Lawrence Van Gelder

There is an explanation for everything, but it is a long time coming and not worth the wait.

Vampires aren't the only things in Bordello of Blood that can't stand up to daylight. Neither can the plot.

Juvenile comedy targets a gallery of imperfect women.

Five-year-olds who have read their Shakespeare will recognize that Turbo is a lot of sound and fury signifying nothing.

Goldie Hawn and Steve Martin are appealing performers, but none of the energy, professionalism and gameness they display -- can surmount the mess that surrounds them in this misguided comedy.

A sadistic, bloody, foul-mouthed action movie.

Gang Related is a preposterously overplotted tale of two police detectives with moral compasses so defective that they have buried their brains and consciences along with 10 of their murder victims long before the film even begins.

Torturously boring.

The law of averages demands that every once in a while a movie must come along starring young nonprofessional actors who aren't very good. That's unfortunately the case in 15.

Begins to seem not so much an examination but an exploitation.

It is the absence of genuine comedy that exposes glaringly the film's fundamental attitude of condescension and scorn toward blacks and women, and a tendency toward stereotyping that clashes violently with its superficial message of tolerance, compassion and fair play.

The team that gave the world "Dumb and Dumber" returns with something feeble and feebler.

That "The Keeper" was made by a novice is evident in the visible seams between the present-day narrative and the flashbacks; the whole thing plays like a loopy amalgam of stilted costume picture and after-school special.

J.D.'s Revenge crosses the line from a stupid movie to a potentially harmful one.

Ridiculous without being awful enough to be hilarious.

This clunky juvenile comedy lurches among multiple story lines without fully realizing the comic potential of any.

Eventually becomes preaching that is likely to tax the credibility of the unconverted.

A modest but engaging mixture of comedy and drama that derives most of its energy from the performance of Callie Thorne.

Despite the presence of such performers as E. G. Marshall and Sean McClory and the comedy team of Penn (the hustler) and Teller (the Arab), My Chauffeur remains a victim of low literacy, muddled characterizations, frequently rudimentary acting and unrealized yearnings toward humor.

With its heavy symbolism and awkward, lurching pace, A Hole in One leaves viewers with little more than the vague conviction - which I think I already had going in - that falling in love is better than an ice pick to the brain.

In the end the elaborate gimmickry of Inspector Gadget cannot conceal its very ordinary storytelling.

Film Geek has a likable premise, an unusual setting in downtown Portland, Ore., and a pleasantly homemade indie feel. Unfortunately, Scotty Pelk, as written by James Westby and played by Mr. Malkasian, is actually so irritating, so genuinely hard to take, that like the rest of the characters in this semiautobiographical movie, we soon find ourselves itching to get away from him.

Nearly every one of the film's emotional scenes is too predictable to hit its mark, but Mr. Jones's dry delivery has its moments.

Screwballs establishes that - in the absence of talent - teen-age prurience, old Thunderbirds, rock music and hula hoops do not add up to entertainment.

For all its experimental intentions, Loudmouth Soup feels familiar: a claustrophobic Hollywood satire that's short on kinesis and long on conversation.

All its 89 minutes of fast cuts, swooping overhead shots, sun, surf, song, sunburn and sex cannot obscure the extent of its shallowness.

A quintessential Renny Harlin film: a big, dumb, loud action movie.

In films, as in the ring, heart and will without exceptional talent don't produce winners.