This movie demands that the viewer -- and even its own characters -- turn into thumb-sucking 3-year-olds with no need for plausibility or logic, as long as there are lots of flashing lights and whooshing noises emanating from the screen.

But there's nothing in this amateurish movie that the opening credits of last year's "Go" didn't do better.

Craven packs routine teen-confrontation material into the plot as filler, and still has trouble getting to 90 minutes. His ending is contrived and nonsensical even by the standards of the form. [14 Oct 1986, p.B7]

You need lots of gifted people chasing after the same bad idea to make a movie as colossally misguided as Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close.

Tale is anything but spellbinding.

Witless and dull, Penelope Spheeris' feature-length hillbilly saga is the product of no less than four screenwriters. It's scary to think what it might have been like had it been written by only one or two of them -- I mean, what does a half-joke sound like? [15 Oct 1993, p.G5]

A movie about lunatics with chainsaws that is neither funny nor frightening. [25 Aug 1986, p.C5]

What is most beguiling about The Libertine is that it allows Wilmot to self-destruct without ever giving us cause to care or relate.

The talented actors are game, but they are done in by the shallow nature of their characters, none of whom behaves in a manner remotely resembling real life (they don't really seem to be related, either).

Even if you do believe the story, Fire in the Sky will bore you silly. [17 Mar 1993, p.E2]

A film that has too little to entertain grownups, and perhaps too much for children. It's a blunder. [21 Dec 1983, p.C8]

Those looking to Craven for a new spin on an overworked genre are entitled to feel disappointed. [03 Sep 1984, p.B4]

Full of It's message is directed straight at 9-year-olds -- lying is bad! -- and yet there's plenty of sexual content. Unfortunately there isn't much else.

The Slugger's Wife is awful, easily the most inept mainstream Hollywood entertainment in memory. [29 March 1985, p.D19]

Transcendence is "Her" for dummies.

Routine chop-sock of the non-Hong Kong school. [04 Sep 1985, p.D5]

Universal Soldier, for all its sound and fury, isn't much fun. [15 July 1992, p.E5]

In the end, Phantasm II is a bland mixture of the horror movies its predecessor spawned. [8 July 1988, p.C5]

Despite all the freaky business on display - and there are moments here when you cannot believe your eyes - The Paperboy suffocates you with boredom like a hot, wet blanket. You want to push it away and escape. It makes sleaze boring.

Beyond the anemic script, though, Caddyshack II fails because Dangerfield fits the character better. His bulging eyes and neurotic demeanor fuel his lethal jabs. Even though he's still the stand-up comic, his well-established routine makes it easier to believe him. [27 July 1988, p.D1]

The bar scenes do make for a great, although brief, package.

Silly, tedious, inept disaster.

One of the most anticlimactic finales I've ever seen in a movie

In the romantic comedy Mannequin, a dummy comes to life. The movie never does. [18 Feb 1987, p.D6]

One Crazy Summer's only truly funny bit of business occurs when two evil kindergartners are transformed for no reason at all into pigs. You laugh here, not because it's riotously funny, but because the scene is one of the most stupid things you'll ever see...Much like the film it's contained in.

With the original Candyman, the filmmakers took chances in their efforts to scare you. With the sequel, they are simply chasing the quick and easy buck. [17 Mar 1995, p.4G]

Film remakes of old TV shows are all the rage in Hollywood. And several, including the inventive Brady Bunch Movie, have managed to seamlessly close the generation gap. Not so Sgt. Bilko, which succumbs to friendly fire. [02 Apr 1996, p.3C]

The best moments in director David Koepp's slight, dull movie are the scenes in which bike messenger Wilee pauses at busy intersections to figure out the path of least obstruction.