clever zombie movie strike, try the recent remake of "Dawn of the Dead" or last year's "28 Days."

While the jokes are obvious and the romance formulaic, a good-natured sensibility saves the film from being too hokey. The individual parts may not work, but the sum remains entertaining.

Been-there-seen-that wannabe laughfest.

Only a truly dreadful story could make 81 minutes seem like an eternity. And Space Chimps is just that leaden experience.

Prince blows it here by alternately reaching beyond his abilities and sabotaging what he does well. [06 Nov 1990, p.5D]

Though it doesn't fully resonate as a romance, it is effective as a character study.

Viewers seeking a fresh comedy, a seductive romp, or even just an escape from boredom for a couple hours will be left dismally unsatisfied by this stilted, nearly humorless, non-titillating slog.

Audiences everywhere will tune out long before the projector does.

Like fellow SCTV alumnus John Candy, Short has been shortchanged by the big screen. If anyone deserves a change of Luck, he does. [09 Aug 1991, p.5D]

The movie spends too much time wedging the couple into a May-December moment, where Crystal cracks nostalgic about the good old days. It's sweet, but it grows old.

This comedy deserves credit for taking a decided viewpoint — and delivering a heartfelt if occasionally misguided message.

By the time the movie reaches its protracted conclusion, it feels like a slog. Pacino has a few funny lines, as does Leguizamo, but not nearly enough to save the film from collapsing under the weight of its own self-righteous tedium.

Each actor does his own thing for his own audience demographic.

A tribute to a giant leap for mankind feels like a clumsy shuffle backward for animation.

Williams' use of shadows, offbeat angles and slow-motion makes the violence-induced fear and anger palpable. Less convincing is the story itself, which unravels as Tommy and Sincere choose their destinies. [20 Nov 1998]

Conan the Barbarian lives by a pretty simple ethos: He lives, he loves, he slays. What he doesn't do, alas, is act.

The character played by lead Paul Giamatti is a dead-on Shyamalan protagonist: emotionally distanced and something of a train wreck.

While it has the requisite amounts of comedy and romance, it's actually more of a buddy movie. Think "Sex in the City," bro-style.

This film is so superficial and shifts so jarringly in tone that nothing feels authentic -- not Bacon's hard-working husband and father, nor his maniacal vengeance seeker.

The result is far from perfect, but to its many merits, add timing. You never get a movie with this kind of story in mid-August.

One of the film's biggest problems is that Richie is an unsympathetic and rather dim character. The badly drawn role does the likable Timberlake no favors.

The desperately titled Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man takes place in 1996, an apparent ploy to sugarcoat a script that would be unswallowable set today. Of course, even if it were set in 3996, this film still would be one helluva tight cram down the old esophagus. [23 Aug 1991, p.4D]

Ultimately, it's just too long and redundant, too violent and unpleasant, too stupid and full of itself. But otherwise, lordy. [19 May 1989, p.4D]

It's mystifying how such a muddled and silly movie drew the talented cast it did.

Sharp satire or feel-good foolishness? Silly sap won out.

Instead of being an intriguing look at an emotional breakdown, “Lucy” is more interested in being a sporadically trippy (and ultimately forgettable) soap opera that by the end has the camp factor of your average Lifetime revenge thriller.

The film is one long Costco joke - but the punch line is never all that funny.

Alpha and Omega is one of those rarities in the modern era of Hollywood animation: bad.

The tagline for College Road Trip is "You Can't Get There Fast Enough." But for those who sit through this humorless and massively predictable movie, a more apt phrase would be: "You Can't Get Out of There Fast Enough."

Terry Gilliam's “12 Monkeys” can teach The Thirteenth Floor a little something about how to have fun with time travel. And with one number less. [28 May 1999, Life, p.7E]

As if this drivel weren't bad enough, the ending blatantly threatens a sequel

If there was any doubt that most things in society have been dumbed down in the last couple of decades, Dumb and Dumber To could be exhibit A.

Four is so cobbled with bits of other sci-fi and comic-book movies, there's little to distinguish it.

It's a story that feels familiar at best, hackneyed at worst, which is surprising and disappointing, as director Tom Vaughan also made last year's "Starter for 10," a charming British coming-of-age comedy.

Perhaps Martin should go back to taking chances and writing original work.

Sarah Jessica Parker contributes next to nothing as a work/sack partner who ends up imperiled by a sadist fixated on Sam the Sham & the Pharaohs. The director/co-writer is Rowdy Herrington, who has now surpassed what was his most ludicrous claim to fame: Putting Brian Dennehy into a boxing ring with teen James Marshall in Gladiator. [17 Sept 1993, p.4D]

Bonds are tested and feelings hurt, but who really cares? The story takes predictable turns, embraces clichés and dodges all humor.

Rambo III is hardly the first Stallone-y baloney to climax with a commie wipeout; it is the first to palm off its star as the product of a Buddhist monastery. Like, whew. Rambo in a monastery is almost as stomach-turning as E.T. in a brothel. [25 May 1988, p.1D]

Even our bony host the Crypt Keeper, who never met a pun he didn't like, might declare Bordello just plain whore-ible. [16 Aug 1996, p.4D]

You can have a better time title-scanning "Johnny" pics in an alphabetical video guide than you can enduring the latest Blade Runner knockoff. [26 May 1995, p.3D]

But even fans of the original directed by scare-fare king David Cronenberg won't get much of a buzz from this Son of the Fly sequel. It seems that wit and originality are traits that skip a generation. [13 Feb 1989, p.4D]

A supernatural action thriller, is jangly, jarring and violent. But more disconcerting is watching the sweet-faced Dakota Fanning swear, get drunk and pack heat -- in both fists, no less.

Friedkin's latest is good for a few jolts, but also too many unintentional yuks. [27 Apr 1990, p.1D]

Even at its best, the movie plays like a clip reel.

At least Van Damme parodies himself just enough to avoid an all-out battle of the blands . At least director Roland Emmerich slyly allows supermarket Muzak to play during Lundgren's one big emoting scene. [10 July 1992, p.5D]

It’s a dunderheaded follow-up, for sure, but it’s at least buoyed by Chris Hemsworth’s charisma and the few times where Winter’s War embraces complete camp.

Grudge could have saved itself with a rousing finale, but the buildup is so tedious you just want the fight to end.

Gets muddled in slapstick and crude humor.

Evil's one strong presence is lead Milla Jovovich -- and not because the script gives her supercop/soldier anything interesting to say.

Mirren is about the only reason this slow-moving revenge tale tingles at all.

Although about as authentic as Chef Boy-Ar-Dee, Martin at least gets to dress funny. Joan Cusack's D.A. looks dowdy and is misused. Carol Kane's grocery-store siren looks slutty and is underused. And as a cop, Melanie Mayron should slap cuffs on her hairdresser. [20 Aug 1990, p.4D]

Don't expect the seventh Star Wars film here. Star Wars: The Clone Wars is more like a long Saturday morning cartoon.

It doesn't help that the performances are bland (particularly those of Christensen and Bilson) and that what comes out of their mouths is uninspired. Short on imagination and anchored by a wan hero, Jumper is a flight of fancy that never fully takes off.

The story, though initially intriguing, is dicey. A seminal social satire has been spun off into a passionless romance and a wan comedy.

On the whole, Argylle just isn’t as exciting or refreshing as what Vaughn did with his stellar “Kingsman: The Secret Service."

This guy defines loner. He's on the outs with his father and kid brother, and the Koreans treat him like he's the Vanilla Ice of karate. Generation gap. Cultural gap. Logic gap. Weapon has more gaps than a cut-rate set of dentures. [19 Mar 1991, p.8D]

This sequel to the clever and funny first "Transformers" not only is disappointing, it will give most people a throbbing case of metal overload.

Women may appear a bit smarter here, but both sexes are portrayed as superficial and silly.

It's unclear why the writers bothered to update the cartoon, unless it was to expand the possibilities for quips and jokey ideas. If so, they failed in their mission, as the movie elicits few laughs.

Pet Sematary Two is the cinematic equivalent of roadkill. Disgusting to look at and a bloody awful mess. [31 Aug 1992, p.4D]

There's not a cliché that isn't nailed.

Happily, MacLaine (who can pull off these lovable eccentric dowagers while she's sleeping) and Fraser, showcasing a previously untapped flair for romantic comedy, keep Lake on her toes. [19 Apr 1996, p.1D]

It's a pretty good ride even if it blatantly steals some of its best stunts from "American Graffiti" and "Grease."

Goo oozes without mercy in A Walk to Remember.

Stuffing painters, writers and, naturally, Gustav Mahler (Jonathan Pryce) into about 90 minutes, the film comes off as little more than a handsomely mounted scorecard of sexual escapades.

Saoirse Ronan's talents are wasted on a foolish dual part in this dull sci-fi fantasy.

It has been said that no one sees a movie for the sets, yet an exception might be made here for Horizon's visually staggering production design -- truly an event itself. The story, though, is such a transparent variation on the Alien ouevre that your tolerance may hinge on how much you can shrug this off. [15Aug1997 Pg03.D]

They’re made women in an underworld that doesn’t want them, and while that theme is sufficiently explored, The Kitchen disappointingly fails to explore the racial politics it hints at and, aside from the main trio, is full of characters who feel paper thin. The results aren’t criminal, per se, but the movie more often finds mediocrity instead of real nuance.

Post Grad is a collection of unfunny, insipid and predictable vignettes in search of a movie.

The dashing Jackman plays his part well enough, but the script doesn't provide sufficient "Indiana Jones"-style bons mots to win us over.

An uplifting but occasionally treacly tale of transcendent grief, opted to venture where angels go fearlessly.

All the Drano in the world couldn't fix what's clogging the works in Super Mario Bros. [1 June 1993, p.6D]

Preposterous, goofy and a clear ripoff of “Planes, Trains and Automobiles,” Identity still manages to make off with just enough laughs to work, thanks to the wondrous McCarthy, one of the few actresses in Hollywood allowed to showcase her wit and charisma as much as her physique.

With Leto flying and jumping through New York City as a do-gooding bloodsucker with moral “Should I feast on my fellow man?” quandaries, “Morbius” is a lifeless slog with no real bite.

If Costner's clout gets this 124-minute snooze even three weeks of business, dust off the Tom Cruise Cocktail award. [16 Feb 1990, p.4D]

Eugene Levy should be stopped before he directs again. [9 March 1992, p.4D]

A moviegoer's nightmare. The story is incoherent, inane and interminable.

While the film comes to a mildly clever conclusion, it feels like a bottle of vintage champagne that never gets to pop its cork at midnight. All that fizz potential wasted. [26 Feb 1999]

The Expendables 3 is as boneheaded and disposable as it sounds.

More amusing than a lot of expensive Hollywood comedies [26 February 1999, Life, p.5E]

Though 102 Dalmatians digs up little new ground and muzzles its villain, it does have a fetching sense of functional fun now and then.

The lark-ish Perfect Score is on the high side of the time-killer it sounds like.

The thin premise here seems better suited to a sitcom episode than a full-length feature. That's not surprising given that director Mark Mylod's résumé includes British TV comedies and "Entourage" episodes.

Family Weekend is the kind of dark-for-dark's sake, wannabe quirkfest that proves indie films can be just as clichéd and vapid as the most soulless Hollywood movies.

The joyous gallows humor and horror-movie commentary of old are gone and some inspired working-in of new technology falls apart.

What do you call a filmmaker who thinks imitating a screen benchmark can make up for emotions that are evading her actors -- Clueless.