The pairing of large-scale online battle game with the thrill-packed Lord of the Rings series should've been a winner, but as it's turned out, Conquest won't possibly satisfying any Battlefront fan or Lord of the Rings buff at all.

Sadly, the developers have completely missed the point of the TV show, knocking out a second-rate two-wheeled racer that will disappoint fans of the programme and appear pointless to anyone else. Even the ever-excitable Teutul boys sound bored of it all. We can't blame them really. [PSW]

With only two way multiplayer returning, this really was a missed opportunity to improve upon a disappointing franchise. As it stands, BW2 gets the smack put down on it by virtually every other fighter out there. [Official UK Xbox Magazine]

It's only when something large or coveted decides to take a bite that the game lurches from 'pleasant but dull' to 'almost quite exciting'. Well, for about thirty seconds anyway, until your would-be prize catch drops the lure and swims off. After that it becomes dull again. [PSW]

An empty shell of a shooter with a bottle of Costcutters own-brand vodka at its core, Kreed plays like a badly translated Russian tech demo from two years ago.

Everything from the AI to the interface to the laughably inappropriate resource system is basic. Admittedly, there are thousands of troops to command, but controlling them is a nightmare and the whole experience is best forgotten. [PC Zone]

Crime Life fails in both gaming and moral terms. What we wouldn't have given for a few shiny rings to collect. Y'getme?

By far the worst aspect of the game is the horrendous control system, which flicks confusingly between third- and first-person views, while the camera sweeps all over the shop and does its best to disorient you.

The puzzles are simple, the graphics are bland, the controls are limp. Only the most severe Neutron head would consider this over a number of superior platformers.

For every second of satisfaction, there is a minute of monotony; where cardboard enemies fall under a cloud of red paint, physics offer no value whatsoever, AI is largely non-existent and gameplay follows the worn-ragged formula of coloured keycards and enemies that appear from thin air. [PC Zone]

Limited and uninspiring, Spartan won't satisfy anyone with an inkling of the quality of other games on the market.

What we have is an inept third-person hack and slash number, combined totally unsuccessfully with a dull-as-ditchwater RTS. Harsh words, granted, but you'll thank us for them.

Text can't be skipped, which may be fine for a dramatic piece of dialogue, but is eminently frustrating when you're having to wait for your character to lengthily tell you that you can't do something for the umpteenthmillionth time.

The interface is nigh on impenetrable. The system of exploration is ludicrous (the whole map is blacked out at the start, so at first you don't even know where the mountains lie). The scenarios are uninspiring. The combat is pointless and passes practically unnoticed. [PC Zone]

2D side-scrolling shooters don't really have much place at home on Xbox. Those such as Blowout should be cast out of the Xbox residence like a shamed family junkie and take refuge in the last-gen console crack house where they well and truly belong. [Official UK Xbox Magazine]

After five minutes of this you'll be bored stiff. [PSW]

It left us shaking our heads in utter bewilderment. Fans of EA's other Street games will be rightly embarrassed by the sheer awfulness of this faux street culture. [PSW]

The dialogue is so bad, the voice-acting so hammy and the text interludes so laced with obtuse meaning that you'll be reaching for the quit button before you can say perestroika.

There's a smattering of good ideas in Samurai Legend, but they're quickly crushed under the obesity of mindless combat and poor design. One to avoid. [PSW]

The Cat In The Hat? A book filled with wit. As for the game, a big pile of sh...

One good aspect for people who tend to get stuck on these detective game (and I mean myself here) is 'artificial intuition', ie help. When you seem to have hit a wall, this swirling symbol will suggest areas to concentrate on in that location - and the more you use it, the less subtle the hints get! It's a good way of offering a helping hand without spoonfeeding players.

Okay, so there's two-minutes worth of multiplayer chuckles in "Badlands" and "Super Off-Road," and "Hydro Racer" is marginally better than the terrible "Stun Runner," but that's it. [PSW]

(Altogether now) Oompa Loompa Doompadee Dah, I'm stunned I bothered getting so far. You will live in misery too, if you play this Oompa Loompa Loompa Doompadee Doo. (Doompadee Doo.)

I've reviewed some games that have made my balls ache in my time, but this one takes the biscuit of dull pain. Fundamentally abominable! [PC Zone]

But this is gaming at its most depressing - it's clear to man and beast that the controls of this game simply do not work and are no fun whatsoever. Why don't you just fix it? Or, perhaps, you could just STOP MAKING ARMY MEN GAMES.

Lamely rolled out on the back of the film, it's one of those strategy games where you have an overwhelming urge to stop playing after three or four near-identical missions.

The ominous Willy Wonka himself, whether it was intended or not, looks and sounds disturbingly like Michael Jackson, and his army of Oompa Loompa slaves are no longer the orange-skinned and green-haired midgets we know and love. [PC Zone]

There's very little to recommend with this title, besides some pretty visuals and the concept of being a knight. No, this just won't do at all. I wouldn't play this and you shouldn't either. [PC Zone]