None, repeat, none of this is funny.

A swamp of clichés, contrivances, and cheap ham-and-cheese hero sentimentality.

This might be as perfect a new-millennium Halloween creepshow as we can expect.

The movie is as schmaltzy as I'd feared, and yet De Salvo does elicit some nice performances from her ensemble cast.

On the whole, this documentary is best-suited to hardcore fans.

A slick, simplistic, and laughable effort that's reminiscent of a bad Jerry Bruckheimer film. A really bad Bruckheimer film.

Flows like day-old cement.

Oh-so-tiresomely familiar.

Whenever the movie's not in the midst of a cinematic spoof it loses considerable steam.

Like its accordion-filled score, it's nothing but a golden moldie.

An incomprehensible mess.

Works best as romantic melodrama and is least convincing as a psychological suspenser.

Kids deserve better than this. They deserve more respect than P2K is willing to give for the price of a Saturday matinee.

A mockumentary about small-town beauty pageants that's so confidently unfunny it's DOA.

Aims low and cheats on an ending, but meanwhile it's a bottom-shelf hoot.

Duller-than-a-Vitalife-convention compilation of talking heads.

As romantic comedies go, this is definitely not one you'd take to the altar, but you might enjoy having a cup of coffee with it.

This is one of those movies in which there are only two types of people: officious yuppie pricks, and the beautiful folks who stop and smell the daisies. What keeps it (barely) from being completely intolerable is Keanu Reeves' hilariously awful lead performance.

It's a yabba-dabba-delight.

Plays out like a raunchy episode of "Felicity."

Quite handsomely produced, and there's a definite swashbuckling verve to it. Most of the characters have been contemporized, but the actors are engaging.

A clumsy, witless cartoon version of E.B. White's rather uncelebrated children's story.

This is one Rudolph opus that leaves no afterglow.

Dracula 2000 is a stake in the heart.

Without any momentum and lacking both depth and interesting characters, Shadow Hours makes sin seem pretty damn boring.

The backdrop of exotic pagodas and wartime woe isn't nearly potent enough to buoy the feeble drama that plays out in the foreground.

Offers little in the way of splendor in the grass.

The film has an unabashed romantic tone that's matched by Wenders' usual flair for visual drama.