When you start doodling on the Internet instead of watching the show you are supposed to review, then either you, or the show, has a problem. I'm going with the latter.

This feels like "funny" by focus group, one composed of cloistered network executives.

The characters couldn't be more bland, and atmospheric Texas settings are ill-used.

Leaden, dull, flat, tone deaf. Any reason to go on? Sure. This replaces another ex-"Friends" vehicle (Courteney Cox's "Cougar Town," which returns mid-April) that launched with both left feet, then dramatically improved. With all the on-screen talent here, this ex-"Friends" star could eventually shine, too.

Beyond comprehension, beyond silly, beyond words.

Nothing to see here. Move on.

A few of the critical “makeshift” moments defy logic, if not ridicule.

The appealing cast valiantly tries to hack its way through the dense underbrush of jokes about frats and testicles and cannabis. But the harder they hack, the hackier it all becomes. Before long, the jungle has won. The show, and viewer, have lost.

Genius doesn’t just skate over the science, it ignores it.

Sit Down is raw, vulgar and blithely offensive, with so many triple and quadruple entendres for so many sexual acts, I lost count.

Grim, sad, painful.

With Tools, there is no discernible style, or point of view, or voice, or humor that ever rises to the level of originality.

Inhumans squanders its Marvel back story (largely unclear here), to come off silly and stilted (in the hands of “Iron Fist” showrunner Scott Buck), as it plods through a cheap parade of cliches in writing, design and production. Despite special effects up the wazoo, it’s utterly devoid of magic or wonder.

As expected, the transition from big screen to small doesn't exactly work. What this Bad Teacher really needed to do was outsmart the source material--make this version more clever, or sharper, or funnier, or (above all) make it for adults.

The material’s the problem. "The Mick" lumbers along instead of flies. Scenes grope for punchlines that — when or if they come — lack punch or just belly-flop. "The Mick" wants to be outrageous, but instead settles for excessive.

Character likability is actually just one issue. Plausibility is the other.

Because this [Manhattan-cetric romcoms where self-absorption ultimately gives way to romance] is such an overly familiar TV trope, it demands great chemistry among all the leads and sharply funny dialogue to match. I wandered through this purgatory for three episodes and found zilch.

Yeah, Brooklyn 11223 is awful, and awful not because it's inauthentic--it isn't necessarily to those being portrayed here--but because it's hugely phony.

As awful as $#*! My Dad Says is, you almost detect an ember of promise here. Maybe it's Shatner--whom we will always love, no matter what--or maybe it's an illusion. But CBS needs to blow some life into that ember before it's too late. Maybe it already is.

Has boundless contempt for its characters and their empty lives of not-so-quiet desperation. This would be OK if the satire had bite and wit or the lead character had a single redeeming quality. Instead, Coop is a self-pitying schlub without the brains or moxie to pull himself out of his tailspin.

In general, pilot films fall into three modes -- promising, bearable and for imbeciles only. Moonlighting is definitely in the last class. [01 Mar 1985, p.20]

Snooki & JWoww reeks of the end-times--the end-times for "Jersey Shore."

Rosewood's pilot is stuffed with hackneyed setups, tedious exposition and character quirks galore.

Even the most diehard of Western fans should keep on scrolling.

Disjointed operates on another plane of altered consciousness, which may begin to explain this genial, harmless misfire.

It's lackadaisical, weary, bland and off-center.

The Brink is a grim would-be comedy grindhouse full of half-baked one-liners propping up an overbaked plot.

It's slow. It's dull. It's listless.

The thing that's really creepy about Harsh Realm is how predictable, superfluous, and gratuitously murky and convoluted all this intrigue seems. [8 Oct 1999, p.B55]

Any smart girl would also wish for humor at a higher level than slapstick broccoli on the eyeball or a 12-year- old boy drooling, "You're kinda easy on the peepers." [20 Sept 2002]

"Emergency" is sodden, forbidding, a waste of 22 good minutes.

These folks wouldn't be paranoid if they thought critics loathed their forced and annoying show and widely predicted it would be the season's first to tank. [6 Oct 2000, p.B51]

NBC's new Bionic Woman remake is a desolate slab of ice where any resemblance to human beings - alive, dead or cyborgian--is purely coincidental. It's hard to imagine a bigger modernized mess being made

This is pretty tedious viewing.

There's perverse fun to be had in watching "3 lbs." Count the groans as you spot yet another trite piece of formula.

The filming is urgent! The dialogue is obvious! The actors get choked up! It's as if a film school class put together a thriller following all the rules precisely.

Most of the cast stammers its way through sentences as if awaiting a lightning strike of inspiration. When it doesn't come, the actors have to say something anyway, and that meandering search for structure is what winds up filling 30 shapeless minutes.

It's not so stylish or energetic anymore, and it's still not particularly funny. ... The problem isn't just rim-shot jokes, though. It's the whole conception of this comedy's situation, which is riddled with illogic and overstocked with annoying characters. [15 Apr 2003]

If this is comedy, who needs it? [24 Sept 2002, p.B27]

The show seems to have no point, rendering it agony how hard the proceedings work at making one.

A slight, cartoonish, and terribly, terribly obvious dramedy.

Airing five nights a week and featuring 10 strangers - not to mention insufferable hosts Julie Chen and Ian O'Malley - this will fill our screens for the next three months. Unless we happen to leave the set turned off. Which, judging from last night, might be advisable. [6 Jul 2000]

This one isn't David Spade's fault. Really it isn't.

The pairing might have worked, if only they weren't saddled with trite dialogue. ("Am I disturbing you?" someone says to cafe owner Whoopi: "Too late, I'm already disturbed.") And it might have worked if the show had more resembled a "small" production of the kind that some pay-cable services specialize in instead of an assembly-line, go-for-the-cheap-shot sitcom. [30 Mar 1990, p.II-5]

Because so many viewers will have seen this kind of reality show before, their minds may start to wander by the second commercial break.

Nobody seems to be having any fun here, not even lording-it-over-everybody Ming. You'd think next week's second episode might be better, once all that exposition is out of the way, but you'd be wrong. It's even more lifeless.

It's the old school of ridiculous sitcoms at its worst. [10 Sep 1990]

"What About Brian"... wants to be "thirtysomething" for twentysomethings, but it is clichesomething.

It's hard to believe that anybody could make such a ludicrous police drama after "Hill Street Blues." [30 Sep 1991]

Calling Rome a crushing disappointment would be accurate but too forgiving of its sordidly cockamamy fixations. Brutality and nudity rise in direct proportion to unpersuasive storytelling. Finding someone, anyone, to care about amid all this shock-value Sturm und Drang swiftly becomes an enervating chore. [26 Aug 2005, p.B33]

"Donnellys" creaks and sighs, moans and slumps, and ambles along like a world-weary cliche, unable or unwilling to lift its head above the humdrum banality to which it has been consigned.

Maybe the problem with CBS' new Sunday popcorn movie "Mayday" isn't that it could be better. It actually could be worse. Then this would be deliriously mockable trash instead of an occasionally gripping but mostly frustratingly loony piece of hooey.

The only thing deep in tonight's Firefly premiere, though, is the well of cliches into which Whedon dips for what passes for plot and exposition. [20 Sept 2002, p.B02]

"Fashion House" is a bit more coherent, if still ludicrous.

It is so ancient - in approach, tone, style and energy - that you can almost see the dust bunnies tumble across the set.

Sex Box is bad. It's also hackneyed, dull, derivative and surprisingly windy.

A little too raw, especially in this hour.

It's horrible, horrible, horrible, and you will hate yourself for laughing--although I'm afraid you will.

It is breathtakingly inept. Either that or subversively brilliant: A send-up of every mawkish cliche, idiotic plot twist or ludicrous splatter of dialogue that's propped up every preposterous secret agent thriller.

Why, then, this debacle, with bad jokes, listless lines and a parade of cliches? Beats me.

Based on the 22 irredeemably painful minutes TV Land offered for review, this show is clunky, sodden, cliched, drab, bland and terribly (terribly) weary.

The worst new show of 2014 can take solace that there are still 358 days left for another one to exceed it.

White Famous is so corrosive that it ends up fighting itself. The self-loathing here is the type that’s common to so many Hollywood satires, filled with the requisite pythons and soul crushers who keep the sausage factory conveyor belt moving. But much of this goes beyond loathing to self-lacerating. ... Awful.

It's a $300 million TV series for no one. ... This is a very, very bad show.

ABC's little-girl gang of four represents nothing more than cliches.

The whole project feels salaciously sleazy, unless you're enjoying the proceedings, in which case it's juicily depraved.

Dreadful.

"Help Me" is a Gobi Desert of laughs... There's a strong odor of desperation on-screen, as if the competent and seasoned actors here know they're in this for a short ride. Indeed, they are.

Our mouths may be open, but more likely agape than laughing.

Uncle Buck is sometimes funny like a poke in the eye. It's crude and vulgar. The jokes are obvious, the situations cliched, the characters obnoxious. Would you believe a lecherous insurance agent named Doreen Douche? [10 Sept 1990, p.9]

NBC's superficial knockoff is just Lipstick on a pig.

A groaner from beginning to end.

Seen "Malcolm in the Middle"? It's good, right? Clever, original and fresh? Now imagine it's a tired retread, a shadow of itself. That's this shameless ripoff, which ratchets up the leer quotient and down the brains. [2 Oct 2000, p.B07]

The storms in this production have more personality than the characters who chase, study and prepare for them.

There's nothing unexpected here, and certainly no adventure, just who's sleeping with whom, and who's the daddy, and why they're still so juvenile, and how Tom Berenger ended up in this soapy soup.

If you expect the worst, your expectations will probably be met.

Little of it adds up to much of anything but foul-minded mischief.

In two unbearably long hours, the film says nothing that wasn't said first, or better, 21 years ago. And where the original had a palpable air of menace, a mood hot and sticky with fear, the TV sequel is as fast-moving as a stagnant pond. [4 Mar 1988, p.7]

It's as if we've all passed this way (many times) before and could write the dialogue, act the scenes, predict the outcome all in our sleep.

Problem is, the show is more comfortable with cliché than subtlety.

It has a strange, surreal quality. I usually like strange. But this is strange strange ... Actually come to think of it, "On the Air" may be the most stupid thing I've ever seen. [18 Jun 1992]

Watching one espiode was an experience less enjoyable than hangin' by the thumbs. [27 Aug 1992]

[A] treacly piece of tripe.

Viewers are expected to swallow - worse, to savor - simplistic recycling of melodrama plots seen a hundred times before.

At least "Men in Trees" doesn't tax your brain. Just your patience, taste and intelligence.

Forced, frantic and continually preposterous.

"Donny!" would be as bad as you could imagine except ... it exceeds even your imagination.

It is awful. It is truly awful. It is awful in ways that make the word "awful" seem inadequate.

A series so monumentally meaningless, so pathetically puerile, so irredeemably ridiculous that, within my limited professional context, it prompts the Biggest Question of them all: Why is there television? [2 Nov 1988]

Something is missing in "Woops!," besides a second joke. ... It could have been the funniest show in the world, if there was a nuclear war, really, and this was the only one show left. "Woops!" is moronic on so many levels. [5 Oct 1992]

Zombie Apocalypse is hilariously awful, as bad, sordid, silly and foolish as you can possibly imagine.

Momma's Boys is so dreadful that it effectively neuters critical disembowelment before the operation even begins.

No matter where the goofy "Desperate Housewives" goes, it's not into the toilet, which is where Big Shots spends its time both literally and figuratively.

Utterly vacuous and incompetent.

The plastic "punch lines" grow more contrived. The tired stereotypes feel more offensive.

It's hard to imagine a worse show.

"Awful" doesn't begin to do The Choice justice, not that it deserves justice.

There's not a whiff of actual life here, no grounding character like "Arrested Development's" Jason Bateman . There's just frantic, false and tiresome.