Peter Stack

Mythology has rarely been so preachy in a tedious Hollywood style.

Sloshes between comedy and drama, never quite hitting stride as either.

I would not take very young children to see The Goonies - too intense. I would also discourage any adults who are borderline in their liking of children from seeing this film. The Goonies could easily turn a lot of otherwise tolerant grownups against children, and I'm assuming that would be a terrible thing. [7 Jun 1985, p.75]

It's a swashbuckling extravaganza, but Davis is not convincing. And before anyone objects, it's not because she's a woman. Get out already! This is the '90s, and women can do anything. But they can't escape from a lousy movie any better than a man can.

Subliminally speaking, you may not like this movie because it goes so far. Or, you may not like it because it stops short. Or you may like it for one of the above reasons. [21 Feb 1986, p.68]

Mixed Nuts, opening today at Bay Area movie theaters, is laced generously with chuckles, though it neglects one little detail that helps make movies satisfying: a plot. [21 Dec 1994, p.E1]

Leaves an unintentional unpleasant aftertaste.

The Dead Pool isn't much of a movie. It certainly isn't as fun, nor as compelling as its predecessors, and now and then the forced plot gets so ridiculous that it is certain to try the patience of even the most die-hard viewers. [13 Jul 1988, p.E1]

A forced, tedious but stupidly amusing police action comedy starring Sylvester Stallone and Kurt Russell as undercover cops who dislike one another but are forced to do some male bonding to save their hides. High-minded people who eschew violence, harsh language and meatball humor just might want to skip this one. [22 Dec 1989, p.22]

Jumbled and stupid plot, bad acting and a few predictable gags that fall flat.

The Island of Dr. Moreau ought to have been a great film in these times of gene splicing and DNA research and all the moral, ethical and practical questions those developments raise. But director John Frankenheimer and screenwriters Richard Stanley and Ron Hutchinson's attempt to update Wells yields only a maddening mess of empty gestures.

The dragging pace is one of several agonizing defects in this bloated sci-fi action drama.

Goes downhill fast.

This thick, leaden production starring Bob Hoskins and Patricia Arquette - and an uncredited Robin Williams - has a sophomoric air, even though it faithfully follows the book.

It's a shame Arnold is stuck on the loudmouth clod schtick, because there are moments he's downright pleasant on screen. But in Carpool, these moments are kept to a minimum.

Carax, with Pola X, has become a parody of himself with a self-indulgent, overreaching style that many viewers will find a struggle to watch -- provided they can contain their contempt for pretentiousness.

A "nonstop thriller" that is also a nonstop dud. Underline the word "long" in the title.

Chase is so dull in this film, he looks as if he's sleepwalking.

It's both amazing and depressing how much talent goes to waste in the lame adaptation of Kurt Vonnegut Jr.'s 1973 absurdist novel.

The Cable Guy doesn't know when to pull the plug. Much of the film plays like a personal boob tube with Carrey trapped inside, determined to act his way out in a mugging freak show. He's a disturbing mixture of psychopath and pathetically misguided lonely soul.

The new comedy is screechingly inane and skitters in nine directions at once.

(Driver) is stuck in a mess of a movie that suffers from awkward writing, a plot with major disconnects in plausibility, an annoyingly screechy kid character and cheesy production values.

An overstuffed, underfed numbskull movie.

It's implausible, cartoonishly overdrawn.

Has an unrelenting staccato quality. Some would say a jackhammer quality.

So inept it's almost entertaining.

Things are generally cute in the film -- and that goes for the stars -- and it all chugs along in some curious bubblegum-chewing sort of way. But the flavor's decidedly flat. [18 May 1991, p.C3]

Rotten, pretentious movie full of minimalist dialogue and self-consciously arty cinematography.

Good for a few laughs but soon turns tiresome, veering incongruously between slapstick antics and mushy sentimentality.

Always is such a lamentable production _ hardly a moment rings true _ that you almost feel like saying ''pardon me'' when you wonder why it apparently didn't occur to Spielberg or anyone else involved that no chemistry was taking place. Not only are the stars rather uninteresting people, they don't seem to like each other in any way that you can feel. [22 Dec. 1989, p.E1]

A mess of a movie, veering constantly toward the laughable when it isn't being offensive. Its only claim to fame is that it's the last movie featuring the late Tupac Shakur.

"Steel" plays like a Saturday morning cartoon -- overdone stunts and hokey chase sequences with the hero on a motorcycle, dodging heavily armed gangsters as well as cops who think he's a bad guy.

Billed as a comedy, it's draped over dreary gags and irritating manic overacting on the part of its co-star, British comic actor Rik Mayall. [24 May 1991, p.E7]

The big trouble with Raising Arizona is that the Coens overdrew their wild and crazy yarn, and overdo almost every gag and gimmick. [20 Mar 1987]

Every instance when Turbo: A Power Rangers Movie feels like the worst movie ever made, some goofy little screechy moment involving the villainess, Divatox, saves it. So it winds up being nearly the worst movie ever made.

A feeble excuse for a movie.

For golden retriever lovers, "Fluke" is a must-see. For everyone else, wait for the video.

Bordello of Blood easily could have been called "Bore- dello of Blood." This gory vampire spoof is remarkably free of jolts, hardly registering as a fright film, with a series of weak special effects involving many globs of guts...The big themes in this lackluster second feature under the "Tales From the Crypt" banner are sex and religion. Both are presented with painfully sophomoric irreverence.

The least they could have done with the sequel Candyman : Farewell to the Flesh is make it scary. How they managed to give us a killer with a bloody hook going around eviscerating people and have him come off as mild as a butterfly is boggling.

The rat problem happens only on the graveyard shift, accounting for the title of Stephen King's all-time worst movie -- and he's got a lot of them. [27 Oct 1990, p.C3]

It's forgettable matinee fodder.

A desperate, pathetic mess.

As pleasantly earnest as Jim Belushi tries to be, and as pert as Linda Hamilton is as his plucky wife, their new movie Mr. Destiny is so contrived, pokey and predictable that it becomes a test of viewer patience. [12 Oct 1990, p.E5]

Only a couple of good gags in its pileup of otherwise lame jokes keep the production from being an unqualified stinker.

Yonkers Joe is incoherent, succeeding neither as an exciting gambling ride nor a touching family story.

A convoluted mess, but there have been worse.

The jump gimmick sounds as if it might make a cute romantic movie. But If Lucy Fell has so little meat that it plays like a television sitcom that somehow grew into a feature-length movie. It's airy, fluffy and ultimately uninteresting.

Highlander: The Final Dimension is no more compelling than the average pile of bricks.

Overall, A Goofy Movie is an incoherent mess that jumps from one unlikely, brainless, crash-bang situation to another, with each element of a protracted father-son bonding story increasingly out of synch with the others.

Chevy Chase continues his string of starring roles in bad movies. [16 Feb 1991, p.C3]

For all its hip, rat-a-tat dialogue and a sharp photographic look that give Wall Street a feeling that something exciting is happening, the movie's a bankrupt deal. [11 Dec 1987, p.E1]

Shore possesses only two talents -- his ability to assume yoga-like positions and fondle his own behind, and his mystifying knack for getting starring roles in bad movies.

A stupid comedy with toddlers talking like hip '90s grown-ups.