Well, if this game didn't kill our Lorde then nothing will.
Oh wait, Dead HORDE.
Meh, my concept was more interesting.
Welcome to a world where everything adds nothing, and nothing does anything. You are plopped in this world of zombies... *ahem* MUTANTS; and told to get to a military base where it's supposedly safe. There. Story done, basic motivation achieved. Any interest or concernWell, if this game didn't kill our Lorde then nothing will.
Oh wait, Dead HORDE.
Meh, my concept was more interesting.
Welcome to a world where everything adds nothing, and nothing does anything. You are plopped in this world of zombies... *ahem* MUTANTS; and told to get to a military base where it's supposedly safe. There. Story done, basic motivation achieved. Any interest or concern for this character or world not even attempted. That's fine; not every game needs a lorebook to accompany it to be a good game. It just needs said basic gameplay motivation and context. But geez people, even if the story is bad have some self-esteem (I state hypocritically). It occurs in a loading screen, but rather than play out while the loading takes place to provide distraction it waits until the loading is done and then slowly and barely visibly fade in half a barely-English sentence at a time. Was the audience for Dead Horde 4 year olds who need to sound out every syllable? Or 94 year olds who need to do the same?
But unlike the worlds slowest text crawl for Dead Horde's final credits, we shall move on. What do you do in this game? You run and gun. No innovations here, just back to basics. Take the Left 4 Dead enemy archetypes of swarm fodder, fat belchers, cocaine-addled runners and Olympic high jumpers and you got this game's cast of zany characters. Then take the mechanics of... nothing and you got this game's mechanics. Then take the weapons from Serious Sam and strip them of anything resembling fun and you have this game's loadout.
This game boasts an immersive movement system including actions such as lightly jogging like the undead population of Beijing isn't on your ass, and dodge rolling which is both highly necessary and completely f&^king useless. Anything stronger than the most basic zombie will have no problem catching up to you after rolling a grand total of 3 feet, 1 of them before you even finish the animation. You run backwards slower than forwards as an attempt to balance out the still primary tactic of backpedalling in circles mowing down your adoring fans. Once again however, besides the most basic zombie type, not including the random regular zombies that are faster than the other regular zombies, these lil' fellas run as fast as you or faster. So ankle nibbling is a hot new trend that you literally cannot help but join in on sometimes. And that's ignoring the awful aiming for dodge rolling that will more often end you up stuck on some shin-high piles of trash that stop you dead horde in your tracks. That part is particularly annoying. The maps are designed like a kid scribbling with an invisible ink pen, and you forgot to bring your trusty black light. Every tiny prop next to a wall or large object acts as a corner to trap you in helplessly before you even realize what happened. And that's still forgetting the ACTUAL invisible walls everywhere. So far we actually take the run out of run-and-gun gameplay, and yet don't at all.
"Okay then, Qarren, you pre-object permanence dunce," you say, "why not just fight back then?" Haha, Billy, you stupid, insolent zombie snack.
No.
Weapons in this game, yeah those aren't top military weapons. Those things be nothing more than fancy water pistols. You can upgrade them so you think "great, you just have to invest and you'll eventually get a satisfying weapon of mass mutant destruction."
Haha Billy.
Just f%&king no.
Upgrade any weapon 100% and you'll find you just spent a third world country's entire wealth to turn your water pistol into a low-pressure hose. Enemies aren't going down any quicker, lad. Not to mention the particularly bullet spongy enemies like the fatsos who can take 3 fully upgraded missiles to the face and wonder why that annoying fly keeps landing on them. So there's also no gun in this run-and-gun game, and yet once a-f&%king-gain there still absolutely is.
I should mention there are vehicle sections. About 3 of them to be precise. They're cool for the whole 10 seconds they last each time, before disappearing from the game entirely after level 4. At this point I start to believe they didn't even have the time or budget to make budget cuts. Just had to rush out a product.
Then there's animations. I mean, there's 1 or 2. Zombie run cycles are so clearly choppy you wonder if they were coded to run at 1 frame a step. Then there's the attack animation. Oh wait, NO THERE ISN'T. They simply get in your general vicinity and your health just drains away like a funnel itself made out of water. Even the fatsos who do have a noticeable attack animation function this way. Think you dodged their caustic upchuck? Think again, Billy, you belch-covered buffoon. The attack happens WAY before the animation. It's just there to let you know that the fat sh$t attacked you 20 minutes ago.
You start to understand what I mean by everything adds nothing, and nothing does anything.
Well good for you Billy, you stingy tap-weasel. Don't play this game.… Expand
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