Pete Vonder Haar

Every rumor you’ve heard about this film is true; it’s an absolute wreck.

Reports of boos at the film's debut at Cannes are more understandable now, not because Marie Antoinette is an inaccurate or indifferent look at French history (it is), but because it's self-indulgent shit. Booing - and beheading - are too good for it.

Turistas fails in almost every way a movie like this can.

Eragon is laughably bad, mind-bogglingly derivative, and easily one of the worst movies of the year.

I haven't seen such meaningful insight into the nature of human cooperation since this morning's "Sesame Street."

It's an inferior remake (of a movie that wasn't that great to begin with), it's poorly acted, and it's yet another in an unending string of PG-13 "horror" movies that do nothing to build even the most rudimentary sense of real dread.

The original movie One Missed Call is based on was pretty tame, at least by Miike standards. And since it appears studios have no intention of halting this flood of abysmal rehashes, allow me to suggest that they at least have the stones not to pussyfoot around and give us a remake worthy of Hollywood, of America, and of an audience that lacks the willpower to stop buying tickets to half-assed crap.

The biggest loser in all of this is Chan, whose legacy over here won’t be his 20+ years as a martial arts pioneer, but rather his playing straight man to the likes of Tucker and Owen Wilson.

I humbly submit that Cedric the Entertainer be required to give up the "Entertainer" portion of his nom de plume until he actually starts entertaining us.

Sellers' comic mastery is completely fumbled by Martin and director Shawn Levy.

An indolent, PG-13, Disney "biker" flick that does for comedies what Exxon did for Prince William Sound.

Elapsed time before I walked out: 29 minutes Total laughs (in that period): 0

Compared to Norbit, “Date Movie” is "Casablanca." If I thought hijacking a plane carrying prints of the film and crashing it into Murphy’s house would put a stop to it, I’d go out and buy a box cutter right now.

The Ringer is astoundingly craptastic not because the handicapped are handled poorly (though if they were paid more than union scale I'd be surprised), but because it's one of the most singularly unfunny films ever made.

Scary Movie V murdered my capacity to feel joy.