Simon Abrams

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L.A. Weekly, RogerEbert.com, Slant Magazine, The A.V. Club, The Playlist, TheWrap, Village Voice
For 854 reviews, this critic has graded:
  • 40% higher than the average critic
  • 6% same as the average critic
  • 54% lower than the average critic
On average, this critic grades 10.7 points lower than other critics. (0-100 point scale)

Simon Abrams' Scores

  • Movies
  • TV
Average review score: 55
Highest review score: 100 Viet and Nam
Lowest review score: 0 Zookeeper
Score distribution:
  1. Positive: 390 out of 854
  2. Mixed: 239 out of 854
  3. Negative: 225 out of 854
854 movie reviews
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    • 47 Metascore
    • 63 Simon Abrams
    Mortal Kombat II
    Sure, Mortal Kombat II has enough fight scenes and gore to deliver exactly what fans of the games expect from these movies. Then again, the makers of this new franchise-booster don’t seem to know how to fill the rest of their movie’s 116-minute runtime. They tie up loose ends from the last movie whenever they’re not nudging their new protagonists through the motions of another patchwork action-fantasy that’s too hip to be sincere and too hacky to be moving.
    • 38 Metascore
    • 63 Simon Abrams
    One Spoon of Chocolate
    Thankfully, some climactic fight scenes, featuring strong action choreography and a clear overall presentation, give “One Spoon of Chocolate” the great emotional release it needs after so much dramatic buildup.
    • 53 Metascore
    • 67 Simon Abrams
    Deep Water
    In this case, Eckhart exudes the sort of unselfconscious paternal energy that’s needed to keep things moving in between the familiar, but well-executed disaster movie story beats. He almost single-handedly makes Deep Water a better-than-average genre exercise, though the bloody shark attacks and corny banter don’t hurt either.
    • tbd Metascore
    • 50 Simon Abrams
    A Blind Bargain
    At minimum, “A Blind Bargain” will keep you scratching your head throughout, if not to ask yourself what it’s all about, then to wonder if maybe the filmmakers will eventually arrive somewhere unexpected. You can probably guess the answers to both questions, but maybe seeing for yourself will change your mind.
    • 47 Metascore
    • 42 Simon Abrams
    Lee Cronin's The Mummy
    If Lee Cronin’s The Mummy is like any of the director’s previous work, it’s most like Evil Dead Rises, since it’s also programmatically upsetting yet narratively threadbare to the point of distraction. And while this movie’s relentless, reflex-testing shock scares suggest that the filmmaker has a sense of humor, the audience is never really encouraged to laugh along with them.
    • 48 Metascore
    • 42 Simon Abrams
    Thrash
    While Thrash resembles a general-audience survival horror drama, its forgettable protagonists also frequently stop to reassure viewers—mostly through profanity-laced dialogue and occasional bursts of gore—that it’s okay to scoff at whatever they’re looking at.
    • tbd Metascore
    • 75 Simon Abrams
    Beast
    This is a sports melodrama played like a Billy Joel concert, with enough well-honed showmanship and passion to make even its cheesiest qualities seem like an unpretentious celebration of Patton’s everyman.
    • 67 Metascore
    • 88 Simon Abrams
    ChaO
    The most enchanting thing about “ChaO” isn’t necessarily its hyperpoptimism, but the many little ways in which its breezy and arresting style reflects its creators’ lightly held Utopianism.
    • 51 Metascore
    • 58 Simon Abrams
    Pretty Lethal
    Pretty Lethal doesn’t even fully take flight once it finally escapes the realm of good taste, though it does feature a handful of standout moments and images. You might scratch your head a few times, but you also may enjoy yourself if you only want the filmmakers to embrace their unhinged high-concept premise
    • tbd Metascore
    • 12 Simon Abrams
    Vampires of the Velvet Lounge
    Joyless and dim, the grubby supernatural thriller “Vampires of the Velvet Lounge” often seems more like a filmed rehearsal for a movie than a fully completed feature.
    • tbd Metascore
    • 63 Simon Abrams
    Bodycam
    For a while, the found-footage horror thriller “Bodycam” appears to have something to say and, therefore, a better-than-average sense of how to handle its subgenre’s tropes and tics. Then, in the last 10-15 minutes, the illusion is spoiled.
    • 61 Metascore
    • 63 Simon Abrams
    The Bluff
    The Bluff exemplifies a very enjoyable type of nostalgia-bait, even if it’s never as good as its elevator pitch.
    • 43 Metascore
    • 42 Simon Abrams
    I Can Only Imagine 2
    More inarticulate than outright bad, I Can Only Imagine 2 re-packages a heap of barely legible dramatic and comedic shorthand as an uplifting testament to “the goodness of God.” It’s mostly inoffensive, but also doesn’t really have anything to say.
    • 36 Metascore
    • 50 Simon Abrams
    This Is Not a Test
    What’s mostly lacking is a matter of character-enhancing detail, the kind that would better integrate the movie’s high-concept thrills with its heartstring-tugging melodrama. Soapy’s not bad, but “This is Not a Test” lacks the sensationalism or sensitivity to make it more than a wan misfire.
    • tbd Metascore
    • 50 Simon Abrams
    Scare Out
    The worst thing about “Scare Out” isn’t that it’s boring and ultimately trite, but that there’s so little of Zhang’s usual sensuousness in it.
    • tbd Metascore
    • 88 Simon Abrams
    Blades of the Guardians
    Blades of the Guardians is a boisterous, but unhurried action-adventure that never feels sloppy despite its digressive bent. Even the perfunctory confrontations seem consequential thanks to Yuen’s knack for character-driven action.
    • 54 Metascore
    • 75 Simon Abrams
    Iron Lung
    As a performer, Fischbach’s frantic performance can sometimes be distractingly monotonous, but as a filmmaker, he has an impressive eye not only for compositional details, but also for how his images cut and flow together.
    • 55 Metascore
    • 38 Simon Abrams
    Whistle
    This might have been a better movie if its creators embraced their fitful bloodthirst. Instead, they seem to hope that you like these stock characters enough that you’ll gasp when their friends and enemies inevitably bite the dust. A machine to kill vague people, “Whistle” never delivers on its frightful promise.
    • 50 Metascore
    • 25 Simon Abrams
    Shelter
    Nothing in “Shelter” develops beyond the suggestion of an idea. A sleepy vehicle for action star Jason Statham, “Shelter” piles on cliches and expects viewers to supply enough goodwill to compensate for its shortcomings.
    • tbd Metascore
    • 50 Simon Abrams
    Back to the Past
    Unfortunately, “Back to the Past” doesn’t really stand on its own, and its creators don’t know how to offer viewers anything new.
    • 76 Metascore
    • 83 Simon Abrams
    The Love That Remains
    The resulting drama might have been exasperating for its surface passivity if Pálmason’s faith in his actors and other regular collaborators, as well as his knack for composition (he’s also the movie’s cinematographer), didn’t pay off so regularly and so viscerally.
    • 34 Metascore
    • 63 Simon Abrams
    Return to Silent Hill
    Gans’ sequel delivers more of the same, so it likely won’t impress anyone who doesn’t already enjoy getting lost in the fog.
    • 64 Metascore
    • 75 Simon Abrams
    All You Need Is Kill
    Thankfully, Studio 4°C’s sumptuous animation and sound design still make “All You Need is Kill” a vivid and worthwhile do-over.
    • 35 Metascore
    • 50 Simon Abrams
    My Neighbor Adolf
    Unfortunately, more bland than broad humor otherwise stands in for Polsky and Herzog’s personalities.
    • 53 Metascore
    • 38 Simon Abrams
    Silent Night, Deadly Night
    This new holiday chiller mostly idles when it should charge at its most unsound ideas.
    • 26 Metascore
    • 75 Simon Abrams
    Five Nights at Freddy's 2
    Five Nights at Freddy’s 2 not only has a more involved story, but also features more engaged filmmaking throughout, with more camera setups and visual brio.
    • tbd Metascore
    • 50 Simon Abrams
    Troll 2
    Unlike its predecessor, “Troll 2” doesn’t have enough canned dramatic or comedic incidents to make it seem particularly eventful.
    • 79 Metascore
    • 63 Simon Abrams
    Baahubali: The Epic
    Baahubali: The Epic may not deliver a better edit or experience, but it does highlight what was already great, especially once it settles into a groove following a ten-minute intermission break. By that point, most of the cuts have already been made, leaving the leisurely pageantry of Rajamouli’s regal milestone to speak for itself and at its own preferred volume, too.
    • 68 Metascore
    • 75 Simon Abrams
    Queens of the Dead
    A few heavy-handed stabs at commentary aside, “Queens of the Dead” gets by with good, flirty cheer.
    • 56 Metascore
    • 50 Simon Abrams
    Mr. K
    While casting Glover as a reluctant everyman takes admirable chutzpah, there’s not much to “Mr. K” beyond its second-hand surrealism and strained counter-mythmaking.
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