You would think any movie with the word "salmon" in the title would have to be funny. Think again.

Though Hilton may be a model, if her work in Hottie is any indication, she is no actress.

The thing about stoner comedy is that, well, it helps to be stoned.

If you actually sit through this enervating ordeal, you'll swear that time is Frozen.

A forced-march comedy.

Affleck, for his part, behaves as if a Zero from "Pearl Harbor" dropped one too close to his noggin. He looks permanently shell-shocked.

No fewer than seven writers were recruited to create the story and screenplay for Major Payne, a textbook demonstation of how more can produce less - in this case, a comedy that has all the brio and wit of an army training manual on personal hygiene. [27 March 1995, p.D02]

A syrup-thick New Age ghost story of the same sappy stripe and mawkishness as another Costner foray, "Message in a Bottle."

Both the sex and the battle sequences here look like football plays drawn by an NFL coach and shot by the wide receiver's mother. Usually, even when I don't like a Stone film I admire its frenzied energy, but the editing here is as lethargic as the compositions are perfunctory.

A stunt that fails.

A lazy assemblage of sketch-comedy raunch, mock-schlock TV ads, and ideas that even the writers of "Mall Cop" and "Observe and Report" would have tossed.

Those who want something more substantial from a movie than a vid-game script with centerfold appeal will not find it in this noisy, bone-crushing survivalist flick inspired by the Game Cube diversion.

Filled with embarrassing gosh-golly moments about non-Western cultures, it's a staggering, and insulting, example of cultural myopia.

I laughed once.

I'm ripping up my Lars Von Trier fan club card.

Nothing gets taken here except your ticket money.

Nothing wrong with the syrupy romance Here on Earth that a megadose of insulin couldn't fix.

Mighty Joe Young is a movie only an 8-year-old could love. How cheesy is it? Well, it leaves the ooze of Velveeta in its wake. [25 Dec 1998, p.4]

The highlights of the movie are a great song, Sam Phillips' "I Need Love,'' which comes at the end, and Stiles' affecting crying scene.

A frighteningly unfunny comedy. [17 Feb 1995, p.05]

To give the film its due, the stupidity is served up with energy and good pace. But it takes a thin premise and stretches it like Silly Putty. The title should really be "Obvious and Obviouser."

Contrived story lines and an altogether phony resolution erase whatever energy and wit the film displayed, leaving the viewer with an empty, disappointed feeling.

The unintentional effect of movies like Bless the Child is that they are enough to make agnostics out of true believers.

The whole affair has a painfully self-conscious, self-referential air. Jokes land with a thud, and so, alas, does Rocky, who seems to have forgotten how to fly.

Unfortunately, it lacks a compelling story or characters of any complexity.

A lethargic, lurching holiday-themed comedy.

An inert comedy starring Kristen Bell as a workaholic unlucky in love, When in Rome is a rom-bomb.

An unlikable and excruciatingly unfunny comedy.

What a stupefying thing it is.

Dumber sequels to dumb horror movies, such as the Friday the 13th series, are, of course, nothing new. [17 Mar 1995, p.06]

8 1/2 Women is a collage-y, self-reflexive sort of film that is designed to shock but more often just annoys.

At a certain point, it actually becomes embarrassing to watch Heigl and Kutcher play at being in love.

Little kidniks with an appetite for zap-pow silliness might find this to their liking. Everyone else, beware.

I could make a joke here about the new Pokemon movie.

Doom is, to its detriment, a remarkably faithful re-creation of the massively popular video game. In other words, it's a dark, violent, nerve-wracking, trigger-giddy waste of time.

The animated film has all the hallmarks of a straight-to-DVD project - inferior plot, dull writing, cheap drawing.

Happily N'Ever After carjacks "Cinderella" and puts her wicked stepmother behind the wheel.

It pains me to tell you, But really, it's true: The Cat in the Hat Is a piece of dog doo.

The script is a stupid mix of Teutonic tongue twisters (say hello to Herr Schniedelwichsen), hoary German cliches (from phallic sausages to U-boat spoofs), and bad slapstick.

Tedious and incoherent thriller.

The left hand doesn't know who the right hand is shooting in State Property 2, Damon Dash's prodigiously muddled thug-life sequel.

I would have told you that its title refers to recreational vehicle. Having seen it, I now know the initials stand for reeking vulgarity.

Long, lumbering and endlessly unfunny.

A vast disappointment.

A stale and stupid thriller.

A dementedly artificial and artsy film, a headache-inducing jumble of fractured narrative, flashbacks within flashbacks, and shifting perspectives.

It's hard to understand what Malevolence is doing in theaters. If ever a movie deserved to go directly to DVD, it's this dreary horror treatment.

Written and directed on autopilot, containing every cliche endemic to these movies: clueless parents, bratty brother, nasty rich kids, pool fight, food fight, girls who can't drive.

Rarely has sex on screen been so aggressively anti-erotic.

Highlander: The Final Dimension is exactly what it seems - drivel. [30 Jan 1995, p.D01]

Wastes an A-list cast in a sorry send-up of B-movie private-eye cliches.

The jokes are unabashedly pitched at 12-year-old boys, with flatulence, masturbation and excretions as the leading themes.

Hostage may well be the first action flick cited both for child abuse and audience abuse. In a singularly sadistic and degrading way it has something to offend everyone.

Aja's stomach-churning remake (produced by Craven) follows the original with frightening fidelity, amping up the barbarity from a nine (on the 1-10 scale) to a 12.

In this frothy beach movie, they make pop-music lite together but create an utterly unconvincing romantic couple, seeming more like siblings or best friends. From Ruben to Clay might work better.

Sappy script. Cheesy supernaturalism. Tired satire.

Blended throws a lot of things on the screen, but in the end, it has to confront its awkward and artificial "romance." And that's just ugly.

The whole project is a cloying, artificial mess. The slapstick comedy doesn't bite, and the formulaic sentimentality doesn't grip.

No one is getting at anything in The Strangers, except the cheapest, ugliest kind of sadistic titillation.

Vilely violent, Saw 2 is the Phnom Penh of splatter movies.

Six guys and a gal who flatline on arrival. Easily the lamest action-adventure fantasy since “Wild Wild West.”

Somnambulistic pacing, kerplunkingly unfunny jokes, and mugging thespians making fools of themselves. Truly torturous spectacle.

Appalling sequel.

The movie heads in a disastrous direction: namely, a police academy ceremony... This lets-wrap-this-thing-up moment sucks the life and the honesty out of an otherwise compelling portrait of tainted lawmen, tainted law.

Reaches breathtaking lows of incoherence, sexism, racial stereotyping, and -- did I say incoherence?

If the '60s sitcom McHale's Navy was a poor man's Sergeant Bilko, the new big-screen McHale is a poverty-stricken, starving-to-death, brain-dead person's answer to last year's not-so-hot Steve Martin movie, Sgt. Bilko. [19 Apr 1997, p.D08]

Slackers is, well, consummately cheesy. Ugh.

I should put in for worker’s comp for the extensive injuries I sustained watching the insulting, abysmal 3-D action thriller xXx: Return of Xander Cage, which left me deeply traumatized and suffering from injuries to my eardrums, my eyes, my mind, my soul, my aesthetic sensibility, and my sense of decency.

A happy-smiley Christian fairy tale disguised as a hard-hitting shard of social realism.

Plodding and virtually plotless (employee gets caught in maw of machine, blood squirts, boss tells everyone to get back to work, employee gets caught in maw of machine...), The Mangler might have been amusing if it had been played for laughs. Instead, this dreary yarn is hardly played for anything. [6 Mar 1995, p.D02]

With its first-person-shooter perspective and gun-andrun narrative, this one’s for the PlayStation crowd. It’s not a movie. It’s an adrenaline pump and purveyor of raw carnage.

So bad you're nostalgic for "Gigli." So painful you need an epidural. So mindless you'll lose yours wondering, "What were they thinking?"

One possible explanation for My Favorite Martian, a picture so bad it's unwatchable, is that moviemakers are from Mars and moviegoers are from Venus. Not since Howard the Duck has a comedy tried so desperately hard for so pitifully few laughs. [12 Feb 1999, p.17]

Has to be among the worst movies ever made.