Based on the 22 irredeemably painful minutes TV Land offered for review, this show is clunky, sodden, cliched, drab, bland and terribly (terribly) weary.

The worst new show of 2014 can take solace that there are still 358 days left for another one to exceed it.

White Famous is so corrosive that it ends up fighting itself. The self-loathing here is the type that’s common to so many Hollywood satires, filled with the requisite pythons and soul crushers who keep the sausage factory conveyor belt moving. But much of this goes beyond loathing to self-lacerating. ... Awful.

It's a $300 million TV series for no one. ... This is a very, very bad show.

ABC's little-girl gang of four represents nothing more than cliches.

The whole project feels salaciously sleazy, unless you're enjoying the proceedings, in which case it's juicily depraved.

Dreadful.

"Help Me" is a Gobi Desert of laughs... There's a strong odor of desperation on-screen, as if the competent and seasoned actors here know they're in this for a short ride. Indeed, they are.

Our mouths may be open, but more likely agape than laughing.

Uncle Buck is sometimes funny like a poke in the eye. It's crude and vulgar. The jokes are obvious, the situations cliched, the characters obnoxious. Would you believe a lecherous insurance agent named Doreen Douche? [10 Sept 1990, p.9]

NBC's superficial knockoff is just Lipstick on a pig.

A groaner from beginning to end.

Seen "Malcolm in the Middle"? It's good, right? Clever, original and fresh? Now imagine it's a tired retread, a shadow of itself. That's this shameless ripoff, which ratchets up the leer quotient and down the brains. [2 Oct 2000, p.B07]

The storms in this production have more personality than the characters who chase, study and prepare for them.

There's nothing unexpected here, and certainly no adventure, just who's sleeping with whom, and who's the daddy, and why they're still so juvenile, and how Tom Berenger ended up in this soapy soup.

If you expect the worst, your expectations will probably be met.

Little of it adds up to much of anything but foul-minded mischief.

In two unbearably long hours, the film says nothing that wasn't said first, or better, 21 years ago. And where the original had a palpable air of menace, a mood hot and sticky with fear, the TV sequel is as fast-moving as a stagnant pond. [4 Mar 1988, p.7]

It's as if we've all passed this way (many times) before and could write the dialogue, act the scenes, predict the outcome all in our sleep.

Problem is, the show is more comfortable with cliché than subtlety.

It has a strange, surreal quality. I usually like strange. But this is strange strange ... Actually come to think of it, "On the Air" may be the most stupid thing I've ever seen. [18 Jun 1992]

Watching one espiode was an experience less enjoyable than hangin' by the thumbs. [27 Aug 1992]

[A] treacly piece of tripe.

Viewers are expected to swallow - worse, to savor - simplistic recycling of melodrama plots seen a hundred times before.

At least "Men in Trees" doesn't tax your brain. Just your patience, taste and intelligence.

Forced, frantic and continually preposterous.

"Donny!" would be as bad as you could imagine except ... it exceeds even your imagination.

It is awful. It is truly awful. It is awful in ways that make the word "awful" seem inadequate.