V.A. Musetto

Pretty but tedious Euro-pap at its most self-indulgent.

You will be so put off by the bland couple (what do you expect from people named Joe and Jane?) and their dumb arguing - not to mention the grating score - that you won't really care.

A convoluted, pointless thriller that wastes the considerable talent of Max von Sydow.

With so many worthwhile movies out there just waiting for a release, it's a shame that this tired drama is getting a run.

Offensive and unwatchable.

It boggles the mind to think that Elite Squad won the top prize at the prestigious Berlin Film Festival in February.

There's little reason to see the claustrophobic Chronicling a Crisis unless you have a fascination with the Kolleks. Watching the vanity project is like being forced to sit through a friend's boring home movies.

There's plenty of material here for a dark comedy, but director Martin Curland isn't up to the job. His film - like Luke - plods along, unsure of exactly what it's supposed to be.

Director Ferzan Ozpetek's film doesn't break any new ground; rather, it recycles every cliché about gays in what is essentially an extended soap opera.

Sappy and simplistic.

A clueless Mundhra tackles the subject with a heavy hand and a contrived script. The result is a daytime soap mixed with a second-rate women-behind-bars flick.

This poorly done, digitally animated work, directed by Hiroyuki Kitakubo, might be of interest to die-hard fans of anime. Others should pass it by.

Boring.

Schmaltzy and contrived.

Clichéd stories, clichéd characters. All that's missing is Ed Burns.

Is nothing sacred? In the schizophrenic war epic The War lords, Jet Li, the hunky action hero, cries -- no, make that sobs -- several times. What will his legion of young male fans think?

There are a few sweet moments as the story reaches its unsurprising conclusion. But, all in all, Flakes isn't going to bowl you over.

Viewers are left wondering just why they should care about them and the rest of the film's one-dimensional characters.

Having root-canal surgery would be less painful than sitting through the martial-arts disaster Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior.

The praise for this static, overlong, stagebound work is a mystery to me.

Unfortunately, it doesn't work. None of the talking heads is as interesting as Yu thinks they are; and it's difficult to build sympathy for any of them.

If all terrorists were like these idiots, the US would have nothing to worry about.

Adams and the school's students and teachers deserve an A-plus, although the film rates a much lower grade. It unfolds lifelessly, as Binzer parades a contingent of talking heads before the camera in what could pass for an infomercial.

A lightweight French comedy worth watching only for Cecile de France. The gamine actress - decked out in short reddish hair, black tights and a thigh-high mini - is charming as Jessica.

The movie's only redeeming qualities are its stars.

Arlyck spends more time following himself and his own lefty family than checking up on Sean.

Deadly dull.

There are a few scares, but not enough to make up for the murky script.

Let the French stick to love stories and leave stupid comedies to Tinseltown.

Harper and the film's director, Jeremy Kagan, try valiantly, but they are unable to bring Meir to life or hold viewers' attentions.

Now that even Woody Allen has stopped making "Woody Allen movies," you would think that wannabes would move on, too.

The cinematography and sets look great, but the script is a bummer. It's overlong, overwrought and overblown.

Maybe being able to look back in time is comforting for Block and company, but what makes him think complete strangers give a damn about his not-especially-interesting family? I certainly don't.

The comedy is without distinction and the conclusion is melodramatic. I must note that ads for the film are misleading because they give no hint of the dark side of The Bubble.

A movie more interested in shocking than in entertaining.

The story lacks focus. The senses blur as wives and ex-wives come and go, and Harry regularly falls off the wagon, only to reform the next day.

Greenwald does nothing with the interviews, basically just posting them, one after the other, with the hope that viewers will do his job for him. The result is one-sided and bone-dry.

Something high schoolers might yawn through in history class, but they have no choice. You do.

Almereyda's muddled Happy Here and Now should have stayed on the shelf - where it's been gathering dust for several years.

Fails to elicit any substantive information from his (Tommy Davis) subjects. And he fails to put their plight into perspective.

If you go to the movies to ogle topless young women, Simon is definitely for you. If, on the other hand, you want something more cerebral with your $10 ticket and overpriced snacks, stay clear of this Dutch melodrama.

Sexist, racist humor abounds, with Jews and gays especially taking a beating. I don't always object to non-PC humor -- but I like it to be funny, and here it isn't.

What they say is superficial. They never really explain why they risk their lives. In the end, Steep plays like a TV infomercial - and who wants to hand over $11 to watch one?

The film's violent finale comes out of nowhere and will leave bewildered viewers wondering if they might have dozed off for a reel or two.

Ohayon doesn't judge Thompson or his customers, but you don't need to be a Harvard-educated psychiatrist to realize that the bunch of them are dirty old men who treat women as commodities.

Features some good acting, but most of it doesn't ring true.

The preachy movie is hardly worth the hassle and money required to see it in a theater. Better to download it or wait for it to pop up on TV.

Colpaert makes nice use of blue and green hues, and he makes some valid points about the Iraqi war. But the script lacks coherence and ends with a 180-degree flip that lessens the impact of what has gone before.

Your baby is near death. Instead of dropping everything to save his life, you make sure the video camera keeps rolling.

Garcon Stupide features the best gay seduction scene ever filmed on a Ferris wheel. Unfortunately, you have to sit through the entire movie to get to it. Whether you want to will depend on your interest in explicit gay sex.

Mostly The Matador romanticizes a brutal tradition that has no place in the 21st century.

There are a few exciting battle sequences and the sets are lavish, but mostly the film meanders aimlessly for more than two hours. No wonder new sword-and-sandal movies are in short supply.

Japan's Takashi Miike has the formula down pat, but Eisener has no idea how to give violence a touch of class.

It's depressing to see how far Herzog has fallen.

Silly and pointless film.

Fails to grab the imagination as it unfolds in familiar TV-movie fashion.

The film plays like one long commercial. The music's cool, but you're better off buying the CD.

Katie Aselton has achieved the seemingly impossible. She's turned a movie about sex into a boring, talky snooze.

The Promise employs laughable computer effects and second-rate martial-arts fighting to tell the hard-to-figure story of a princess and her three lovers.

Gil Kofman has an interesting and funny story to tell in his documentary Unmade in China. Too bad he spends more time talking about himself than detailing his misadventures in Xiamen, China, population 3.67 million.

Completely lacking in imagination and purpose, this vanity project might suffice as a home movie, but it's hardly worth the expense and bother of seeing it in a theater.

Allah made me funny - not.

Proves, if anything, that sappy feel-good movies aren't restricted to Hollywood.

Every once in a while the old-fashioned costume drama comes alive, only to sink again into run-of-the-mill special effects and long periods of talkative tedium.

There is, of course, a maximum of blood and gore. Sometimes the director's ideas work; often they don't.

What's Vincent to do? Will he come out of the closet? Will he lead the swim team to victory at the big match? Will he find happiness with Noemie? Does anybody care?

Wavers uncomfortably between satire and dime-store existentialism on the big screen. It's sort of as if Charlie Kaufman rewrote "The Fountain."

Sillen drags out generic talking heads who say generic things about Bernstein, a generic boho. The film might suffice if you're looking for something to watch on cable TV some early morning. But it isn't worth the hassle and expense of going to a theater.

A bland look at professional surfing.

The characters are too cliched to be funny, and Jensen's script can't stay focused long enough to make an impression. Where is Lars von Trier when we need him?

Lilien is an amateur filmmaker, and his movie -- which at times is more about Lilien than Pale Male -- shows it.

An uninspired gay coming-of-age import from Germany.

One big cliche.

Skip it, and rent "The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert" instead.

It's a worthy idea, but the uninspired scripts, acting and direction never rise above the level of an after-school TV special.

An Amsterdam mess.

There are some funny moments, plus occasional nudity and sex, but the joke quickly wears off. What might have worked as a half-hour TV show doesn't suit itself to a feature-length film.

The game cast tries desperately to be funny, but Day hasn't provided them with the material.

Becomes more and more confused, unpleasant and preposterous.

So beautifully filmed (as if through a gauze curtain), it is especially sad that the script doesn't measure up.

There's potential here, but the script is entirely too, shall we say, Hollywood. There's even a dog-poop joke.

Wait for the video, then fast-forward through every scene except the ones featuring Maria Mironova as a cheating wife.

Love in Space is just what movie fans have been waiting for: a romantic comedy from Communist China.

Might have worked as a travelogue, minus the story. In its present form, it is hardly worth the $10 you will be asked to fork over at the box office.

Say a prayer that there's no "Hatchet III" in the future.

Beautiful but boring.

The story is superficial at best. And the movie is too long.

Politics aside, Trudell plays like an infomercial for its subject rather than a serious examination of the man and his beliefs.

A documentary hardly anybody has been waiting for.

Andy Lau and Siu Fai Mak, the men behind the successful Hong Kong police thriller trio "Infernal Affairs," should be arrested for directing Initial D.

It's hard to make a dull movie with copious nudity and all kinds of sex (straight, bi and gay), although French filmmakers Olivier Ducastel and Jacques Martineau manage to do so in Cote d'Azur.

Will go down in history as the movie that showed a turtle getting an enema. It also features a hot performance by Marguerite Moreau.

Utterly predictable and full of trite dialogue.

Has a promising start. But it quickly becomes tiresome and cliché-ridden - not to mention depressing and pointless.

The Italian film industry must be in sad shape when its latest import to the US is a tired bit of trash from 1997, To Die for Tano.

A plot? Tony Jaa don't need no stinking plot.

My only question: Why does Kleine -- who's married to Andre Gregory of "My Dinner With Andre" fame -- think that anybody outside her family gives a damn?

If the sight of naked, sweaty French hunks gets you going, well, then, Three Dancing Slaves is a must-see.