Escape The Museum

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  1. Qarren
    Feb 5, 2021
    2
    Hahaha. Oh sorry, didn’t see you there. I’m just laughing at Ben Stiller’s acting career in children’s entertainment. But honestly, I’d ratherHahaha. Oh sorry, didn’t see you there. I’m just laughing at Ben Stiller’s acting career in children’s entertainment. But honestly, I’d rather watch Mr Stiller act like a man-child all day than play Escape the Museum. The only real joke here is the joke of life, where you’ll be wishing for the punch-line of death from the literal second you open this game.
    In all my years, experiencing the many wonders of the gaming universe, never once have I been so astounded by a game. The absolute level of incompetence and lethargy that goes into making a game like this is unreasonably impressive.
    I’m just going to say it. This game is bad. This game is so bad it actually inspired Michael Jackson to write a song about it. It’s so bad it makes ‘The Room’ a masterpiece of film. It’s so bad… well, you get the point. And I haven’t even begun to explain why.
    The first thing you'll notice when you open the game is that, despite being a 2008 game, it only natively runs in 800x600. Off to a great start here. It will stretch to 16:9 widescreen, but there are some freak -shows of contortionism you’re just never meant to see. And if you, like me, have a 16:10 screen or other non-standard screen size then it won’t scale at all. You get to play spot the pixel on the tiny box in the centre of your screen.
    I really mean that. If your options are between tiny box that you have to embed your face in your monitor to see, or stretching and tearing even the process of birthing can’t compete with, then a Hidden Object Game, of all genres, is the absolute worst place you can start. I wasn’t lying about pixel hunting. This game makes Sierra cry. I glued my eyes to the tiny game screen and searched high and low for any sign of a flute in one level, but I just couldn’t do it. I caved and used a hint and it pointed me in the right direction. What’s that? Those 3 almost imperceptible black pixels in the absolute back of the room were supposed to indicate the shaft of an otherwise completely obscured flute. Excuse me, what the f%$k? Even at normal resolutions that might be considered a little cheap for a HOG.
    The art style doesn’t help either. Forget the atrocious Microsoft Paint cutscenes, where uncanny valley starts to look like uncanny Mariana’s trench, the regular art isn’t much better. Now, museums are boring, but this is a HOG where artistically rendered scenes are supposed to provide a gorgeous backdrop to the gameplay to immerse and motivate you to continue scanning them up and down like a grocery store pervert. This game is nothing but the cause of serious eye-bleeding given the strain required to see anything in this terrible optimization, and then to actually make out what you’re seeing in this lazy, uninspired artwork. I cannot recommend enough that if this game ever opens in your vicinity that you close your eyes until it leaves of its own accord, no matter how long it takes. Don’t risk it.
    The story doesn’t really motivate the HOG gameplay either. Once again let’s just try to forget the cut scene dialogue that proves ‘The Room’ to be a masterclass in dialogue writing, and instead focus on your objectives in this game. An earthquake trapped you and your daughter in a museum, and you are separated so you have to puzzle your way through each room in order to be reunited and escape. That’s all good and dandy so far. A good motivation and conflict, and that explains the escape room puzzles. What about the hidden object rooms, however? You know why you stop to find and collect things while your daughter remains in danger of being crushed like a grape in a vice? Because your boss wants you to protect the valuable artifacts. It’s not the dumbest logic. You have dedicated your life to this stuff, and I can ignore the video game logic that you just fit all these artifacts in your back pocket. But then why, I ask, are you not collecting the valuable historic treasures, and instead finding the usual HOG affair of random f%#king dominos and pin tacks? Even opposite world wouldn’t explain these priorities.
    I do like how the dialogue unwittingly suggests that Dad is the daughter’s favourite. Yeah, screw you Mum, and you’re willingness to put yourself in several life or death situations in order to save me; I wish Dad was here instead. It was beautiful to watch this interesting family dynamic.
    We now arrive at the other puzzles. The weight and puzzle picture minigames provide some nice breaks in the usual gameplay loop, although the weight puzzles are boring and the pictures are equally as hard to make out as the flute that is but isn’t there. The escape room puzzles are really simple, often resorting to pixel hunting as well, but they are a godsend compared to the hidden object rooms.
    In the end, I would highly recommend this game to the blind, deaf and dumb. They are the only ones who could find enjoyment in this hilarious travesty.
    I actually like Night at the Museum.    … Full Review »
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