If you’re going to remake a venerated video game, then for god’s sake, do it right.

Vampire Rain fails at almost everything it tries. Despite the undeniably appealing setting, there's nothing here that justifies even a reserved recommendation. Depressing, derivative, and controller-throwingly frustrating, here's one occasion when you should let the rain stop you from playing.

Despite what high-school productions of Macbeth may illustrate, swordfighting is actually pretty hard work. So is making a good movie-based video game. Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End for Wii fails at both of these tasks, and leaves you with a metaphorical pain in the neck and an all-too-real pain in the shoulder.

The gene-stealing and blood-drinking theme makes for an interesting concept with great gameplay implications. But the bottom line is that as a game, Genesis Rising sucks, both literally and figuratively.

Typically, poor graphic performance is just a sideline to how a game performs, but here the lousy shadows and contrasty scenes detract from the action just as much as the dreadful AI and thin premise. As a result, Bullet Witch should be completely avoided.

The swordfights, which seem to promise the ability to jump around and swing your Wiimote like a living room ninja, are a profound disappointment.

If this version of Need for Speed: Carbon either looked or handled better, it might have been a worthwhile contender. But this lazy port simply doesn't have what it takes to bring the Need for Speed franchise to the Wii.

For the price you'll pay for both these games -- which is what you'll need to do if you want a half-decent selection of activities -- you could buy the far superior "Brain Age." Or, for that matter, you could buy just about any of the other genuinely good games on the DS, and pass over this cash-in altogether.

For the price you'll pay for both these games -- which is what you'll need to do if you want a half-decent selection of activities -- you could buy the far superior "Brain Age." Or, for that matter, you could buy just about any of the other genuinely good games on the DS, and pass over this cash-in altogether.

Only the most blinkered Mobile Suit fetishist could love this clunky battle sim, which trades speed, finesse, and depth for...well, nothing, really.

Team Ninja has headed in exactly the wrong direction: more throwaway minigames, the same frustrating friends system, less focus on the volleyball. Instead, it winds up seeming just as superficial as the bosoms of its stars.

In the spirit of generosity, we'll offer that there's about 30 minutes of entertainment to be had. Any fan of "Grand Theft Auto"'s goofy violence will grin as the shark tears people limb from limb. Hours of doing that and little else for hours, however, will dull the enthusiasm of even the most bloodthirsty gamer.

A passing diversion, totally bereft of the addictive zeal of the original. In this case that's a step forward, if only a very tiny one.

Single-player won't occupy you for long -- the daft AI and total lack of variety will see to that. Live play will keep you smiling for a little while, but the sad truth is that Act Zero is totally inadequate. Treat it like it's one of the bombs getting flung around the map and run the other way.

The adventure boldly promised by the title is lacking, leaving only a half-hearted tale that's trailing dozens of frustrated players and broken controllers in its wake.

Only the most desperate deathmatch champion will get their money's worth out of this purgatorial port.

Multiplayer is better, but it'd be the scurvy dog indeed that talked his friends into buying this cash-in.

Extras like a free, waypoint-based track editor add charm. The same thing goes for online car-swapping features. But between a Super Nintendo-era audio-library, limp-wristed vehicular duels, and snooze-inducing stages, it's too little, too late.

Extras like a free, waypoint-based track editor add charm. The same thing goes for online car-swapping features. But between a Super Nintendo-era audio-library, limp-wristed vehicular duels, and snooze-inducing stages, it's too little, too late.

Even if you're absolutely infatuated with the Cars premise, this is no way to show the love.

In the spirit of generosity, we'll offer that there's about 30 minutes of entertainment to be had.

In the spirit of generosity, we'll offer that there's about 30 minutes of entertainment to be had.

And while the game generally looks and sounds just fine, you'll come away thinking about the interminably dull dialogue passages and unconvincing characters.

Like many games of this style, there is some vague, half-guilty pleasure in the mechanical repetitiveness of the game's combat. But ultimately, X-Men is in the time-honored tradition of licensed games -- rushed, derivative, and well worth avoiding.

Like many games of this style, there is some vague, half-guilty pleasure in the mechanical repetitiveness of the game's combat. But ultimately, X-Men is in the time-honored tradition of licensed games -- rushed, derivative, and well worth avoiding.

Like many games of this style, there is some vague, half-guilty pleasure in the mechanical repetitiveness of the game's combat. But ultimately, X-Men is in the time-honored tradition of licensed games -- rushed, derivative, and well worth avoiding.

Like many games of this style, there is some vague, half-guilty pleasure in the mechanical repetitiveness of the game's combat. But ultimately, X-Men is in the time-honored tradition of licensed games -- rushed, derivative, and well worth avoiding.

Like many games of this style, there is some vague, half-guilty pleasure in the mechanical repetitiveness of the game's combat. But ultimately, X-Men is in the time-honored tradition of licensed games -- rushed, derivative, and well worth avoiding.