Susan Wloszczyna

It's instantly devoured and quickly forgotten.

Instead of the heat of humanity, what lingers on in the mind is the cool of the computerized effects.

My hope is that if they do a sequel, they focus on No. 4. Love the way he carries pizza wedges in his wallet [17 July 1996]

Director Hugh Wilson and co-writer Peter Torokvei allow this Driving Miss Daisy with attitude to fully steep, like a cup of fine tea spiked with lemon. [11Mar1994 Pg. 01.D]

Fatally dreadful. This umpteenth parody flick of the year moves sooooooo slowly, it may be the first movie candidate for a pacemaker. The Naked Guns and the Hot Shots may not be Noel Coward cocktail parties. But those films toss out so many joke grenades, a few are bound to set off laughs. Not director Carl Reiner's latest. He takes the same five gags and grinds them into the ground like old cigarettes. Or allows each bit to drag on and on like the toilet paper that keeps sticking to femme fatale Sean Young's killer pumps. [29 Oct 1993, p.4D]

While Scream has its frights, it feels more like one of those solve-the-mystery jigsaw puzzles than a real movie.

t's far too soon for an actress as vital as Jessica Lange to stoop to Bette Davis-Joan Crawford horror-hag histrionics. [6 Mar 1998, pg.04D]

Gruesome, garish and smutty in a very juvenile way, Knight - the first of a promised trilogy - nonetheless is often frightfully engaging, thanks to a game group of performers and visually electric direction from Ernest Dickerson (Juice). [13 Jan 1995, p.4D]

The transition from Hanna-Barbera animation to manic-barbaric live action falls flatter than a granite slab, from the first of many deadly stone-age wordplays - "Steven Spielrock Presents" - to the gross-out shots of dirty tootsies. [27 May 1994 Pg. 01.D]

This dark comedy comes off more giddy than gritty.

Freddy's Dead is fan fare, with little to offer those who aren't already Freddy freaks. [16 Sept 1991, p.5D]

Even with nifty giant bird Nimbly, flying dog-dragon Falkor and Tonto-like sidekick Atreyu along for the ride, Bastian seems to meander more than tumble into fun- filled adventures. For all its echoes of Oz, Fantasia is not much of a merry old land. [11 Feb 1991, p.4D]

Vinny's humor is cooked to al dente perfection. And that ain't just whistling Dixie.

As a condescening moron who natters on non-stop in this simplistic comedy, Elliott doesn't just wear out his welcome, he nukes it. [14 Jan 1994]

This movie is a cookie. A slightly stale generic-brand cookie.

The premise was a yummy one in the Mexican hit "Like Water for Chocolate," but it's best to pack Tums in case of heartburn this time around. [5 February 1999, Life, p.11E]

Despite Murphy's campaigning, Gentleman deserves a veto. [04 Dec 1992]

A plodding, play-it-safe rendition of "The Family Feud."

It's terrific to see such well-matched actresses of opposing generations duke it out.

After so much frenetic kicking and grunting, you may feel like you're in a stupor, too.

Pytka may know how to push fizzy water, but he certainly can't make a punch line sparkle. [21 Aug 1989]

There's one reason to see Tim Burton's flawed, somewhat declawed but often amusing do-over of Planet of the Apes. The apes. What else?

The latest stab at a gangsta-fied This Is Spinal Rap, is more raggedly low-budget than last year's CB4, but avoids that film's awkward mix of satire and salute. [07 Jun 1994, p.6D]

As a director, Seagal isn't much on transition scenes. That would cut into the time devoted to knives slicing through heads. [21 Feb 1994, p.4D]

Before you go off to see The Wizard with your own video whiz kid, consider visiting an arcade instead. Your entertainment dollar would be much better spent on Double Dragon. [15 Dec 1989, p.6D]

In this second round of so-so kung-foolery, three brothers once again strain credibility and make sushi out of new foes. [06 May 1994, p.5D]

It's a pretty good ride even if it blatantly steals some of its best stunts from "American Graffiti" and "Grease."

Just like its albino-like villains, this Village is a pale imitation. [28 Apr 1995, p.3D]

The "nonsequel" that regathers the inspired loonies who scaled the heights of giddy anarchy in 1988's "A Fish Called Wanda," is a different comic species. [24 January 1997, p. 3D]

This joyless coming-of-age travelogue is such a downer that not even breathtaking locales can provide a lift.

Well-intentioned even as it surrenders to commercialism, G.I. Jane comes on like the ultimate battle of the sexes. But it ends up being an unfulfilling exercise in pseudo-feminism. [22 August 1997, p. 7D]

Never reaches much beyond the surface, and what lies there is all too predictable.

Although delayed several months for fine-tuning, Freejack hijacks any potential cult status with drab visuals and a lousy score. Even Jagger fans aren't going to get much satisfaction out of that. [20 Jan 1992, p.4D]

Though its romantic-comedy triangle borrows heavily from Cyrano de Bergerac, the film has more in common with Three's Company. A shame, since Dogs boasts more than a few stray pleasures. [26Apr1996, Pg. 04.D]

Bless me, Father, for I actually laughed once during this gosh-awful spinoff...about as funny as an oozing fever blister.

Heckerling stoops to the obvious at times and there are two car chases too many. But Look Who's Talking never insults the intelligence of adults or babies, and that's quite a feat for any comedy. [13 Oct 1989, p.4D]

Since a goodly portion of Jade is given over to the barbed banter lobbed by Allen and a solid Helen Hunt (in Stanwyck mode as a peevish efficiency expert who challenges his façade of male superiority), Woody the wordsmith is in full evidence, too.

James is a stunner with a breathtaking array of eye-teasers. [12 Apr 1996]

An untreacly family film is a true rare bird. [13 Sep 1996]

What's most amazing is the finely nuanced performances these bits and bytes deliver.

A movie with this kind of haunting power comes along only once every decade or so. [20 February 1991, Life, p.11D]

Here's ringside entertainment for those who think TV wrestling is too intellectual and restrained.

Bale tends to be overwrought and self-conscious as he wrestles with his demons, here in both '60s flashbacks (the liveliest segment) and in the 1977 present, in which punk clubs and easy women represent temptation. [09 Apr 1999]

Truth is, Affleck and Paltrow flunk Chemistry 101. They aren't believable even as a fake couple.

Blast feels positively timely if not downright positive about the human race's ability to endure. Forget radiation. Fraser and folks actually survive three decades-plus of Perry Como music. [12 February 1999, Life, p.8E]

All the Drano in the world couldn't fix what's clogging the works in Super Mario Bros. [1 June 1993, p.6D]

Randal Kleiser (Grease) might not be everyone's first choice as director. But with the majesty of the Klondike landscape and a script packed with action, it would be hard to mess this up. [22 Jan 1991, p.5D]

Not since Andy Kaufman's reign of terror has a supposed funnyman been so self-indulgently persistent in testing a fan's patience.

Unless you have a craving to watch a sluggish Ski-Doo race or want to admire Chase dressed as a hula dancer, consider this the cinematic equivalent of yellow snow.

There's probably a fall-out-of-your-seat, laugh-your-head-off comedy to be made about house guests. Meanwhile, the maddeningly mediocre Madhouse will have to do. [16 Feb 1990, p.4D]

The concept is so hypocritical, it's like Britney Spears calling Christina Aguilera underdressed and overexposed.

The bad-taste murder farce is just an excuse for a bunch of actors to go slumming and ride about in - ha, ha - Yugos.

As late Christmas presents go, Reindeer Games is best left unwrapped.

Douglas prances and chants with crimson-haired tribesmen who look like they were styled by Dennis Rodman. He talks a good game. (Why does he kill? "Because I've got a gift.") But he is trapped by the same undernourished script as the rest of the cast. Secondary characters are fleshed out so little, they should simply wear labels that say "kitty snacks." [11 Oct 1996]

Babe, a live-action fable about a valiant pig who conquers prejudice like a barnyard Jackie Robinson, is in a league of its own when it comes to enchantment.

Based on the days and especially nights of Venice's 16th century courtesan Veronica Franco, this alternately dull, lively, sexy and silly costumer lightens the locks of brunette Braveheart dish Catherine McCormack. [27 Feb 1998]

A riotous and wee bit PG-racy computer-animated family fable, is the most thoroughly enjoyable cartoon feature since "Toy Story" burst out of its box.

You'd be hard-pressed to find a purer expression of rapture in a film this year than the one that opens Billy Elliot.

Let others recharge that tired Die Hard formula. Cameron invents a new kind of family therapy that saves your marriage and the world. [15 Jul 1994 Pg. 01.D]

It's still a sick kick to see the little girl (with braces, no less) sink her teeth into her own mother. But doing a Sunset of the Dead might have been a more appetizing idea. [23 Oct 1990, p.6D]

The cameos are out-of-sight, though the gay jokes and sexual innuendoes are overdone. But even if you don't know Peter from Bobby, you'll still be apt to find the Brady brand of geeky optimism thoroughly infectious. [17 Feb 1995, p.1D]

This twisted romance possesses the soul and edgy atmosphere of an independent film but not quite the conviction.

To redo such a sentimental gem without Hepburn's incandescence to light the way seems foolhardy at best, but director Sydney Pollack (Tootsie) miraculously almost pulls off his updated homage simply by choosing well and popping enough champagne corks to make us believe the wealthy are still glamorous despite Donald Trump. [15 Dec 1995, p.1D]

While entertaining with its swipes at everything from health food to the Latin pop craze, the semi-sweet story is about as deep and meaningful as a groupie grope.

But even fans of the original directed by scare-fare king David Cronenberg won't get much of a buzz from this Son of the Fly sequel. It seems that wit and originality are traits that skip a generation. [13 Feb 1989, p.4D]

But those looking for enlightenment on this boring road trip better bring along a flashlight. The sex change merely allows Erika Eleniak, who won more respect from her critters as Elly May in The Beverly Hillbillies than she does from the male animals here, to doff her duds as often as she tries to escape. Running tampon gags are never a good sign. [26 Apr 1994, p.8D]

What once was spontaneous and clever now has the stench (in Conehead-speak) of rotten chicken embryos. [23 July 1993, p.5D]

The whole cast is terrific - especially Kline, who manages to be both flippant and earnest. And except for some slow going near the end, Reitman keeps it bright and light. [07 May 1993, p.1D]

Not even scaremeister director Wes Craven can awaken this story. Murphy's pale efforts are enough to make one fondly recall Blacula. Now that was one sucker who knew how to make a film that didn't. [27 Oct 1995, p.4D]

Ryder's commitment is impressive. If her movie only had her courage.

Deep Cover, directed unevenly by Bill Duke (A Rage in Harlem), is yet another plunge into the seemingly bottomless urban pool of drugs, guns and money. [15 Apr 1992, p.7D]

While the film comes to a mildly clever conclusion, it feels like a bottle of vintage champagne that never gets to pop its cork at midnight. All that fizz potential wasted. [26 Feb 1999]

In its third go-round, the Lethal Weapon arsenal is running out of ammunition. [15 May 1992]

Allison Janney is tacky incarnate as Barkin's good-time gal pal. When she shows up, Drop Dead Gorgeous comes most to life. [23 July 1999, Life, p.12E]

Works best as a ponderous metaphor for life's uncertainties. As a lighthearted comedy, the force, alas, is not with it. [19 March 1999, Life, p.13E]

After a half-hour or so, your clicker finger will be itching. Too bad you can't zap around the other multiplex screens. [17 Aug 1992, p.4D]

At least the original never stooped to overly graphic violence. This time, the filmmakers drench the toy-factory finale with gore galore. [09 Nov 1990, p.4D]

Observing Zellweger as she dispenses her brand of movie magic definitely is good for what ails you.

When we first see Meryl Streep's happy homemaker in One True Thing, she's a domestic dinosaur circa late '80s, a regular mommy monster. [18 September 1998, p.3E]

With cartoon colors, loony tunes and a kitschy-coo sensibility, Earth Girls Are Easy finally lands in theaters after having distributor trouble. This close encounter under the California sun is fun, fun, fun - until its Beach Party-meets-Splash plot unravels. [12 May 1989, p.6D]

But all the devices and upgrades do little to bring the poetry's meaning into clearer and more relevant focus for today's audiences.

This is a noisy, sadistic and just plain dull rendering of a too-often-told tale about a mysterious drifter who rides into a lawless outpost and pits rival gangs against each other. The plot, based on Akira Kurosawa's samurai classic Yojimbo, isn't so much dusted off by writer/director Walter Hill (Wild Bill) as propped up. [20 Sep 1996]

When it comes to being brainless, The Skulls is at the head of the class.

Geena Davis and Renny Harlin couldn't cut it with Cutthroat Island. Steven Spielberg nearly got the hook for Hook. But leave it to Miss Piggy and Kermit to discover uncharted gold in the shipwrecked-pirate genre. With felt-covered cohorts like Fozzie Bear and human co-stars like Jennifer Saunders of Absolutely Fabulous, the cross-species duo pulls off the rollicking Muppet Treasure Island with only a bump or two. [16 Feb 1996, p.4D]

Fossilized script spoils effects.

The Rookie is Clint Eastwood's ultimate cops 'n' robbers fantasy, where all the cars are sex machines, all the guns shoot loud and hard, and real men say things like, ''Wanna guarantee? Buy a toaster.'' [07 Dec 1990, p.4D]

First-time director/writer Richard Stanley hammers together chunks from films past to form a clunky horror show that never rises to the level of its source material. [14 Sep 1990, p.4D]

Time to get out your flood pants and economy-size Kleenex. Sally Field has the weepies again. But unlike the hoked-up waterworks that turned Field's Steel Magnolias into rust, Not Without My Daughter has an iron-clad plus going for it - harrowing reality. [11 Jan 1991, p.1D]

No need to say hasta la vista to this baby. It's a keeper. [23 Nov 1994, p.1D]

House Party has enough youthful exuberance to shake the rafters. Too bad it has enough plot to fill only a closet. [8 Mar 1990, p.4D]

Epic in nearly every way, The Hurricane has the power to blow you away.

For all its faults, Justice is never boring. But it's such a battering experience, you may find yourself checking your own body for bruises before leaving the theater. [16 Apr 1991, p.6D]

Generations feels like a flimsy device to ensure Trek's earnings continue to live long and prosper. [19 Nov. 1994, p.1D]

Visual pyrotechnics and dark humor aside, Three Kings rules because it dares to dig for such truths, whether banal or significant.

The Wal-Mart of cinematic soap operas. One-stop shopping for your emotional movie needs.

Though 102 Dalmatians digs up little new ground and muzzles its villain, it does have a fetching sense of functional fun now and then.

Consider The Other Sister emotional quicksand. [26 February 1999, Life, p.5E]

Vile, violent and less hip than it thinks it is.