Cleaning in a video game is even less fun than cleaning in real life. Only a masochist would find this charming. And recharging little Chibi every five fucking minutes sucks harder than our Dirt Devil.

Your average cellphone game is more fun than any of these so-called "events."

Your average cellphone game is more fun than any of these so-called "events."

Your average cellphone game is more fun than any of these so-called "events."

Making cardboard cutouts of samurais and taping them to your TV screen is more fun than playing this game. Try it. You'll see.

Pretentious bullsh.t. Playing with tiny, microscopic things. Paying $35 for a game that's suckier than the free games that came with your cellphone.

Remember playing awesome quarter-eaters like Swimmer and Pinball Action? Neither do we. Which means all you old farts can go back to chasing kids off your front lawns instead of playing this game.

At best, playing the game is like having someone shout in your ear for 15 hours straight. At worst, it's like getting a high colonic with balsamic vinegar.

At best, playing the game is like having someone shout in your ear for 15 hours straight. At worst, it's like getting a high colonic with balsamic vinegar.

That's it. You can customize your 'bot a little, but frankly we haven't had this much fun since we ran over a bee hive with a riding lawnmower.

The fancy-pants replay is a nice enough function…except for the fact that all the other cars on the course mysteriously vanish into thin air during playback. Um, didn't anyone notice this?

We grew bored of the sheer repetitiveness of the game play, and not even Spyro's smart-ass remarks could keep us amused. Just talk to the hand, Spyro. Snap!

We grew bored of the sheer repetitiveness of the game play, and not even Spyro's smart-ass remarks could keep us amused. Just talk to the hand, Spyro. Snap!

We grew bored of the sheer repetitiveness of the game play, and not even Spyro's smart-ass remarks could keep us amused. Just talk to the hand, Spyro. Snap!

This half-assed movie tie-in is so crummy even the dimmest kid on the short bus won't be taken in.

This half-assed movie tie-in is so crummy even the dimmest kid on the short bus won't be taken in.

Somewhere there is an audience for the kind of soul-crushing ennui that Capsule Monster Coliseum drapes around you like a ravenous anaconda…made of ennui.

Don't bother dissecting the plot, as the incredibly short game ends abruptly, giving the impression that the creators quit halfway through. Sort of like us with therapy.

Humming the words or making any sound at all into the microphone will get you through these so-called challenges. And that's just plain wack.

Though the graphics are sharp, the world is tiny and the pain-in-the-ass controls make killing monsters a chore.

Even with superstrong "Hyper" mode and customizable weapons, it took everything we had to not fall asleep on our controller.

Even with superstrong "Hyper" mode and customizable weapons, it took everything we had to not fall asleep on our controller.

The only tantalizing thing about Takedown is our warning to stay the hell away.