Yellowbeard is a puzzlement. How could so many comedic talents produce such a mirthless movie? [27 Jun 1983]

The best reason to see “Pinocchio” is, unsurprisingly, Hanks, who brings a soulful melancholy to Geppetto.

If the issue of some thrillers is that they have nothing to say, the problem with “Him” is that it has exactly one thing to say, which it does again and again and again. “Him” does have some style, though.

For a movie so excited to tell a story about the CIA’s “most highly-prized and least understood unit,” it sure doesn’t do much to ensure you leave any more informed than you were when you sat down.

while “Junior” does look pretty good for a computer-generated approximation of a 23-year-old Smith, it’s hard not to wish that all the time and money spent on this gimmick might have been put toward making sure the script and story were at least engaging and entertaining. As it stands, Gemini Man is a lot of show, but there’s no life behind the eyes.

The plotting is clunky and haphazard. But when together, Thompson, Hemsworth and Nanjiani turn Men In Black: International into something funny and silly: a pleasant enough lark in formal wear.

But no one emerges unscathed from this funny-when-it-shouldn’t-be mess. The movie’s slogan is the weird “Y’all Need a Pilot?” but it should be “Y’all Need a Filmmaker?”

Like any good high-concept comedy, Kinda Pregnant is predominantly a far-fetched way for its star and co-writer, Schumer, to riff frankly on her chosen topic.

If the idea was to make something for the moms, “Oh. What. Fun.” is about as thoughtful as a hastily scribbled card on a piece of printer paper the morning of her birthday. We can all do better.

But the movie falls flat with pat situations and predictable action sequences. And in this the summer of mega-action hits, a filmmaker has to devise something different and totally brash to woo audiences...The dialogue suffers from terminal silliness. [19 July 1990]

It was a Hail Mary to bring back the “Jurassic Park” originals. But their big meeting with the “Jurassic World” cast has the unintended effect of reminding how little we have come to care about the new cast.

This Hillbilly Elegy has stripped away the most sermonizing, debatable parts of the book, but it’s also denuded it of any deeper purpose, leaving us with a cosplay shell of A-list actors chewing rural scenery.

Except for two or three explosive moments, the film plods along to the expectable, heartwarming climax, never achieving the potential of a new star in a time-proven role. [27 May 1985]

Atlas, an often ridiculous sci-fi epic with dialogue cheesier than a Brie wheel but also an old-fashioned, human heart o’ gold, is a J.Lo movie. Through and through.

The latter stages of "Moreau" prove chaotic and confusing, negating what showed promise as a "Planet of the Apes" thriller...Any appearance by Marlon Brando is an event, if only to witness his latest transformation. He seems to have entered his Sydney Greenstreet period. Looking huge and sinister, he affects an upper-class English accent with lines such as, "I'm simply going to perish from the heat." He even sports a monocle in one scene...At times, Brando conveys a demented menace, but mostly his performance seems a mockery, of the film and himself...And Kilmer makes the most of his ambiguous role. [22 Aug 1996]

Mario creator Shigeru Miyamoto and Illumination founder Chris Meledandri, as producers, seem committed to keeping things light and playful even while beholden to advancing some kind of coherent, moderately compelling story where there wasn’t one previously.

But there is nothing erotic in the coupling between Willis and March, who repeatedly took off her clothes in 1992's "The Lover" to much greater effect. The movie is tepid as a thriller, too, since it's not hard to guess the killer's identity and motive. What's worse is that you don't really care about either, though it is fun to see Willis menaced several times by a red - get it? [18 Aug 1994]

Like a drug store chocolate bar, it just is. It might not be good for you, but it’ll go down shockingly easy, give you a minor sugar high (and possible headache) and disappear from your memory just as quickly, leaving you defenseless for when the inevitable sequel comes along.

Poms really wants to be a sweet movie with a sweet message, but it’s hard to buy into it when none of the squad gets significant backstories, inner lives or even enough dialogue to give them distinct personalities. They’re just there to be punching bags for other characters and the movie.

The significant and seemingly random changes, embellishments and omissions make you wonder why they even needed the tether of Nowak in the first place.

For a movie centered on brotherhood, it’s remarkably empty of any sense of kinship.

Your enjoyment of the new Netflix comedy Coffee & Kareem may depend on whether or not you find insanely vulgar middle schoolers funny. It’s not just cursing either. Oh no, this is a whole symphony of vulgarity that would make Seth Rogen blush.

If “My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2” felt like a pale imitation of the buoyant original, “My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3” feels sorta like a pale imitation of that pale imitation. Or, to analogize with a favored franchise food item: like a thrice-warmed piece of baklava.

The film’s off-kilter schizophrenia gives it a madcap appeal. While Fleischer seems to have a darker, moodier film in mind, Hardy has the good sense to steer Venom in a more over-the-top direction, even if the movie around him can’t catch up.

Criss-crossing patterns of ridiculousness and self-satisfaction run through “Argylle,” a tiresome meta movie that puts an awful lot of zest into an awfully empty high-concept story.

Once the plot is set in motion, things begin to go haywire. Despite compelling work from the leads and excellent supporting work from character actors like Margo Martindale and Bill Camp, it all starts to feel choppy and forced and then just tonally off — way off.

There's very little plot in the movie, just an excursion through the growing pains of some very plastic characters. The script by Schumacher and Carl Kurlander is more a character outline than a screenplay because there simply isn't enough meat to flesh it out. [8 July 1985]

The filmmakers — director Daniel Espinosa, hobbled by a meandering script from Matt Sazama and Burk Sharpless — simply do not know what to do with this creature once they’ve given us his backstory.

Since the men are Anthony Quinn and Kevin Costner and their mutual love is a stunning newcomer, Madeleine Stowe, the film rises above formula. [13 Feb 1990]

It’s really not a good sign when a movie ends with a bold, shocking flourish and much of the audience can be heard muttering through the credits: “Wait, um ... WHAT?”

As an acting exercise, it’s intriguing — barely any scene partners and all unfolding in real time. As a film, not so much: After a plodding, placid start, it goes from first gear into fifth and never relents as the woes pile on.

Kraven the Hunter can climb sheer walls like a gorilla, snatch fish out of streams like a bear and outrun deer. But there’s something this slab of human beef can’t do: Anchor a decent movie.

Lumbering along while fatally wounded, this is a franchise that doesn’t know it is dead, staggering ever onward without an ending in sight.

The first half doesn’t fit with the second half, there are too many distractions and the filmmakers think it’s clever to leave clues but they do it clumsily and at the last minute and it’s really exhausting for the viewer.

Even if the book’s story has been told and the movie’s format has been done before, a movie that reminds us to be imaginative — and that delivers some imaginative visuals to boot — can’t really get old.

It’s a tedious mess to endure and seemed like way more fun making than watching.

Red One comes off a little like the holiday version of “Cowboys and Aliens” — enough so to make you nostalgic for leaner tales about folkloric figures starring Johnson, like “The Tooth Fairy.”

For how reliant this movie is on screens and keeping Pratt alone, one might assume that “Mercy” was a socially distanced, COVID-era leftover instead of something made in 2024.

The question does arise not long into this, the 10th movie in the “Chainsaw” oeuvre: Did we really need another? And sadly, given the lack of imagination, creativity or even basic attention to logic in a perfunctory and downright silly script, the answer seems a resounding “Nope.”

Artificiality as an aesthetic is all fine and good, but Love Hurts feels a little too much like the charmless, ripped-from-the-Magnolia-showroom homes that Marvin is hawking to perky yuppies around Milwaukee.

Soul Man isn't designed for realism, nor does it aim at any lofty moral. It was concocted strictly for laughs, and it delivers an adequate number. [24 Dec 1986]

Despite a respectable budget, a well-known cast, even a bona fide supermodel, "If Lucy Fell" is boring, depressing and unfunny. [7 March 1996]

The biggest problem of My Favorite Martian: It lacks an edge. Its promising approach - sort of a Three Stooges meets Close Encounters - never gets off the ground. It tries to bite occasionally, but is so concerned with remaining a kid-friendly movie that it keeps sinking into pablum. [11 Feb 1999]

Caught between PG and R, as well as lost at the crossroads of inadvertent comedy and horror, the PG-13 Five Nights at Freddy’s has to go down as one of the poorest films in any genre this year.

Clumsily derivative, completely predictable and leadenly directed by the star himself. [23 Feb 1994]

Old Guy feels very of this moment in the fact that it looks good and has a good cast and yet can’t seem to deliver something that’s either entertaining or meaningful. But unlike so many of its peers, this one amazingly was not made by a streamer.

There are some sweet kisses (otherwise, it’s very chaste) and some nice declarations of motherly devotion (credit to Williams for doing her best) but the cheese factor is regretfully high.

The movie is stupid and silly no matter how you look at it. It takes a stab at some sort of backward humor about feminism and male chauvinism. But it's merely pretentious and not very funny. [18 Apr 1989]

Does all this work? Well, it depends on how you feel about ... Cats. Did you love the show? You’ll find stuff to love here. Did you hate it? Ditto! Or maybe ... you’ll have both reactions? That’s possible too.

There wasn’t a great reason to take another shot at Firestarter. Besides, even if it’s lacking in originality, it’s also lacking something even more important: A personality.

If there was a stylish chic in the first film, it’s gone in the second, which sometimes seems cloying in its attempt to recreate the first.

January is often where bad films are stashed, but “The King’s Daughter” isn’t just bad, it’s a cloying, cliched mess that’s not worth even the slightest risk of contacting COVID-19 to see in theaters.

Rihanna voices Smurfette and supplies a new song, giving a half-hearted injection of star power to an otherwise uninspired, modestly scaled, kiddo-friendly cartoon feature.

Buzz Kulik has directed some slam-bang chases, but their effectiveness is blunted by a script that meanders between the bounty hunter's missions and a boring relationship with his housemate (Kathryn Harrold), who is heavy with child. [12 Aug 1980]

Hanks has proved in TV's "Bosom Buddies" and in "Splash" that he is one of the best of today's light comedians, but he has little chance to display his talents here. [12 Aug 1985]

A curious new animated attempt to monetize the comic icon again by giving him an origin story and then asking him to do things a galaxy away from what he does in the funny pages.

It’s really a series of violent vignettes strung together, getting more and more outlandish and introducing characters at such a blistering pace that you just want it to stop already.

A satisfactory, if fairly standard, action entertainment. [29 Apr 1985]

A sure sign that a movie is doomed from the start is when it opens with a printed quote from President Bush's September 1989 so-called "war" on Colombian drug lords, and the screening audience giggles. Fire Birds tumbles to the very depths of lousy filmmaking on that note. [21 May 1990]

For those who have spent the last few months hungering for a big-spectacle mess (they are, after all, a feature of summer moviegoering), now you can take in a big-budget flop from the comfort of your own home.

In his attempt to give new life to the cult hero of comics and film, [Sanders has] given us plenty of beauty at the expense of depth or coherence.

The dialogue is head-spinningly mundane. The flow of testosterone is, well, head-spinning.

Visually and storytelling-wise it’s not a cut above much of what kids can watch on TV these days. This is a franchise that looks like it’s slowly going the way of the dinos, while we drool.

If an algorithm designed a classic, big-screen spectacle for the small-screen age, “The Electric State” probably wouldn’t be too far off the mark.

Harry and Son is uneven, rambling into irrelevant subplots. But the strength of Newman's character holds the film together. [06 Mar 1984]

Peppermint is not some model of equality, it’s just violent escapism that happens to have a woman in the lead role. And, frankly, as long as this genre continues to entertain audiences, Garner is a compelling a lead as any, and more so than quite a few of the men who get so many parts like this. But maybe, just maybe, next time consider a woman or two behind the camera (and script) as well.

The Red Sea Diving Resort is terribly overcooked, turning the real-life drama into a light caper like “Ocean’s 11,” adding cartoonish dialogue from hack superhero films and slathering the whole mess in white savior complex.

Woven throughout is some conversation about absent fathers and fear of abandonment, with unearned delivery and first-draft acuity — something gesturing at depth without piercing the surface.

Put down Orwell’s book and you’ll shiver, convinced to redouble your efforts to protect civil society, stand for dignity and fight for the rule of law. Walk out of this new animated movie and you’ll likely just want to inhale more M&Ms. And fart.

A Neil Simon comedy it isn't, although some bright one-liners shine through. [18 March 1985]

It’s exactly the kind of big, silly, occasionally exciting spectacle that have come to define summer movie season, for better or worse. There’s even an opening for a sequel.

What's off about this latest De Palma work is that the movie can't be taken seriously. The characters are straight out of a comic strip and proceed through some cartoon-like situations. And so, viewed in this way, it becomes an enjoyable romp. [17 Dec 1990]

It’s almost reassuring that in today’s often sanitized, assembly-line mainstream moviemaking that a film can be as crude, as off-brand and as bad as The Happytime Murders. Almost.

As for Neeson, what can we say? He could keep doing this ’til he’s 80, but surely there’s something better out there.

Perhaps the biggest disappointment of Dolittle isn’t the incoherent story line, the suffocating CGI or the unfunny stable of celebrity-voiced creatures. It’s that Downey’s personality doesn’t come through at all, either a victim of the surrounding mess or a party to it.

It’s too bad because there could have been a more fun movie in here — Clarkson imbues it with a distinctly feminine and teenage energy that makes good use of its soundtrack. But it spins itself into a knot trying to justify a silly story instead.

It’s an incoherent mess, something that, back in the day, would be straight to DVD. Five Nights at Freddy’s 2 has an after-school special vibe with no real horror and no real awareness that it should.

Me Time somehow squanders a solid premise, a stacked cast and a seemingly unlimited budget. It didn’t need to be anything great in this movie comedy drought we seem to be in. But considering who was involved, it really should be better than it is.

But 2 1/2 hours? No way, not without a decent script and good acting. Miss Derek is supposed to be portraying Jane as a free-spirited and sensuous woman, but whenever she opens her mouth, she sounds like a spoiled child. [3 Aug 1981]

Bride Hard — which combines thrusting male strippers dressed as Vikings as well as deadly automatic weapon fire — isn’t funny or thrilling. It has the kind of lazy pacing you’d usually find on the Hallmark Channel and a level of acting not much better than porn.

The situation might have produced a funny, heartwarming movie, but not in the hands of director Bob Clark ("Porky's," "Rhinestone") and writers James Gregory Kingston and Denis and John Hamill. Every plot turn is predictable, the characters are either true-blue or rascals and the humor is labored. [18 Feb 1985]

This is a 135-minute film that demands a lot more depth. And, so, to co-opt a political phrase from Bill Clinton, whom Quaid also has played: It’s the script, stupid.

Nothing much in Life Itself feels like life itself. It is too polished, too winking, too big and too much to be all that relatable, even with a cast as appealing as this.

Doesn't deliver the chills it should, but leaves an uneasy feeling. [26 Oct 1990]

The special effects are terrific and the idea, based on a story by Charles Band and Kenneth J. Hall, is clever and could be downright scary. But the pacing is soooooooooooo slow you can fast-forward by five minutes and still be on the same scene and practically the same word. [30 Aug 1989]

As for the documentary about the man of the hour, do as the title suggests: Run away.