Strange as it sounds, the failure of this tawdry little odyssey into mammalia is that it doesn't make any sense. The smallest effort by writer, director or producer could have meant a movie with laughs as well as the capacity to anesthetize adults. [02 Aug 1983, p.C5]

From this, we can safely assume that Schaeffer is a nag and a pest, though after two films we still have little proof that he's a capable director. [8 March 1996, p.7G]

The Last American Virgin has been advertised with the tagline, "See it or be it." In this connection, maybe "the new celibacy" we keep reading about isn't such a bad idea. [14 Sept 1982, p.B4]

Such a dull, clunky, joyless mess, it's hard to believe the people who made it understand much about movies.

Much of King Kong Lives in fact seems designed by and for invertebrates. It is well known that if you leave a monkey in a room with a typewriter for long enough, the monkey will write an intelligible story. With screenwriters, on the other hand, there's no guarantee. [22 Dec 1986, p.C5]

The few bright spots in Oxford Blues, including the handsome cinematography, are like the raisins in the tapioca: They just don't help. [24 Aug 1984, p.C10]

An inept comedy.

In Chopping Mall the conflict is merely an excuse for a repeat of the kids vs. slasher formula. Nothing heavy here, just the predictable deaths of the couples who went "all the way," the survival of the virgins, and the best exploding head sequence since Deadly Friend. [05 Nov 1986, p.D6]

A movie as annoying as its oddly punctuated title, After.Life is a misguided and empty-headed attempt at psychological horror that succeeds only at talking the viewer to death.

This is a problem for a story located deep underwater, because without an immediate, photogenic threat, the movie literally has nowhere to go. The hard-working cast, led by Greg Evigan, Miguel Ferrer and the psychedelically named Taurean Blacque, lurches from bulkhead to air lock on cue, but accomplishes little beyond contributing to a growing sense of claustrophobia. [16 Jan 1989, p.7]

Stealth is basically the kind of movie a 13-year-old boy given an infinite budget and creative freedom might cook up between Xbox games.

Nothing but Trouble used to be called Valkenvania, which gives you an idea of the filmmakers' instincts: From the obscure they moved to the generic. The movie is something of both, and not much fun on either count. [19 Feb 1991, p.C8]

Senseless. [15 Sept 1989, p.33]

Loud, sophomoric and stunningly crude.

But the movie itself, despite a pretty funny scene early on in which Mitchell, a dyed-in-the-wool California surfer, tries to ingratiate himself to a class full of urban Cincinnati kids, is dull and conventional. Nice stunts, though. [21 Sept 1993, p.E6]

The movie, touted as a modern Little Women, shows none of the feminist spirit or evergreen qualities of that film. Even in those cumbersome bonnets, the March clan seemed much more hip and self-assured. In comparison, The Baby-sitters Club feels like fodder for a new generation of Stepford wives. [18 Aug 1995, p.7G]

We're subjected to 80 minutes of butt- kicking -- most of it contrived and flatly staged -- in Speakman's embarrassing debut, The Perfect Weapon. [19 Mar 1991, p.C5]

The entire story -- has been done before, and should have been limited to a 30-minute Saturday morning cartoon episode.

Like most Norris vehicles, The Delta Force is long on spurious action and short on production values. It's also silly, but it's more than that. Rambo asked, "Do we get to win this time?"; Norris' Delta Force gets to go back and win last time. [19 Feb 1986, p.D8]

John Derek, who wrote and directed and filmed Bolero, failed to make Bo look sexy; managed, in fact, to make her look dull and foolish. [01 Sep 1984, p.B5]

She's Out of Control is too insipid to take. [15 Apr 1989, p.E5]

How can a movie as overstuffed with funny people as The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard be so listless and leaden?

A movie of marginal ambition and multiple cute young faces.

Man bites dog in Turner & Hooch, the new Tom Hanks vehicle, and it's a tender moment. But there's precious little else going on in this tired little action comedy, which is so bereft of ideas that it winds up borrowing from Lady and the Tramp, among other familiar sources. [28 July 1989, p.G5]

The plot is rather basic when you remove the clutter. Boy gets busted, needs girl to save his soul. It's all stiff and forced. So are the performances. [10 Oct 1987, p.B6]

This is the kind of colossally misguided vanity project.

Bad enough to earn a rare spot on my hallowed list of ''The Worst Movies I've Ever Seen,'' An American Carol is testament that the country's culture wars are raging just as strongly within Hollywood as anywhere else.

A hellishly bad film. [8 Feb 1985, p.9]